Resolutions

I have never been much of a New Years resolution kind of a girl. I have been quite against them.  I generally think it's like setting yourself up for failure.  So many people make these grand statements and it so rarely sticks. Although (hangs head) I will admit that I have had the odd year where on like December 28th I will make some resolutions. You know because then it's not technically a New Years thing. It was a goal set on just a random day, obviously making it more likely to be achieved. 

This has not worked…ever…

But this year I feel a bit of an urge to make some goals for myself. I feel really excited and energized heading into a new year. I have so many new things on the go, I have two amazing girlies, a great husband and just all around feeling pretty good about where we are at.  Sure I would love to one day sleep again (that's another blog for another day) but all in all we are doing pretty fantastic. 

One of the biggest things I really want to do is put in more time to the things I love. Photography and writing being at the top of the list (after time with my kids, obviously).  Mostly I realized while really struggling through PPD that I never felt like I hit my stride on my own. I fell easily into being a mom and love the job. But through my teens and young 20's I feel like I wasted a lot of time. I never threw myself into anything. And since becoming a Mom I haven't had a whole lot of time to do it.  I realized this Christmas was my 4th in a row either being pregnant or nursing.  

So, come the end of January I will be done nursing Elise and I am quite excited at some of the time that will open up. It will allow for me to do a lot more in the evenings (with Ben's help).  This break is also a test to see if I get to the point of feeling really ready for baby #3. Ben was ready like three days after Elise was born (ok maybe not quite that fast).  

Anyways I am rambling. I wish you all a very Happy New Year. And encourage you to make some resolutions…just not on the 31st those ones are doomed to fail. Make them on, like, the 2nd!

Merry Christmas!

I sadly don't have a Christmas prep story this year. We went about all of our Christmas preparations without any big meltdowns. It's strange. We even set up our tree without a fight, for the first time…ever…. It almost feels like we forgot a step to Christmas. Like we left out a tradition. 

E and her Daddy

Yesterday we had our Wilson Christmas and it was great. The kids played hard and good. It's so weird to have all the kids starting to shift into this stage where we walk in the door and they leave your side to play and you don't really see them again until dinner. Aubs did really well and loved every minute of being with her cousins. On our drive home Elise fell asleep after a little complaining, Aubrey talked, and talked, and talked. She had to relive every moment until finally 5 minutes from home she talked herself to sleep. That is a sign of a good day!

Since having kids Christmas has changed so much for me. I have come to really really love the season. I used to enjoy it, sure. But it's so different with kids. Everything is magical. 

Santa sent Aubrey a video message to my email. We watched the video 10 times…in a row…before I finally had to convince her to do something else.  She tells everyone about the video. She is so in love with the idea of Christmas. I have made the mistake of leaving her and her Daddy to their own and keep coming home to more and more 'sparkles' on my house. In truth it's getting out of hand. They just bought another 3 sets.  But every time we round the corner to come home and she sees the yard lit up, it's like she is seeing it for the first time. It seriously melts me every time.  She is also fond of calling everything her 'Christmas'. For example she catches falling snow in her hands and says "I'm gonna eat my Christmas!" It's awesome. 

tasting a little Christmas!

Elise is at a neat age. She loves seeing the decorations and lights. She has discovered ways to get under the tree and has ripped a few bows off presents.  I can't wait for next year when she is even older and her and Aubrey can share in the magic even more. 

Well I am off to get ready for more Christmas activity. 

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

A time for prayers

Not unlike everyone else I have been so heartbroken for the all the people involved in the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary school. I can't even fathom what kind of emotion the people who lost family members must being going through. And in blunt honesty I try not to let myself imagine, I fear just being completely swallowed by a tragedy so enormous.  Reading different articles, seeing Facebook posts, and a quick 10 minute run of the news has got me thinking of so many things.

One big thing being - How do we put a stop to such mass violence? What an overwhelming question. I honestly don't know how any person could possibly answer that. Or where you could begin to truly make an impact. Where is the starting point?

This came across my screen tonight a statement from Morgan Freeman-

“You want to know why {these shootings keep happening}. This may sound cynical, but here’s why.It’s because of the way the media reports it. Flip on the news and watch how we treat the Batman theater shooter and the Oregon mall shooter like celebrities. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris are household names, but do you know the name of a single victim of Columbine? Disturbed people who would otherwise just off themselves in their basements see the news and want to top it by doing something worse, and going out in a memorable way. Why a grade school? Why children? Because he’ll be remembered as a horrible monster, instead of a sad nobody.
CNN’s article says that if the body count “holds up”, this will rank as the second deadliest shooting behind Virginia Tech, as if statistics somehow make one shooting worse than another. Then they post a video interview of third-graders for all the details of what they saw and heard while the shootings were happening. Fox News has plastered the killer’s face on all their reports for hours. Any articles or news stories yet that focus on the victims and ignore the killer’s identity? None that I've seen yet. Because they don’t sell. So congratulations, sensationalist media, you've just lit the fire for someone to top this and knock off a day care center or a maternity ward next.
You can help by forgetting you ever read this man's name, and remembering the name of at least one victim. You can help by donating to mental health research instead of pointing to gun control as the problem. You can help by turning off the news."

He really got me thinking. And he is so right in that it is a rare day when past shootings are talked about that you hear much of the victims. The shooters are made into a form of celebrity.

One of the other things that I really thought about today was the enormous impact this would have on the shooters family as well. In honesty I don't think I had ever thought too much about a shooters family before and how heartbreaking this would be for them to have to live through the pain of his acts.  I was blown away to see one of the victims fathers say in reference to the shooters family "I can't imagine how hard this experience must be for you"

What an amazing thing to say. I was so impacted by the grace of that father.

I find it hard to write the right words to get across what I think or feel, so instead I am stealing someone else's thoughts. These were my Mom's words in response to yesterday.

It is through children’s eyes that we often see ourselves in ways we had not intended. Our responses to conflict and tragedy may be the only tools they have to learn how to live in relationship. Making sense of the tragedy in Connecticut is not possible. My heart aches for the families who lost their precious little ones and I pray that the rest of us honor their lives by living as we were intended to - with love.

A Tale of The...Handy Woman...

You know how people have like big hate on's for places like WalMart, you know big box stores?  Well I for the most part tend to be indifferent.  I Like shopping local when I can, but will readily admit I have shopped at said big box stores.  There is one though…one that shall remain my most hated place EVER….duh duh duhhhhh(insert dramatic music).   Cliff hanger moment right? It seems the most common one ever mentioned is WalMart. For me it will forever and always be…

IKEA!

I hate that place. And this last weekend reconfirmed my hatred for it. 

I would love to now dive into all the deep conversation that usually comes along with conversation about box stores. I'm gonna skip that one cause it has nothing to do with my hatred. 

My first point of contention with 'the place that shall not be named' is the buildings. DO you  know that when you stand still on the top floor you can feel its movement. There is a steady up and down motion. People used to laugh at me until I pointed it out and they actually stood there and felt it! It irritates me to no end. 

Next I shall paint you a little picture of my 'productive' day yesterday.  The girls and i got moving, made beds, folded some laundry, I put E down for a nap and decided to tackle our new IKEA purchase.  See we needed some storage for toys and such out in our living area. It was beginning to fall victim the the girls and there adventures.  

Monday 

10:00am - I finished my laundry and looked around the room seeing all of the boxes for this new storage unit. I feel slightly irritated it's taking up the whole living room. So I think "Hey I don't need Ben I'LL put it together" (mistake #1) 

10:20 - Elise is down for a nap. Perfect timing I drag the largest box which contains the frame onto the floor.  I rip it open with purpose. After all I am a woman who can get things done.  Feeling pretty smug. Especially since Ben is happily working away in the basement and has no idea what is going on. I chuckle to myself feeling so sneaky and brilliant. 

