What's Mine Is Yours

I haven’t really gotten a chance to write a blog about my pregnancy yet. And it will have to wait again for the next one.  Today I watched an encounter between Aubrey and her cousin that needs a quick blog!

Aubrey is hyper aware of everything around her. It’s a nice trait, but also a bit tricky.  She asks questions and remembers things that just kind of blow my mind.  Even with being quite self-conscious of my body I never let it be an issue at home. The girls have seen me shower, change etc.  A long time ago Aubrey stopped in her tracks like she was seeing me for the first time. Her eyes widened slightly and she said “Mom where did you get those scratches on your tummy?”

I knew this question would come eventually. I sorta really hate my stretch marks, but also don’t pay much attention to them.  So, I gave her this big explanation about how when she was a baby inside me she just didn’t have enough room, my tummy had to grow and it left these marks all over.   She was satisfied and went on her way.  

Now she likes hearing the story. Like it somehow is this special story just about her and I. 

Today Rowan (her cousin) came over, I was trying to explain to her that I had a baby in my tummy. She thought I was hilarious and had a good laugh, followed by saying “uhhh no you don’t!”. 

Aubrey quickly dropped what she was doing looked at her and said “YA she is! AND my mom has marks on her tummy that are from when I got to be inside!”.  She said it with way more pride then anyone I have ever met about stretch marks. Like they were hers.

It threw me off. Made me stop and remember how much she soaks in from us.  From now on they will be ‘our’ stretch marks.

Week #5

This week was a rough week. All pictures are from my iPhone, I never pulled my camera out once. We were a house full of sickness, crocheting and crazy babies. 

My sister Angela came to my house a little over a week ago with a ball of yarn and a few hooks. She taught me the basics to crochet in about 20 minutes. Now I have gone a little overboard. Elise is wearing some leg warmers I whipped up, she had to be tricked into wearing them, now she loves them. 

Aubs and I sporting our infinity scarves I did. 

With my sinus infection I became a bit housebound, which in turn created crazy kids. So, I finally dragged myself outta the house and took the girls on a date. 

At Edo in Camrose the cooks can see pretty much everyone in the joint. They kept smiling and waving at Elise. This was her response. You can't see her hand but she was poking her fork at them with this look on her face. 

Sick mom + sick baby = multitasking put to the test!

First Days

My house feels quiet. Which is ridiculous because I can hear Elise smashing toys about as she plays in the little wooden kitchen.  But it feels quiet. 

Today I dropped Aubrey off at her first day of pre-school.  Now I know this should not really feel like a big day, but I am kind of sad.  Yes it's only two hours, yes it's only two days a week, but it's the beginning of her being gone all day, five days a week.  It all feels too close. If I could just push it away for just a bit longer. Keep her naive and carefree just a bit longer.  

I feel most sad for what I know will come.  The things that seem inevitable. Things that will shape her that are out of my control.  I know the best I can do is be ready, ready to teach her how to respond, how to cope, how to stay light hearted and joyous. 

So, today a letter for my girl.

Aubrey,

Today you start pre-school. It's a big day. One that you are so ready for. You have felt ready for school the last year.  You were so excited this morning, even made your Dad play school all morning until it was time to go. 

You worried for your Mamma, asked me quite a few times if I was sad.  I explained multiple times, that I was sad but sometimes it's ok to be sad. 

I want you to remember that there are so many exciting things about school.  But also that there will be challenges.  There will be times that another kid is not so nice. But remember there are times you can be not so nice. This doesn't mean that they, or you, are a bad person. Give second chances, give third chances. I think being giving is the most important thing to remember.  

Love you to the most,

Mom

P.S. Remember that even if none of the other kids do, it's ok to break out into song whenever you feel like!

Hello 29...

Well tomorrow is 'The Big Day' *insert scary music* I turn 29.  Feel free to shower me with champagne and gifts, it's my champagne Birthday 29 on the 29th.  I'm heading into the Birthday with a real mix of emotions. A) Holy Mother of Pearl this is my last year in my 20's, didn't I just turn 21?  B) It's all downhill from here, instead of champagne send your best wrinkle cream C) I still got one more year before I'm old like my sisters. 

First a little lead up to the Birthday day.  This week began with an awesome fight between Ben and I.  See he thought i didn't want to do anything for my Birthday. Like nothing. Nada. Zip.  You know because most people like to just sit around twiddling their thumbs.  Actually I don't call them fights anymore, we had a 'miscommunication'.  