10:30 - Instructions are anyones best friend. Yes they are. Except I am a little puzzled as to why IKEA has chosen to cheap out and not print words. They just use big block arrows.  Whatevs I am good at figuring this stuff out who needs words. 

10:40 - Just about have the whole frame done. But I run into my first snag.  I need another adult (sorry Aubs) to help lift it while I slide in the backing. SO I begrudgingly call Ben up. He looks surprised but helps me out. Then he tries to stay with me and finish it. I go into a long speech how I can obviously handle it AND I just want to help him out so he can focus on his work. He shrugs and heads downstairs. 

11:00 - So I thought by this point I would be near done. Not so much. Next I am onto putting together drawers. The actual drawer itself is pretty easy peasy. The tracking….different story.  This is where the swearing commences.

11:20 - I am begging with the tool gods to please stop stripping the screws so my job is easier. 

11:40 - Stupid effin screws

12:00 - Ben is upstairs I am laying on the floor (with Aubrey petting my head telling me it will be ok).  I explain to Ben that I am considering throwing the stupid thing in the driveway and running it over. This seems like a logical way to handle things.  Ben begs me to let him help. Obviously I refuse. Because now it's personal. It's like IKEA is trying to one up me.

12:30 - Ben gently explains that maybe I have the wrong sized screw driver and if I use a different one the screws won't strip.  I glare at him and tell HIm I obviously know how to pick the right tools. 

12:40 - I sneak downstairs to get a different better fitting screw driver.

1:00 - One drawer is successfully in. 

1:10 - I whip together the second drawer. Feeling feisty again. I am seasoned now. I KNOW how to do this. 

1:25 - Big smile on my face, nodding my head in approval as I slide my second drawer into place….*thud*…what the…*thud*. I look down to see why it won't close. F*ck!  I followed the instructions for the first one not the second. I placed the entire thing too low so it would smash into the first drawer…Seriously WHY NO WORDS ON THE INSTRUCTIONS…IDIOTS!!!

1:30 - laying on the floor contemplating all IKEA's being banned from the world. And how I could make it happen. 

1:35 - I sadly call Ben up to take a look. Bless him he doesn't laugh. How he doesn't is beyond me. 

1:45 - I am thanking the sleep Gods. Elise is ready for nap #2. Ben tells me to head to put her to sleep and he will start helping fix.

2:10 - I creep out of the bedroom (even though Elise has already been asleep for 15 minutes) to find a finished storage unit. 

I love my husband. I hate IKEA. 

Community Theatre

This weekend was our last round of Bashaw performances of Beauty and the Beast. It went really well. We had amazing audiences and the whole cast really put their best forward.   I sort of randomly fell into community theatre, but have loved it since I did. 

As the years have gone on and I have done more and more productions there has been a side of me that slowly has emerged. I have really taken a liking to having a 'character'.  In the first few plays I was mortified at the thought of having any form of a spoken line, or worse yet singing one!  As time has gone on it's really changed for me. I found that I was starting to feel like maybe I could do what others did. Maybe I could actually have a…gasp…role!  And in the last few plays I have, I mustered up some courage did my auditions and got some small parts that have been a lot of fun. 

I was reflecting tonight on how this happened. The thought pranced through my mind as I watched Bryan (a good family friend) up on stage singing his part. Bryan is probably one of the last people you would ever expect to be in community theatre. I remember doing ensemble parts with him where he would stand behind me and lip sync (or so he claims, I think I heard a squeak or two) and now the guy is up there with solo songs. I watched him and thought this guy is a town councillor, business owner, regular (don't worry Bryan I still think you are special not just regular but I need to get my point across) kind of a guy. But seriously the guy shines up there. He continues to blow people away. 

I used to think that it was simply only my Aunty Lori's direction that really brought out the best in everyone. Here is my disclaimer, she really does do this. She has a natural gift for helping people to have confidence and truly believing they can nail their role. BUT…it's not just her. 

In watching Bryan up there I realized it's someone like him who made me realize I could do it.  And not just him but so many others.  I have watched so many people get on stage and just come alive. I have seen people from my community who have not always had an easy time and just shine. And as I watch them you see all of the good just come flooding from them. I remember realizing that I could have it to. That these people were so brave and willing to step up that I was overwhelmed by the notion that I could be like them. 

This was hard for me. I generally do not like being in the spotlight. I'm usually a behind the scenes kind of a gal. 

Anyway. My point in all this is that I am so thankful for the family that our community theatre has created. It's not one person who makes it special, it's not one person who brings out the good, it truly is a community effort. On show days when energy is high and everyone has truly just come together it is an amazing feeling.  And one that I will forever be thankful for. 

Like Mother, Like Daughter

Remember those moments in your youth where one (or both) of your parents look at you and say " I can't wait…"?  I remember them. I remember when I stubbornly fought my Mom or snapped or or or and she would get a look about her that only now as a mother I can understand.  It's one that says "Just wait little girl your turn is gonna come and it is going to bite you in the ass….hard…"!

Well wait no more Mom. My time has come. It has come so fast and hard I almost didn't see it. Ok lets be honest I never wanted to admit it. 

Today I finally had to openly admit to Ben that Elise in fact was…i almost can't say it….just. like.me.

She is an easy going baby, until she's not.  I did not think stubbornness came in a package quite that small. She can be so even tempered, she has a smile that lights up her entire face (heck even her whole body) and she can lay her head into you in a way that makes just about anyone melt. But then it happens. She knows what she wants and she wants it 5 seconds BEFORE she knew she wanted it.  

See that seems easy enough to deal with right?  You can teach patience, and you can give her what she needs in the moment. But there is often a hitch that comes along with it.  Take for instance bath time a few nights ago. I was tubbing the girls so had my sleeves rolled up holding Elise in while Aubrey played around us.  Elise was happily playing with a toy I gave her. But then she spotted a different one she wanted. I noticed her reaching for it trying to grab it. SO, naturally I picked it up and handed it to her. She threw her body stiff as a board while yelling. I finally figured out she in fact wanted to get it herself…obviously at 6 months old she does not NEED help. She is apparently fully capable of doing it herself. 

I know what you are thinking..."Not that sweet face.."

This is really just one small example of The Elise Show. Here's another…

We are in the middle of a musical production. Last weekend was opening weekend. So we have a babysitter hired to be downstairs with her while we are in action.  She took to the babysitter pretty decently as long as she didn't look at her. OK I know lots of babies can be like this. BUT it gets better. She didn't want ANYONE to look at her. If anyone was so bold as to think making eye contact with her was a kind thing to do they quickly were informed otherwise. The funny thing is she is not always like this. You never know, one day she will be all "hey everyone look at me, talk to me…" then the next, well…

Ben told me "hon it's a good thing to know what you want. I am glad she is strong willed."  All I can do now is look at her and wait until the day she understands what karma is…

Until that time I will enjoy her for who she is a fiery, strong willed, smiley, snuggly, beautiful baby girl. 

*Note- I wrote this last night. And since then Elise has gotten a terrible, terrible cold so now I feel slightly guilty for complaining.

Beauty

Very recently I read a blog where the woman described why she chose to start telling her daughters that she was beautiful. Not just them, but she herself was also beautiful.  It really got me thinking. Sometimes thinking can be dangerous and I have yet to decide if this sent me down a dangerous path. 