Anyway it got sorted. I think. If you drive by my house tomorrow and you see me staring longingly out my window, please save me. 

Next I am working on a project. Sorta, kinda, only sorta because I hate committing to things in fear I won't follow through. I will have more on this project soon. 

Lastly, this last year has been the most challenging year I have ever faced. Dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety is a world that is so up and down. I have been blessed with an amazing support system in my husband and family, without them I'm not entirely sure how I would have gotten through the year. My girls have yet again succeeded in teaching me more life lessons in one year than you would ever dream possible. I am excited to see what this next year will hold for me. 

Happy 3rd Birthday

Dear Aubrey

No one can prepare you for the day you become a parent. People throw all kinds of advice at you, but it doesn't matter. No person is ever prepared for that moment when another life, one you created and nurtured with every breath of every day, is laid upon you for the first time.  I remember being so overcome, almost like I was watching someone else.  

While I was pregnant with you I talked to you a lot. Almost always these conversations happened in my head. When you were born it felt like we were still connected in the same way. It's a bit unexplainable but I pray there is a day my words won't be needed and you will know this feeling on your own.  

Watching you grow for three years now has been without question the most inspiringly beautiful thing I have ever seen.  Everyday you teach me why we are here. I see the way you love without question. You have a quiet way of making almost anyone feel like they are connected to this world and loved so wholly.  I hope you never stop.

Your imagination is so wild and overgrown that I sometimes wonder if we really do have unicorns in our house.  Your enthusiasm easily matches your daddy's, and that's saying something!   Your smile brings an ease and comfort to any situation. 

Happy 3rd Birthday.

Love you to the most. 

Mom  

To Drain or not to drain?

Aubrey is absolutely convinced that anything can go down the drain, no matter it's size, including a human.  When I am home alone with the girls the routine is that I get Aubs out first dress her while sitting beside the tub, then take Elise out. See Elise has to go second or she has a fear she might miss out on something and throws an enormous fit. 

The last couple of weeks Aubrey panics that we won't get Elise out of the tub fast enough and she is going to head down the drain with the water.  Here is my predicament - The good mom would calm her child and reassure her this is not possible and maybe talk through the physics of this….then the other EQUALLY as good Mom has a little fun.  It took me a week to decide which I wanted to proceed with. 

So, two nights ago this happened again. I was tired and have been alone for a few days so wasn't really on my best game. I did hesitate though…Here is our conversation

Best Sisters

Aubrey :  (she does this nervous laugh/cry thing and talks really fast when concerned about something ) Ahhh..hahaha…Mom…ahh…Get Eliser outta the tub…

Me: (stare blankly deciding what to do)

Aubrey:  (panicky laugh is increasing) Mom..Get Liser out now…Hahah..she's ah gonna go down the drain…

Me: (Looks over at the tub, eyes widen) OH NO she is going down the drain (Mock putting my arms out to save her)…Liser don't go ….nooooo

Aubrey: MOM!! NOT MY LISER, I LOVE MY LISER!! I NEEEEED HER!

Dammit!  She goes straight for the heart and says something cute and kind, now I feel bad. I quickly grabbed Elise and became the hero of the story. 

Aha Moment

I had an 'Aha' moment the last weekend. It actually kind of crushed me a tiny bit.  But I am so glad that I have solid proof of where changes need to be made!

First, I have been thinking about self esteem for quite some time. Watching as my niece and nephews are edging their way into that adolescent zone.  I think I became so much more aware after having two girls and recalling my own experience. I remember the year I headed into grade 7 I suddenly had a chest. Grade 6 there was nothing, summer came and so did boobs.  I was SO self conscious. None of the other girls had grown a full chest over the summer and it felt wrong to me to be different. To stand out. I just had no understanding and the confidence to say "I love this new body".

Anyways. It got me trying to remember when it happens. When does that moment happen that you start to hate your own body. I watch Aubrey and Elise they have zero concept of body hate. Aubrey tells us all the time how she feels and looks beautiful, not in a vain way but in that little girl way where they are so excited to feel that way. And the believe it, they believe it with all their heart. And Aubrey looks at me all the time and tells me "Mom you look like a princess" or "Mom you looks so beautiful".  I have fought to roll my eyes in response and attempted to beat the thoughts out of my head that this kid is on crack. 