Her general point in the end was that if she walked around talking about how ugly she was, or how terrible her saggy boobs were, I think you get the point, she realized that it would have an impact on her girls. That children really start out not seeing ugly or pretty. They learn ugly and pretty. And if they think once they hit 'Mom status' and they have saggy boobs would she want them to think they are ugly?

Anyways that was the general point of her post.  Now where this lead me….hang on this could get long! You've been warned!

Since I gave birth to Aubrey I have tried really hard not to say negative things about my body in front of her. I didn't want to have such a negative impact on her. Instead I want her to grow up knowing that even when her body starts to give way to gravity and some spots are softer then they once were, that she is still beautiful. But how can a preach that to her and have her truly truly believe it if I don't myself?  It's not like I waltz around looking at other women who have less then perfect bodies, or bone structure thinking "eeekk the ugly stick really got to work that day!"  I see so many women (a lot who are so close to me) with all different shapes and sizes and truly think they are extremely beautiful. 

Now here is where someone wants to step in and inform me that "beauty is not just about whats on the outside…etc.etc.etc."  Yes I know this, and agree. BUT it doesn't mean I don't vainly look at my body and want this or that to be different. 

Anywho. Then Elise came along. Now I have two little girls and this urge to have this different energy around them as they grow into young girls is really strong.  So that means I have some work to do. And I don't mean just lose the weight I want and sculpt the body I think I want. The mental space, in my opinion, is so much more important. 

So I spent today walking around wondering to myself at what point in my life did I decide my body was ugly? At what point did I decide that there was something wrong with it?  I had a really hard time trying to pinpoint any specific time. I have small memories of things said in school. But I can't even necessarily pin those comments to a face.  But there is one specific thing I remember being so distraught by.  

My sister Sarah and I were always really close growing up.  She bossed me around, we fought, we had fun all the good things sisters do. For many years when we were young a lot of people would ask if we were twins. And me, being the little sister, I really looked up to her. I wanted to be just like her. Anyway I remember that for a long time we wore the exact same size. This always made me happy, I looked at her and saw a skinny little thing that everyone thought was beautiful.  I think when I hit about grade7 (maybe 8) our sizes suddenly shifted. She stayed the same, and I am talking like a 5/6 and I went up to a…..wait for it…7/8!  GASP right!! 

Ok I know that that is laughable, but I only know that NOW!  At that point in time I was totally devastated. I remember being in a change room and realizing it and just melting. 

Looking back, even only as far as when I graduated…I would kill to have that body back.  But isn't that the way of it? When you have this mindset that your body is terrible, it's only when time and the beating you give it make it even worse that you realize what you once had. 

In the months since I have had Elise I have had some changes in the way I view my body. For instance I really quite love the fact I have hips and a more 'woman' shape. I wouldn't want to trade for Sarah's straight up and down boyish shape…sorry Sar…

So there are starting to be small victories in my mentality towards my body. Ya it's slow moving, ya I still have really hard days. But I have also had days where I finish getting ready and can look in the mirror and think "Hey you're not that bad looking!"

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Unexpected Gifts

Elise and I had a little adventure this week. I offered to help out and drive my sister to some doctor appointments and ended up being stuck in Edmonton. The roads were some kinda terrible. So, we did what any normal person would. We rented a hotel room, bought some essentials (this may or may not have included far too much chocolate), and ordered in pizza!  It actually ended up being a nice night and some time with my sister I normally would never get. 

Another benefit was I got a lot of one on one time with Elise.  What made the time even more focused is that I was not expecting it so I had no distractions. No kindle, no computer and a whole lot of time in an area of the hospital that had no service so my phone was out of the question.  This meant extreme focused time.

I was really blown away and grateful for the time. I discovered things about her that I maybe wasn’t fully present to. Yeah I probably noticed them, but didn’t appreciate them.

One thing that came to light was how much attention she gets. I was sitting in a hallway and (I am not exaggerating) literally every person that walked by had to stop and talk to her. One rare time I was even on the phone (I had to lean my head just so to talk) and the person still stopped and chatted to her. The best part she was totally putting on a show for people! This spot is usually completely taken over by Aubrey.  Which made me wonder, is Elise quiet when Aubrey is around or are we more aware of what Aubrey is doing because we can understand her?

I had a small flash of guilt thinking that I may just not pay attention to her and see that she is a little charmer.  I decided to set the guilt aside and continue enjoying my time with her.  Which then allowed me to see that she is really aware. Or seems to be.

What I mean by ‘aware’ is she really takes note of what is going on around her.  She watches people’s every move. And will even giggle at different things that happen around her that I don’t think all babies would even pay attention to. She gets a look in her eye that just makes me think she is really taking in everything around her. It’s this all business kind of a look.

This unexpected gifted time made me realize I always want to set time like that aside with each child.  A time where housework, phone calls, Internet, kindles etc. are all set aside, so that I can truly just enjoy and be there with each girl. 

Chronicles of a Belle Dress

Day 1 - I am in my element this little girl is eating me up. Best part we are actually IN Disneyland!!  There were multiple other Belle dresses, obvious posers. We clearly looked the most authentic and I am sure the old lady dressed as Belle that kids were taking pictures with was actually just paid to do it. Not very realistic (like us) if you ask me.

Day 6 -  Back in Canada…I didn't sign up for this nonsense!  My wearer is Belle…not Snow White, that chick digs the snow me not so much.

Day 8 - Dance class. Of course my wearer would take me to her dance class, where better to show off the way I can swish and sparkle then at a dance class?!  I truly shone. They way the light hit me just so really helped show that I truly am the only real Belle dress.

Day 9 - Pffttt…Halloween is for fakes and wannabes. Me and my wearer are clearly the real thing and did not take kindly to all the other "Belle's" flaunting about trying to steal our spotlight. Alas in the end I still concluded we were the only REAL Belle.

Day 10- Of course she should wear me again. Why my wearer's Mother would even think something else is more suitable is beyond me.

Day 11 - Ahhh this is the life I just continue to sparkle and shine more with each day.

Day 13- Hmmm…ok clearly these people have never heard of a weekend, or holiday, or break.

Day 15 - SOS….if you see this please help.

Day 17- No sign of a rescue. I am starting to see signs of wear. I hold my breath each time she scales the stairs I just know she is going to tear me, its only a matter of time!

Day 18 - All hope is gone. This wearer shows no signs of letting up...

Halloween

Tonight as I got my girls ready to head out for Halloween I did a lot of reflecting. And I really got  blown away at how prominent anxiety was in me even when I was quite young. I never was truly excited about Halloween. 

I remember even when I was at a  very young elementary age, being so anxious about halloween that i couldn't just enjoy the day.  I would stress about a costume and what I should be. I would never feel like I could pick something that would be good, or cool or just different. I hate the stress that came around having to pick something. I look back now and wish I had been the kind of kid who could have just enjoyed it and the opportunity to really have fun with being someone or something else for a day.  

As I got older I would stress about what others were doing that night (or weekend). What were my friends doing?  Who should I go with? Would anyone let me go with them?  Do i even want to go?  Seriously I can think like that. How depressing and so unfortunate that I was not able to just be there. Just be in the moment and the joy and fun that can come from an event. 

Even now it's not great. While were in Disney they have a few nights a week in October that are a special Halloween Trick or Treating event. You buy a special ticket, the park closes early to others, and its a Halloween extravaganza. It was very cool. As we were planning the trip I felt relief that I would not dress up. I figured I had two kids i would dress and that was the lucky thing about being a parent you simply don't have to dress up. 

Wrong. 

Everyone in our group planned to. Had I not I would be the only one practically in the entire park NOT dressed up.  So before we left Ben and I went to one of those giant Halloween stores and picked out costumes. I was really impressed with myself I picked one quickly and felt really great about the choice. 

Fast forward to our dress up day…I was near a meltdown. I tried to get out of dressing up and hated my costume and was anxious about it. 

Sometimes there is just simply no escape from it all. 

On a good note Aubs loved Halloween and tried to ditch her parents to go treating with her cousins, Elise hated it and stayed with me at Grandma and Grandpa's instead :)

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Life Lessons

I write this post as I am currently listening to my baby cry. Why am I writing instead of dealing with her? Because we are trying the Ferber Method. It's terrible….Ok I can't claim it's terrible because this is essentially our first shot at it but I really really struggle with listening to her get wound up when i know I could snuggle her and she would settle in. BUT here is the thing, last night Ben and I took turns getting up every hour with her…EVERY HOUR! Terrible long night! 

My Sweet Little E Bug

My mind skips all over the place on using different 'methods' to get a child to sleep through the night. Part of me knows that a happy healthy child requires really good sleep. Heck a happy healthy Mom requires really good sleep. SO I see the benefit of using methods to get them to learn to sleep on their own. But then this other deeper part of my brain asks "why do we think we constantly need to teach our children (or anyone) that they need to do life on their own?".  Aren't we meant to live in relationship? Aren't we meant to learn from each other and help each other?  I could really go down a long winding path with that one, but not tonight. 

*Note the crying has ceased…small victory…for now…

On the topic of learning from each other, it blows my mind what I learn daily from my girls.  Both of them have been huge teachers for me. Huge!  Recently we have been looking at different options for a new home, and trying to decide what we might want to do and when. After sadly returning to winter from our super sunny vacation I was feeling pouty and whiney about our house. Which is ridiculous because we really do have a great home. Anywho, so I was going on and on about it to Ben when Aubrey finally  rolled over to me (we were all laying on our bed visiting) and says "Momma this is a happy house…"

Forehead slap. 

Takes wise words from a 2 year old to make a 28 year old get a grip.  Honestly she blows me away.  And I swear since then I have had a major turnaround in regards to our home. I view it totally different and keep in mind that it is indeed a 'Happy Home'.  

Happy

Aubrey also likes to do prayers. We generally do a bedtime prayer with her and randomly will say a prayer before a meal (we are not very diligent people).  Last night she grabbed hold of Ben's hand to begin a prayer. It went a little something like this… "Dear God, Thank you for mommy, daddy, Aubrey, food…(looks around the room) ahhh water, Princesses, (looks around again) Pink, and amen."  Seriously why not thank God for Pink?!  But this prayer was not enough she grabbed Bens hand one more time and continued " Dear God, thank you for family, food, coffee, stickers and stones….amen"  

So, now I walk around thankful for my happy home, princesses, pink and coffee. The stickers annoy me I end up with one on the bottom of my foot daily I refuse to be thankful for them. 

I don't wanna go home!

This last week we enjoyed the heat of California as we enjoyed Seaworld, Legoland and Disney.  The girls had a rough start while we were in San Diego, not sleeping well and it was a bit too hot for them. When we hit Disney they seemed to find their stride and Princesses. That's right Aubrey got to fulfill her very long life dream of meeting Belle. The kid knows how to put on a good show, at one point in the middle of a crowded gift shop she hopped out of her stroller, held her skirt out to the sides and twirled while singing Beauty and the Beast…I don't lie she did this!

I had full intentions of writing while I was gone but was far too tired at the end of a day. Then when we got home I thought I would dive into all sorts of stories of the trip, quite frankly I feel too lazy for such writing. Instead I want to talk about my depression (Ok not a for real depression but a different sort).

I seem to have two sides to my personality, especially when it comes to travel. I love the excitement of traveling, I even for the most part love airports (I know most people hate them, right!?). I love getting to a new place and finding little shops, cafes, beaches anything really i just like being somewhere new. But then there is this other part of me that is a real homebody. This part that thinks its so easy to just be home and I love the comforts of my own house. 

This multiple personality can cause a real problem.  For instance everyone in our group was so happy to be coming home, come travel day the adults were itching to get on the plane. I dragged my sorry butt onto the plane whining at Ben a good chunk of the way about how I should be able to stay longer. Now that I am home I love having easy access to laundry, my own bed and pillow, My girls in their own room. 

Whenever I get home from a trip to a place I have never been I have a couple week stretch that is really difficult. It is a stretch of time where all I can think about is where should I go next, or daydreaming of the place I just came from.  Then I start realizing how ridiculous I sound since a good chunk of people don't ever really get to travel that I should obviously just be grateful that I get to go anywhere. I mean this year alone Ben and I have gone traveling 3 times. Don't get me wrong I am very thankful for that….but why can't I just go somewhere like…I dunno once a month?!

*And if you too feel like you hate coming home from vacation or if you are simply feeling generous please click on that smiley woman in the top corner to cast a vote my way :)

DISNEYLAND!!!

Tomorrow we head off on an 8 day family vacation. This will not be any ordinary vacation there are 22 of us going. I promise you it will make great blog material if nothing!

My sister Sarah's kids still don't know about this trip. She is planning on telling them tomorrow morning as they wake up thinking they are heading out to school.  I have been begging her for months to let me be there when she tells them and she has refused me!  Dammit!  Anywho so I am anxiously awaiting a texted video or phone call in the morning!

This trip has created quite interesting group text messages amongst my sisters, mom and I.  One thing that came across my iPhone today was a text from Sarah informing me she would be bringing the 'no fight' contracts for us all to sign.  They say none of the couples are allowed to fight.  I aint gonna lie Ben and I have had some hilarious fights on our travels. Most of them happen in the airport themselves. I laughed with my cousin Justine about it this weekend. dI told her it's like our Christmas tree.  Every year we have this magical idea of what it will be like to put up our tree…and every year we fight. And what do we say come November every year "Hun lets just not fight this year when we put up the tree. Let's make it really special"   I feel like if I just gear up for a fight this time maybe it won't happen!

All that to say I will attempt a few blogs while away as I am sure there will be some very interesting things to discuss.  

Peace out!

And to all you lovely people out there if you are feeling up to it give that smiley faced woman to your right a click and it will help my blog out, Thanks!

Growing Up

In my last post I explained a bit about where my head went after watching the amazing show Cavalia, and the fiery redhead lady ( I am sure she has a great name but I simply don't know it).  But I had one more round of thoughts that never fit into that post, so here I am again….

When we got home that night from the show I was attempting to get my girls to bed and it wasn't going as planned. Aubrey had been battling a virus and was just out of sorts while Elise simply wanted to chat.  So I sat in my rocking chair holding Elise as she chattered on one knee and cradled Aubrey in my other arm.  She was so beyond tired she quickly crashed. But I was stuck unable to move until Ben could assist me. So instead I listened to Aubrey's deep breaths mixed in with Elise's excellent story and just watched them. 

When I took that time to truly just look at Aubrey I realized she has grown up, like a lot. And I feel like I can get so busy I don't notice it in her. This made me a bit weepy. Sigh, I hate being weepy. Anyway back to my point. 

As I watched the Cavalia and this fiery red head lady I couldn't help but think of Aubs. Like I said before it was clear this woman was meant to be in front of crowds, she ate it up and loved it.  I would think most people who know my Aubs would say she is a bit of a crowd lover…just a tiny teeny bit…ok she is like her Dad and takes every chance she can get to put on a show for people.  I love watching her. 

Now I will risk sounding like one of 'those moms', you know the ones who are all convinced their child is going to be the next NHL star. But I seriously can't imagine Aubrey doing anything that is NOT big. I don't even know what 'big' means it is more a feeling. And watching this lady made me think of Aubrey. 