I want to be that little girl again who simply thinks everyone is beautiful.  Seriously how different our world could be. Think about it!

Back to my 'Aha' moment.  Last weekend I was laying in bed with the two girls reading our ritual bedtime story. Ben took out his phone and started taking pictures of the three of us together. And instead of looking at the picture as a precious memory of that moment in time, a moment that will eventually feel like a flicker of time, I flipped through them, stopping long enough to say "I look terrible!"  Aubrey asked if she could look at the pictures. I watched her study it for a few seconds then shake her head and say "I look terrible"….gutted.  

That right there is where it starts. 

So, I have made a vow to never say a bad thing about my body again. Not even a just in front of the kids promise. I mean never. It's a process, i have had to fight hard multiple times already to not say something.  So pray for me that I have the strength to keep it up…

Hide and Seek...Please don't seek!

I’m sitting in a way too busy coffee shop thinking of writing this really nice touching blog about how it’s been a year since I started writing. A year since PPD and anxiety crept into my life and got comfy.  Instead….I am going to write about hiding from my kids. 

Elise has been sleeping like a dream for about a month…only the worst kind of dream!! Seriously it’s so bad that even Ben is tired. He never gets tired…or he hides it super well.  Last week I lay in bed listening to Ben prepare breakfast for everyone, it was clear he was struggling. Elise was screaming, Aubrey was filling him in on something that she obviously thought he was not knowledgeable in.  So obviously being the good wife I am I got out and saved the day. WRONG! I rolled over fished my phone off the floor and texted Ben “Is it bad if I don’t want to come out so I don’t have to be around our kids?” Weird it took awhile for his response, I kinda started to worry he was thinking of starting the van up to take me to the crazy house (only to realize we lived there).  A simple  “NO” came through.  

The Tyrant

Luckily for me I have the world’s best husband, today anyways. He arranged for Aubs and I to hide out and re-sleep train The Tyrant.  I literally hid from her. I can’t handle sleep training. It’s the only parenting thing I super hate.  I can listen to her cry at night for about 10 minutes then I am in there like a dirty shirt ( I don’t really get that saying).  

Ben was a champ. After the first brutal night I swept in that morning and snuggled the heck out of her, until she pushed me away because clearly she has more important things to do like play with the handle on the window.   

Now after two nights I think we broke her. Only she one upped us. Now she would much prefer we don’t hold her while she falls asleep. Its like she knew that was the one last thing of her babyhood we liked. It was like a “eff you” if you won’t hold me all night then you get NOTHING!!

Well played E, well played. 

* Please remember to click the smiley little lady up in the top corner :)

A Birthday Gift

Today has been a really mixed bag for me. Today is Elise's 1st Birthday.  Obviously it is a major day of joy. I wish everyone could see the way she lights up when someone says "Happy Birthday", she claps and kicks and loves it.   She even smiles and claps along when we sing Happy Birthday to her.  No shame there, she loves getting older and the attention!

I can't believe how quickly things pass when it is a second child.  I find myself struggling to grasp on to her babydom.  Yet at the same time I love this older more independent  stage she is coming into.  

In this last year she has taught me so much.  I watch in awe the sheer determination she has when she knows she wants something. Sure it can be frustrating, but I also feel like it's a glimpse into a future of a young woman who will succeed at anything she decides to pursue.  She also loves equally. She doesn't have favourites.  She just loves ya good when she decides she is ready to love ya good, ha. She can be fickle with it all at the same time. She has a smile that lights up her whole face, it just takes her over. When I look in her big blue eyes i worry I may never find my way out. 

My biggest ache today, is my own hurt. I've kind of tried to ignore it and been quite successful for the most part.  I find myself trying to not regret the first months of her life. I regret that I was so torn up that now I worry that what if she didn't feel the same kind of love that Aubrey got as a baby?  Did she always feel as loved as I felt I loved her?  Did I give her absolutely everything I could?  I kind of feel a little angry at the same time that I couldn't just enjoy every last second of being a Mom all over again.  I feel cheated. Just thinking back to that time my heart hurts, it gets a little tougher to swallow while at the same time trying to stop the tears. 

Then I try and talk some sense into myself realizing that at the same time I also grew so much through Elise becoming a part of my life. I grew in a way I don't think I ever would have without her.  She gave me a gift. She gave me a new start. I will forever be thankful no matter how painful it can be to look back at.