Then I got thinking if I will be able to support her in the ways she needs. Will I be able to encourage her to leave? To open every door possible and glide through them with her arms wide open waiting to embrace everything and anything?!….hmmm…. I would love to jump up and down saying "yep that's me. cheering my girl on" But then the part of me that is so connected to her is sitting in the corner allowing the chest wracking sobs to take her over. How could I encourage her to go be with the rest of the world? I want her to myself. I don't want her to leave our little community and family because I just love her too much and can't imagine the hole she would leave Ben and I by taking on the world. But then that other side of me is winding up to kick the other part in the shin, tell her to grow up.

I truly feel like one of the hardest things to come is going to be watching our girls go out into the world. Watching them make a life of their own, decisions of their own. I know this is obviously quite a few years away and not really something I need to worry about all that much, but how do you Moms who have done it…well…do it?

Fulfillment

This weekend Ben bought us tickets to the show Cavalia. The show was truly amazing. It was clear to see the bond between human and horse. The horses were simply stunning to watch in action. Whenever I go to things like this my mind races. I try to make it stop so I can just be in the moment, but it is a stubborn mind and doesn't always care to listen. 

There was one woman who was a part of the show that really got me thinking. She was a fiery red headed lady, and I am sure anyone reading this who also went to the show will know who I am talking about.  I loved watching her. It was clear to see that she truly loved being in front of a crowd. Everytime she went by the audience her face lit up and pulled you in.  The more I watched her I thought how fulfilling it is to love what you do that much. I mean obviously I never talked to the lady but I am willing to bet she LOVES what she does. 

Then I really started thinking about fulfillment. Does anyone ever truly feel fulfilled? Or is there always something more, or different we want before we think we will truly be fulfilled?

Let me explain. 

As I watched her and thought "this lady clearly is where she is meant to be and loves it" my next thought was "I wonder if I asked her if that is what she would truly answer?".   What I mean is I look at my life and I love it. I love that I have two beautiful girls, I love that I have the most amazing husband, I love being close to my family. I can keep going with that list but I think you get the point. SO then I wondered does that make me fulfilled? 

I say Yes and No. Why?  Well Because I am fulfilled in my family life. I wouldn't trade it with anyone, not even someone who had the exact situation but was maybe saner than me, I like the crazy(kinda). BUT….There is always a but…I have this other section of my brain that has been laying in waiting. This part of me that is kicking at the gates begging for a turn to run. 

As I was trying to explain all of this to Ben on our way home I then wondered if this meant I was a terrible person for not just feeling fulfilled with what I have now. Then I started to go a little deeper into the thought. And the realization I came to was that if I felt completely fulfilled and settled in this moment where do I have to go from here? Why would I have reason to push myself, to learn, to try, to fail, to try again, and grow. 

I swear one day I will watch a show and just sit pleasantly watching the entertainment.

To be done...or not to be done...

You know the old saying 'Time Heals Everything' do you truly believe that?  It makes me think of so many things. First it makes me think about how everyone tells you after having a baby you will forget the pain. I swore up and down I would never forget, to a certain extent I feel like I remember (from both).  But then I wonder do I actually recall the pain or just remember the emotion from the moments?

Then it also gets me thinking about a whole other bag a crazy. I actually thought to myself  "self don't write this blog, people don't want to hear your nut job crazy talk about your life" . Then I thought everyone's already seen ya at your craziest might as well continue. 

So here it goes…

When do you decide to have more babies?  I know most people say to wait and you just know. But right now I feel like the more time goes by, you know the long 5 months it's been, I get more confused.  Basically for the first 4 months of Elise's life I continued to inform Ben he best get used to life with only two children cause this was it. I ain't ever doing that again!

But then this last month my heads gone and gotten all mixed up. There is this part of me that keeps poking and prodding saying "you ain't done yet…" Which does two things to me 1) Makes me want to stick it to the man and deny the possibility even more. Then I realize in this situation I am the man so I best sort myself out. 2) Terrifies me to no end!

Why does it terrify me? 

It scares me because when I finally started to deal with PPD and PPA I swore to myself that I never ever wanted to feel like that again. And I still don't. I don't want to feel myself slip into that hole that is so dark and lonely.  But I also don't want to deny my girlies another sibling and Ben and I another beautiful baby. We love being parents. But when you are a Mom who is on call 24/7 it can be the most draining job in the entire world.  When that baby wants you and only you there are no breaks. Ben is an amazing help, but Elise no matter what will default to wanting her Momma. And part of me loves that. Then the other part is tapping her watch wondering where the hell her coffee break is??

The choice to exclusively breastfeed also brings forth challenges. I am coming into a space where I feel ready for 'me time'. But then that brings a whole new bag of guilt and anxiety. How could any good mother think she needs time away from her kids to do things for herself?  And people encourage me all the time to formula feed or pump. But I can not bring myself to do it. I am so stubborn and so strong willed that I feel like that would be me quitting on my baby girl. Especially since I nursed Aubrey for 9 months straight. I feel like the guilt would forever haunt me if I quit now especially since I have already made it through 5 months. Now don't get me wrong I don't nurse totally out of a place of guilt, i love the bonding with my sweet baby girl and knowing that it is one of the healthiest options for her.  But when you run along the edge of depression and needing more frequent breaks suddenly, well nursing every 2-3 hours can put a damper on it! 

Now I am rambling. See what babies and the ideas of more babies does to a once sane mind?! They make your crazy, can't even form proper thought patterns. Ahhh well I can be sane in a few years…maybe…hopefully...


My Blog has recently been added to Topmommyblogs.com please click the icon below or on the side to give me a vote it would be greatly appreciated :) *Note your vote may or may not encourage me to continue my crazy talk, just sayin'. 

Missing: My Former Efficient Self

I have always been a really efficient person. I have a pretty great ability to think through a scenario and plan ahead and execute with pretty great success.  I mean I even moved across the country and was able to do it with two bags. One of which contained a duvet. I was even able to keep them at 50lbs so I never had to pay extra for overweight bags. 

Now kids can change this in a person.  

For the most part I just transferred this skill to my kids. I can wrangle them pretty efficiently. I have even gotten all of us dressed, fed, diaper bag packed, and out the door in 20 minutes. Honestly I have done it.  And you know what when I walk out you would think I was walking a red carpet…

Anyways, some days my efficiency is lame. Yesterday was one of those days. Ben and I took the girls into the city to do some shopping and to see my Grandma. As we left the city Ben could tell I was feeling a bit down. He asked me what was up.  I literally felt like the day was spent, feeding a child, nursing, or changing a diaper OR just unbuckling and rebuckling a child into a carseat. 

I love my kids. But man yesterday I wished I was at that point where my girls could have had a special 'Daddy Daughter Day'.   We were in the mall for 2 hours and we pretty much bought one item. ONE thing. I told Ben if I had been there by myself I could have gotten our entire christmas shopping done in 2 hours!! 

Le' sigh. 

But then I have one of those 'moments' with my girls that remind me that it is all worth it. 

Like two days before after a hectic day that required a very unexpected trip to Edmonton, I was laying in bed with Aubrey when she suddenly popped up to have a conversation. 

Aubrey: Momma that was a really good benture today (note she means Adventure)

Me: It was Aubs

Aubrey: specially the stones (she found glass stones in the healing garden at the hospital)

Me: Yeah they were great hon. And if you go to sleep now maybe we can have another one tomorrow.

Aubs: Yeah Momma?

Me: mhmm

She then slowly drifted to sleep murmuring about bentures. How can you not be totally in love with a benture loving 2 year old?

Who Knows Best?

Do you ever wonder what is going through a toddler's mind?  Or even a baby? I often look at both of my girls and try to think what could possibly be going through their minds. Aubrey has unexpectedly come out with some real gems this week.  She has also brought us to a new interesting point in our lives, one where she thinks she truly knows best, but really doesn't.  Let me explain.

She has this new thing where she is very much convinced she does not need diapers AT ALL anymore. During the day she is correct.  She is very much potty trained….but at night…not even close!  Three nights ago in the middle of the night, Ben and I listened to her try to reason with us why she in fact did not require a diaper. The kid drinks like a gallon in the middle of the night, she needs them. But try reasoning with a two year old that you really do know what is best for her at that time…yeah not fun. 

The next night I got her ready for bed and put her diaper on. I set her on the floor and walked away.  She began complaining again and at the same time Elise also began to cry as she too was ready for bed. Aubrey looked up at the bed and exclaimed "Don't worry sister my diaper hurts too!".   At least she had someone on her side that night.

But it got me thinking.  Do we ever get to a point in our life where we ALWAYS know what is best for us?  Or will we forever have times where we are blinded by thinking we do, when really someone else has the right of it.

I can think of so many times as a young adult where my Mom questioned my behaviour or tried to guide me in how to deal with a situation. I also remember thinking in those times "seriously?! As if I don't know how to deal with this on my own. I KNOW what's right…"  *insert hanging of the head.  Now with a few more years, a marriage, and two kids under my belt that perception has dramatically changed.  Some days I don't know how I would get through situations without the advice from my Mom on how to deal with it, or even just giving me a different perception of a situation. 

So maybe we go through a cycle. Maybe we reach a certain point in our lives where we realize that it's Ok, and even a great benefit, to have help. Or even beyond just help but fresh eyes to look at a situation and realize….you need the damn diaper!

Can you say Ogrits?

Aubrey is getting smart, too smart. Everyday it gets harder and harder to outwit her. To coax her into doing things our way. I love it, and hate it. Actually with me she is usually pretty good. I think she knows I'm more stubborn than her and bound to win. Her and her Dad are something different. Their conversations tend to give me the most laughter in a day. 

Yesterday morning Ben was having a nice chat with Aubrey while he was getting the two of them some breakfast. They were both at the fridge as Ben began to pull things out. He pulled out a container of yogurt and was going to close the door when Aubs spotted the peanut butter. She got her usual excited face on and asked her Dad for some 'teenut butter'.  Ben thought this was a good chance to get her to pronounce the word correctly. Here's how it went…

Ben : Aubs can you say PEANUT BUTTER? ( said in a real teachy type of way)

Aubs replies while looking at him like he is a small child: Can YOU say Ogrits?  

Obviously she felt the need to take the opportunity to teach her Dad a thing or two.  

Fast Forward to a little bit into breakfast time a new conversation strikes up…

Aubrey:  Mmmm we watch Toopy Binoo Daddy?

Ben: No Aubs let's have a nice breakfast and visit. I never got to see you yesterday and I miss you.

Aubrey: Mmmm we try it?

Ben: No Aubs we are just going to visit

Aubrey, said with a little chuckle : Ok Daddy you get the computer!

Ahhh I chuckle just writing it out. She is a girl who knows what she wants and why not try and convince your Dad that if he thinks about it he obviously wants it too!

Falling in Love

I think there are specific moments where we fall in love with our children.  Obviously when they are born there is an immediate love you have for them it's a special moment. But, I also think that that initial love is a foundation. One that gets strengthened and built on through these other moments I'm talking about. I love these moments. And for each girl I really quite vividly remember a lot of them.  Some were repetitive moments things that happened daily even.  I have always wondered what other women's 'moments' are with their children. 

My Favorite Aubrey moment-  I vividly remember one of the first nights that I was up in the middle of the night nursing Aubrey. She was not a great nurser. In fact I was usually in tears while nursing because it hurt so bad, for about 4 weeks.  But I remember one night she had actually latched really well and nurse just as well. Afterwards I propped her up on my shoulder and her head gently nestled into the curve of my neck and shoulder. When I tilted my head just so it hugged her head and aloud me to breathe her in. I will never forget those moments. I often wish I had gotten Ben to take pictures of her and I like this, I even recall a few times almost calling him into the room and asking but then I never wanted and intruder. It would not have been the same. Instead I have locked that memory into my soul as tightly as one can.  Luckily she still likes to lay up on my shoulder like this and I still love it.   I have loads of 'moments' with Aubs but I would have to write a novel to tell them all. They also happen daily and I choose to believe will happen the rest of our lives. 

My Favorite Elise moment-  E is such a different baby then Aubs. Which I love that they are. I remember looking forward to her nestling into my neck like Aubrey did, but she actually never does. Even though Elise is only 4.5 months old I have a lot of moments with her I actually am having a hard time picking just one favourite.  But I think I am going to have to go with the way she loves her momma. She is a total mommy's girl. We can be in a room full of people and she locks eyes with me and will smile and tell the biggest stories. I have been in stores, around family members, anywhere really where she gets locked in like this and someone else will try and come into the conversation most of the time she completely ignores the other person she is so intent in just her and I.  Other times she will give the other person a quick side glance and her brows will scrunch just slightly like she's saying "can't you tell I am busy here".  I love my talks with her. 

I have to add one more favourite to Elise. She LOVES to hold hands. While she nurses, when we are in a car, laying on the floor, tub time, anywhere really she wants to hold hands. 

This week was a rough week with my girls. Both were whiny and miserable a good chunk of the time. But then these moments would happen and when they happen, I just fall in love with them even harder.  

Why, hello Doctor...Don't mind the nasty pink dragon

Yesterday I had to make an unexpected trip into Lacombe for a visit to the walk-in clinic. Elise and I have been battling a case of thrush. Unfortunately everyone was busy so it was too hard to leave Aubs behind. So I debated waiting until the next day when I knew Ben would be home and he could help. Then I looked at my miserable baby and knew I needed to suck it up. And besides Aubs has been a really good kid, so she would be great right? RIGHT???

The little Screech Owl

Both girls quickly fell asleep on the drive giving me a nice peaceful trip.  I considered letting them sleep longer when I got there but thought to myself "meh, they'll be fine", and it was late so I wanted to get moving.  I gently woke Aubrey from her sweet slumber. I could see on her face she considered crying so right away I started talking to her about the fun books in the waiting room and she jumped on board that fun ship. Elise was content as could be too.  We hauled ourselves into the waiting room settled into a few chairs and waited. 

Aubrey wandered back and forth bringing books for us to read. She would sweetly smile at the nurses and other sicklies sitting around waiting.  She put on a good show. She even made dramatic 'I love you' statements to Elise and I making the waiting room swoon, I tell ya the kid knows how to put on a good show. Elise even joined in cooing and smiling at any person that caught her eye. I was sitting there pretty smug. Thinking how good my kids were and how easy it was to haul them around on my own, you know I talked myself up real good in my head. Gave myself a mental pat on the back and a small smirk. 

Next we get called into the room. Again the girls are great while we waited both just laying the charm on me. Then it happened. The worst thing possible the Doctor walked in. Aubrey instantly changed.  It was like a gremlin took over her body. Elise was in her carseat on the floor in front of me, and Aubrey took a sudden liking to the idea of 'rocking' her. By rocking I mean thrashing the carseat around so wildly she even managed to tip it straight back once. Then she decided Elise needed more lovin' which never ends real well. She would push her face into her so hard Elise ended in tears every time. When Elise gets worked up she is totally irrational. So how do I handle this you ask? Well like any other parent. I asked nicely the first time. The next thirty times I grabbed Aubrey's arm squeezed and gave her The Look . The harder I squeezed her arm the more set Aubrey's jaw became and the harder she did what she was doing. It was a battle of wills and I was losing. Luckily we were in and out quick. 