50 Years

First, last week there was a lot of sadness and tragedy in our world.  If you really let yourself look in depth it can feel like our entire world is nothing but tragedy.  It's true there is so much that needs to change. So much that if you allow yourself to think about it it might just consume you whole. 

Last week one comment that really stuck with me was "It makes me sick to think of the world my children and their children will have to grow up in…"  There were many different variations of this statement.  This comment kind of stopped me in my tracks. 

First I was a bit embarrassed by myself because I have thought this exact same thing. Even had a bit of anxiety over it. Why was I embarrassed?

Well, the way I see it is (god willing) I have at least a good solid 50-70 years left on my life.  To be conservative let's go with 50.   Am I really going to sit back for the next 50 years and say "too bad this world my kids are growing up in sucks so much!"?   Am I going to passively sit around and hope someone else picks up the pieces of our community, school, world etc.   Or just already give up?! 

Honestly this thought never occurred to me until this week.   

Then it made me realize I am really not OK with sitting around for another 50 years feeling sick about our world and my poor children. Instead I want to make a difference. I want to work the next 50 years trying to leave our world in a better space.  I also don't want to raise my kids as a victim of our environment. Poor them. Pfftt. I want them to get their hands dirty. Be apart of transforming this world into something amazing. 

Maybe, just maybe if they are a part of it they will take pride in it. They will nurture it, tend to it with a gentle hands, embrace it with a loving heart, look at it with compassionate eyes.  I like to try and imagine a world like that.  Try it. It's a pretty cool looking place. 

Stripes

I have to be really careful around Aubs. She is really intuitive. She quickly senses any
shift in the energy of a room, around a person you name it. Today was an off day for
me. The girls had a brutal night and Elise is in high teething mode making for one
heck of a needy babe through out the day.

As the day went on Aubrey was really good. She played with a friend through the
morning while I was in a meeting, then she played happily on her own through
a good chunk of the afternoon. I layed down on the floor at one point with both
girls circling around me playing. Only to have Aubrey stop and start up a …touchy
subject.

When I got on the floor my shirt had slipped up just slightly, but I never noticed.
Aubrey stopped in her tracks knelt down beside me and gently touched my stomach.
You see mine looks different then hers, mine has marks. Right now I am mentally
hitting my head on a wall, like I really want to think about friggin stretch marks.

As she did this she said “Momma it’s ok you just have stripes” she stopped kissed my
stomach then said “You’re gonna be ok!” then sat and waited for my response.

You know I have read all the different posts on blogs and pinterest, facebook you
name it, all about how we should accept our stretch marks from childbearing,
embrace them even. I’ve tried, like really hard. But I hate them.

I love that I was able to carry my children into this world and that they are two
healthy little girls. I love that I got to feel what it’s like to have a little foot kick you
from the inside. I feel incredibly blessed to have had all the experiences that come
with being pregnant and the end result of my amazing children.

But, nope, still don’t like the stretch marks.

Although I will say I have come to terms with them. I accept that they are there and
just a part of my body now. So in response to Aubrey’s kind words I went on to
explain to her how I got them. I told her a story all about how her and Elise got to
spend some intimate time inside my belly and that it needed to grow to make room
for them, which then left me with some stripes.

She lifted her shirt looked from her belly to mine then said “WELL…we both have
belly buttons Mom!” That we do Aubs, that we do!

Multiple Personalities

Recently I was thinking about getting back into the work world. I thought about how strange it would feel since I am just finishing up 3 years being a stay at home mom.  The more I thought about it I kind of panicked a little. It made me totally anxious to think about how I would ever survive an interview. Then I shook my head and realized why being a full time Mom is like the ultimate workforce prep. 

Think of this mock interview question: Ma'am can you work in a team environment?

Mock Answer:  *insert smile and nod*, why yes in fact. I have spent the last 3 years in a 24 hour 7 day a week job with multiple personalities….

Then that is where I would pause and reflect. Try and decide "Do I tell him the truth?".   What truth you ask. Oh you know that the multiple personalities all belong to one person. Who can't even read or write. One tiny thing that one moment is throwing their arms around you kissing your cheek…then BAM!  Literally 30 seconds later they are on the floor screaming that, and I quote, "Don't you do that to me, DONT talk!!!!".  Which obviously being told you can't have juice is a dramatic life changing moment.  Oh wait it's been another 30 seconds, now they are up and gleefully singing and dancing to a song they just made up on the spot.  Who doesn't need a mid-show song and dance?

See what I mean.  Multiple personalities. I will be able to work with just about anyone and not even be phased by them. 

*Also if you are feeling nice and haven't voted for me yet please go to http://www.toms.com/ticket-to-give/flags/4350 

Lost Love

Well it has finally happened. My daughter has gone and broken my heart. Shattered. Sigh. Ok slightly dramatic… but not really.  

Backstory:  My girls have always been really attached to me. Especially Aubrey, she still much prefers me over her Dad. She even says she is mine and Elise is her dad's. That hasn't changed.  Elise has, from the beginning, tolerated her Dad much more. Maybe even loved him.  

I have secretly (well try to secretly) really kind of loved this about my kids. I should probably feel badly for Ben. I guess i do a little. But I have always had a mental smug on that they wanted me more. That mental smug just got slapped off…almost literally. 

Yesterday for the first time…Elise wanted her dad.  I'm talking when she was in his arms if i came near she would swat me away. I even laid my head on Ben's shoulder and she pushed me away.  Put my arms out for her to come to me she swatted at me and turned her head. SERIOUSLY!!! 

I was telling Ben last night that the hold it has on me is totally ridiculous. I now feel like i have to win over a 10 month old baby!  He told me "hon, she still loves you…blah blah blah." I never heard the rest because i was annoyed. 

So, now i am off to win my daughters affections back. Wish me luck.

*If you are feeling extra kind today please just click the smiley lady in the corner!

Letter To Me

A letter to myself 9 months ago...

Kelly,

You are a month away from having your second beautiful baby girl.  She is going to add so much love, laughter and joy to your little family.  As she grows watching her interact with Aubrey will bring  smile to your face unlike any other.  Watching her grow and develop personality traits will give you a sense of pride that only a mother can know.

But, on your journey there is going to be struggles.  Along with the intense feelings of love and joy that your children bring there will be such an overwhelming, intense feeling that almost drowns you. 

You will shed more tears then you thought you had.  You will wonder if you are ever going to feel ‘right’ again. 

Finally you will break. You heart will feel like it’s a shattered shell so frail you wonder how there was a time it was strong. But was it ever strong?  Or were you always weak ?  These are questions that will plague you. You will think that you are different, that no one else has gone through the pains you are going through. 

You’re wrong.

If I could talk to you that day, from my perspective now, I would tell you how strong you are. I would tell you how speaking up and being vulnerable will forever change your life.  In so many ways you will feel freed. You will feel like the weight on your chest stopping you from breathing properly will suddenly be gone.  Sure its just the start to healing, but oh is it a powerful start.

I wish I could show you the emails and facebook messages you will receive form people. People who have stories like yours, people who just want to tell you they love you, and people who just put a smile on your face.   Because when you start receiving this outreach your life changes.   You see that there is nothing all that special about you.  You see that there are so many women who have struggled, and struggled hard.   Maybe had you seen these messages sooner a whole world of pain could have been avoided, or maybe lessened.  You wouldn’t have had to go so many months thinking you were alone.

But I can’t show you any of this. I can’t hold your hand and walk with you through those dark days.   Instead I hope you embrace this journey. Hold onto it and grow.  Because there is so much good that is going to come from those days.  Always remember imperfections are what creates beauty. 

“ And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin 

When Time Freezes

I have caught myself in a trap. It’s not a very pretty trap. In fact I hate it. Yes Mom I said hate, not dislike, hate.   I remember while I was pregnant with Elise thinking “I am going to do everything with this baby.”. Meaning I would do a lot of the things that I did with Aubrey.  The interaction, reading, playing etc.

I think you can start to see where this is headed.

I am in the process of weaning Elise and it kind of hit me. Holy crap, she’s 9 months old!  She has been on the outside longer than the inside! She is 3 months from her first birthday.  When I realized that it was like a giant lightbulb shattered over my head. That’s how bright it was, it shattered it!

From the time Elise was 2 months up unitl about 5 months were the hardest for me during my PPD. Life was draining, and foggy.  I look at that time with a lot of sadness. I catch myself hoping that both my girls really felt loved. I have days where I feel a lot of guilt that I couldn’t get myself together. 

A funny thing happened though. In my mind it’s like Elise’s age froze there.  Now at 9 months I realized I was still treating her like a 3 month old baby that is pretty unaware.  It’s like there has been a tape running in the back of my mind going “She is still just too young for …”

So, I have put in major time this last week treating her like she is the age she actually is and she has been amazing.  Which oddly makes me sad and happy. Happy because I must not have ruined her. But a bit sad that I feel like I didn’t give her enough. 