Afterwards I was explaining to her how mad I was and that she would not get said promised treat.  She looked at me slanted her eyes and said "I'm as mad at you as a Pink Nasty Dragon" then looked away. Well said Aubs, well said. 

Letter To My Girls

Today I sat across from my oldest nephews watching them play a game on iPads. They were both really intent on what they were doing. I took time to really look at them both. I really thought about how their looks were so different, yet they were clearly brothers. And even for a fleeting moment I was able to remember them when they were small boys. Watching them led my mind down a path of twisty heart gripping thoughts. Let me explain. 

I watched Grant first, he's the oldest, and he has this easy way about him. He pretty easily makes friends and he has this charm about him. It's the kind of charm that can get a  guy in and out of trouble. Then I looked at Nate and thought about how different he was. He has more heart then any kid I know. When he wants to he puts his everything into something, especially if it is defending his big brother. But I sometimes watch Nate and I wonder if he wishes he had the ease Grant does. And my heart hurt for him in that split second. It hurt that I wondered if he knew that his humour, loyalty and big heart were just as important as the easy charm Grant possesses. And just as powerful. I wondered if he knew he was perfect, because he was him. 

This sent my head into a spin. Of course it made me think of my own two girls.  Already their looks are different, but sisterly. Aubrey has an outgoing, charismatic personality. While right now due to age Elise's is just developing. Although I think she is quite the charmer already too. 

I wandered into the future thinking about when they reach a school age. I thought about whether school would come with ease, or if they would fight their way through it. I thought about friendships and wondered if the girls would handle them with ease and a grace I sometimes never gave. Then my heart really hurt. Because I know the truth already. I know they will both have to come up against obstacles. That is life. One or both of them will have falling outs with friends.  Which made me flashback to my own time through school. 

I had a great group of friends. We had a problem though. Well first we were a group of girls and that inevitably causes issues on it's own. But we also had a unique situation of almost all of having been together since pre-school right through to grade 12. My graduating class was something like 14 people. When we hit junior high things got dicey. We ( I say we because i was totally a part of it all at one point) got teenage girl on each other. The group tended to pick one girl to put on the outs for awhile. I remember watching and participating and thinking this is awful but at the same time never stepping forward. I also recall thinking "why would it ever happen to me?"  Well….shocker…it did happen to me. If memory serves right I want to say it was in grade 9. I put on a pretty good front about it. I remember thinking I didn't need them as friends anymore. I had friends outside of school and that was enough. riiiighhttt….

Well it made the last few years of school feel like an eternity. And I would say probably the first time I really experienced a depression. But this post is not meant to rehash that crap. It's over and we have all moved on from that. 

So after walking down memory lane I thought to myself "what would you tell your future 14 year old girls if you could?". If I could write them a letter what would it say. Then I thought do it. Don't wait. Do it now. So here goes,

My Girls,

If you are like any teenage girl out there you have friends. And like any teenage girl you are going to fight with those friends. And you are not always going to come out unscathed. It's Ok though. I have some things for you to remember through it all. 

First, you are going to survive. I promise you you are going to come through it and life is going to keep on moving. Don't let your mind trick you into thinking otherwise. 

Second, remember everyone has a story. It's not always about you.  I know there will come a time someone will lash out at you so viciously that you will want to put up your defences and fight back with just as much fire. But I tell ya to take the time, even the briefest of seconds, to take a look further into the book don't just look at the cover. I promise you that person has a story that just might be a harder one then yours. Love that person. Treat them with as much love, empathy and kindness you can muster in that moment. And when that chapter comes to an end you will know you wrote the story with a pen of your own instead of letting someone else guide you into their darkness. 

Third, remember your story isn't special. WOAH! Right?! I don't mean you aren't special I mean everyone has similar struggles they just don't voice them. Just because you think the girl who picks on everyone else but appears to have all the luck doesn't struggle with her self esteem (or something else) I promise you she does. 

Fourth, remember we are meant to live in relationship with people. It's great to be independent. But don't push independence into isolation out of fear of hurt. There will be relationships that hurt so bad. Sometimes because you love the person THAT much. But, don't shy away from them. Dive into them and live it. It's a part of living. And when you come out the other end it's a beautiful thing. 

Fifth, You are so perfectly imperfect. Our imperfections are what makes us unique and they can teach you more about yourself and others then being perfect ever could. 

Sixth, no matter what your Momma has your back :)  I wish I could stop the hurts that are bound to come. i wish with every being that I could hold you both tight to me and help protect you from the world that is going to come out swinging around you. My heart wrenches at the thought of knowing you will have pains. But, they are tiny gifts. Theses hurts they are going to show you what you are made of, they are going to teach you more about yourself then I ever could. They are going to help grow you into even more beautiful human beings then you already are. 

Love you to the moon,

Mom

I think that is what I would say to them. And I hope with all my heart that when the time comes I can guide them without holding them back from the lessons they need to learn and go through. Being a parent is truly the most difficult thing I have ever done. 

It's My Birthday. (said like Eeyore)

This week was my Birthday. A few things happened to me surrounding my Birthday that were new. A new number (obviously), I am 28 now. That feels ancient. I remember when my oldest sister turned 28 and thinking "God she's getting so old".  I also had some new thoughts and for lack of a better word behaviours. Let me explain.

I have never liked Birthdays.  When I was younger and still having 'friend Birthday parties' i often found myself stressed about the day. Will my friends have fun? Will so and so get along? I mean my 'What If' list went on and on around those parties. Also I had some Birthday's that were shared with my sister Sarah. I think I hated that. I say "I think" because i can't actually bring up the feelings I had around that time, it is all from the perspective of looking back. So looking back I say I hated it. Then as I got older I came to downright dread Birthdays.  I had some falling outs with friends through late junior high and High school. My social circle became more centred on my cattle friends (who were scattered all over) and my cousins (who are still my best friends).  So Birthdays kind of became a day that just came and went. I tried to come off as someone who hates celebrating. Which really is not authentic to who I am. I wish I could be a person who says " A birthday is just another day, I hate celebrating them", but actually I like doing things for my Birthday. Granted I hate large parties, but I do like doing something out of the ordinary for the day. 

So, in short I hated August 29th for quite a few years. Then I got married.

*Disclaimer for Mom and Dad- I will note my Mom and Dad always did a Birthday supper for me and still do to this day.  I appreciate that and love that family time. I definitely do not discredit it. 

Ben is a surprise guy. He loves to be surprised and he loves to surprise people. I love and hate this about him. I love it because he is just so damn enthusiastic. He wants to make everyone feel special, and loved. When he has a surprise for someone he is like a little kid waiting to open presents on Christmas morning. I hate it because he likes to surprise me. 

Why do I hate that my husband loves going through great efforts to give me a surprise you ask? I'll tell you!

It's stressful. Stop rolling your eyes and scoffing at me and hear me out.

I in general don't like being the centre of attention. Ben loves being the centre of attention (don't lie Hon you do). So every time christmas, birthdays, anniversaries etc. come around I fear a surprise. Because what if he does it publicly? Or what if he has some sort of event where I am thrust into being the centre of attention.  I love my husband to death…But…he even publicly proposed to me. I actually to this day don't think i said a word when he did it. A room full of people and he asked the big question…ack let's not talk about that. I so hate being at the centre I even made sure that our wedding showers could be unisex so that Ben had to be there. 

So, after Ben came on the scene Birthdays changed for me. They became stressful instead of hateful. LOL. OK I didn't lie awake at night hating or stressing it was just a general feeling around the occasion.  But as occasion came and went Ben and I found our groove, and I slowly started to really look forward to special occasions with him. This year was really different.  I was excited for my Birthday!  Like more excited than I was to watch Aubs open her presents at Christmas, kind of excited! Ben had some surprise up his sleeve, but we also had just planned a really great evening in. Nice supper with the girls, get kids to bed at 7:30, chocolate fondue and a movie for the two of us after. I mean who wouldn't be excited about chocolate?!

I really embraced my Birthday this year. I spent the day with Elise in Camrose just doing minor things, groceries, lunch with my sister, coffee. Just really relaxed. Actually I was sitting at the drive-thru waiting to pay for my coffee and I got the urge to pay for the customer behind me. I have never done that, but I did that day and it was so much fun. I never expected that I would love doing it so much. As I was driving home I wondered to myself why it felt so different this year. And I think I have  a few answers to that. 

I am more settled. I love being with my girls, I love Ben, and now with writing and photography I finally have something that is more my own. I should say too that the course I took in Calgary a few weeks ago has had a huge impact. It has forever changed me. I spent so many years wrapped up in thinking I had nothing. Thinking I wasn't passionate about anything, had no interests, and then in later years thinking "will I forever just be a mom?".  Now I see myself so differently. I am a Mom ( a pretty decent one too), A wife (not a house one I hate housewifedom), a writer (you poor saps who have to read my ramblings make me feel like a real one), a photographer (i love being out doing it, I find it therapeutic).  I also see more of my good qualities, I can see that I am giving, thoughtful, compassionate, funny (come on you had to of laughed at a few of my posts), loving. Honestly I think at one point, ok a lot of points, I would have said I really did not care for myself. Through the fogs I could not see that any good layed within me, or that any real great potential did. At one time i think I even thought being a Mom was about all I could achieve. Sad, but true.  Now my doors are so wide open to so many things that the draft is making me a little chilly. Seriously my feet are freezing right now :)

P.S. Ben's surprise for me was a brand new 27" iMac computer, then he set up a little office for me along with printed pictures I took on canvas! The canvas pictures were actually from my Mom and Dad though!

Big Steps

Yesterday I made a really big step forward for myself. Now to most it would seem little, maybe not even on their radar as a movement at all.  But to me, and my usual patterns in life, it was an awesome step!

See like I have mentioned in a previous post, I spent a good chunk of my years paralyzed. Paralyzed to do anything!  I would come up with ideas of jobs, vacations, items I wanted to buy and then stop. I just couldn’t commit. It depended on the circumstances each time as to what would stop me. But a lot of the time it was simply fear.

Fear is like the enemy of the world. Fear causes way more issues then it ever should be allowed. See it feeds on itself. Once it wins once, it becomes more powerful.  Fear had been feeding off me for a long time. Longer then I care to admit.

About 4 years ago shortly after Ben and I started dating we moved to Halifax. I worked from home so this was an easy move for me. But I got bored. I needed time out of the apartment. So he suggested I take his camera out for a walk. I quickly fell in love. I never thought I would like photography all that much.  Ben taught me a few basics and I worked at it for months. Then we moved home and I kind of stopped.

Insert fear. You see I had family members who were already amazing photographers we didn’t need another one in the family. Honestly I used that as an excuse! The worst part is my family is so huge that if I continued down that path I would never find something I loved that no one else was doing *insert head smash on wall.

Then Ben came to the rescue again, such a knight in shining armor he is, and bought me my own camera as a wedding present!

I took hundreds of pictures and barely ever showed anyone anything.  Then I had kids. My love of photography increased ten fold.  I took a weekend course that gave me some basics about shooting in manual and I have practiced and practiced more.

Since having Elise I really realized it was something that as the girls got older I would really love to do.  But that would mean I would have to commit. And even worse, like tell people I was doing it…

One of my favorites!

So back to the big step. I finally asked a friend of mine if she would be up for coming out with me to practice.  I came home from shooting her and was totally exhilarated. I loved every second of it. We had so much fun together. And it felt so good to do something creative.  I had not felt that good about something I had done in a long time.  Anyone else out there take a big step this week?

Oh and remember that guy Fear, he came home a little deflated and feeling sorry for himself…

Nasty Dragons or just my kids? Which would you rather have for a day?

Today I was the first day since becoming a nursing mother I have ever wished that I was a formula feeder.  Which made me a bit queasy.

Now before all you parents out there who are formula feeders get all up in my business, let it be known that I totally support formula feeders!  If it is what works best for your family then it is obviously the best choice!

Now, enough about you, let’s get back to me.

I love nursing. The bonding time with my girly truly is special. And I feel a bit smug over Ben that he doesn’t get that time.  So why did I hate it today you ask?

Well let me describe the last three days. That’s right 3 DAYS! 

Step 1: Make/eat breakfast while listening to Aubrey whine that she only wants ‘orgrits’ with the background medley sounds of Elise screeching that I stepped out of her sight.

Step 2: Get dressed. Simple enough, right? WRONG!  This is where we will insert the music of Aubrey wailing about that I did not put her in a Pink Dress. 

Step 3:  Look longingly at the wall and consider slowly banging my own head against it.

Banishing the Nasty Dragons

Step 4: Let’s try and get out of the house surely that will help.  WRONG O again!  The whining from Aubrey at least stops at this point. Instead she turns into an Academy award-winning actress. She puts on a good show for the public, spinning dance moves, singing, telling great expressive stories about towers, princesses and Nasty Dragons!  Literally, and I do not exaggerate, the second the public is out of sight the whining and crying starts again.

Step 5:  Make supper. By now Elise is in full on screech owl mode. If I step out of sight or am not touching her she screams as though she is being hurt. Great huge sobs. With giant alligator tears that would usually stop me in my tracks and initiate snuggle time.  That swiftly goes out the door the second you have two children and they are both in full on terrorize mode!

Step 6: Eat said supper.  This should be a peaceful time, one where Ben and I enjoy a glass of wine chitchat and laugh merrily throwing our heads back in joy.  So wrong, so very wrong.  This is the time Ben starts trying every bribe tactic with Aubs (who normally is a great eater) to eat anything on her plate. Usually the only thing that finally works is him motioning to take the food off her plate, which makes her grab it and he replies all affronted “Aubs that is MY food!”

Step 7: Bath time. Screeching, screaming, yelling, laughing, crying, tears, screeching, hold your breath kinda crying, bath done.

Step 8: Bedtime. This actually goes fairly easily. Likely because they are both exhausted from literally never ceasing the crying and whining all day long. I seriously mean they do it all day long!

Step 9: Midnight. This is when the bedtime thing goes terribly awry. Aubs freaks out and insists on coming to bed with me. No big deal I don’t mind snuggling her. But the last three days has been torture. She literally is whining and crying in her sleep. I mean it She has her eyes closed and heavily breathing and still whines and moans and complains, just long enough to wake Elise up.  And funny enough the minute Elise is awake Aubs is asleep. I lay Elise down and we cycle through this dreamland until we start over at Step 1!

So nursing.

Yeah today I wanted to hand over both the girls to Ben and leave for the day. Or even just the evening. But I exclusively nurse. Which means I am tied to the Screech Owl for another 5 months. I know many of you are thinking, “just give her a bottle!”  And a sane person would. But if you kindly look to your right at my bio you will see I have never claimed to be sane, not once.