She has this big kid laugh now, it’s different from a little baby. And it is seriously amazing.  And she is a little jokester. She really gets a kick out of herself.  She thinks she is only ever meant to stand now, obviously sitting is for babies, which she is not.  She loves watching her sister…and tormenting her a bit.    

Raising a Parrot

You never realize how often you use a phrase, or word, until you have a toddler who mimics everything and anything. Aubrey has forever been a really big talker. She uses words beyond her years often making her sound like she is a little old lady. 

My family will often tell me of a conversation they had with her and ask "Where did she even learn something like that?".  I am often baffled. 

Recently I started paying attention to how we talk around her. It is like her mind has recorded everything I have ever said to her and she replays it, crazily at the appropriate times.  This can be a good thing (she has really nice manners) or it can be...less desirable. 

*Special note- if you ever hear a swear come from her feel free to thank Aunty Ang and Aunty Sarah for the language lesson. 

In the last month I have been trying to correct her from saying "Huh?".  It was driving me nuts. I would say something to her and she would say "Huh" four times before finally responding to me. I explained to her it's not a great word to use and instead she should say "Pardon me".  

Sadly I quickly realized Ben and I constantly say 'Huh' to each other. And trying to correct that feels like what a smoker trying to quit must feel like.  A few weeks have passed since I started this mission with Aubrey and we have gotten a few less "Huh's" and more "Mom I says pardon." 

 

I love you to...

Have you ever had one of your kids use a phrase and swear to yourself you will remember it?  Or how about little things they would do as a baby or toddler, and you just couldn't imagine NOT remembering it?! I have had so many things like this. And for the most part I do remember a lot of them. 

Once Elise was born and really started doing her own things I quickly realized I was in fact NOT remembering certain things Aubs used to do.  Like for instance no matter where we were, we could walk into a room that had music playing so softly it was hardly noticeable but she would start dancing. Seriously she did this every time! 

I catch myself with both the girls trying to somehow burn things into my memory. I don't want to ever forget the things they do and say.  Like right now Elise makes this hilarious face. It's a smile of sorts and she does it when she is really excited. It is seriously the cutest thing ever!  I can picture it so well right now. In fact I try all the time to get it on my camera so I have a sort of proof of it. 

I keep trying to come up with ways to store these memories. But I still can't come up with something super creative.  I am not a scrapbooker. I keep up their baby books fairly well, but it's not the same. 

My biggest one right now that I swear I will never ever forget. *crosses fingers* A few months ago I asked Aubrey "How much do you love me?".  This was a typical thing we would say to her. Before she would never really have an answer, she was barely 2 why would she?!  But a couple months ago I asked her and she looked at me, thought about it, then said "I love you to the most!" 

Obviously the most logical best answer! Why would we love someone to the moon? I can't tangibly picture that. But I CAN absolutely know what loving someone to the most feels like!  So that is our phrase. In our house we love each other to the most. 

A Night On The Edge

Last night my child pushed me to the edge. I teetered there for awhile. Sitting, watching, deciding. See she pushed me to where I had not ever been with her before. I was in unchartered territory. Right now most of you think I mean Elise…wrong! Aubrey was the culprit. 

Since she was a baby no matter what, I have been able to calm her. Usually all it takes is her seeing I am with her and she settles. Last night I listened to her cry for an hour. What was the cause of her meltdown you ask?  Oh silly people, it was tragic. Like I am talking anyone would be pushed to tears for a solid hour over this. See she cried out at 3:30 am for her Dad (shocking but true), she asked him for a water bottle. He promptly jumped into action. Then he had the nerve to GIVE HER THE BOTTLE…

Yes I am serious. 

This set off the longest hour of my life. My patience was pushed to that edge. See, she has had ridiculous meltdowns like this, but again, once I come quickly, chat to her, she settles and is back out. That did not work this time. All I heard through tears for one hour was "Tell Dad not to do that. I don't want a bottle….Dad did that."  This was like a broken record on repeat. 

I tried shutting the door. I tried gently talking to her. Then I was pushed too far. I had the lights on at this point, picked her up and said she was headed to time out. By now Elise had been long awake and sat wide eyed patiently waiting with Ben (she actually was patient for once). So I stomped out into the living room with Aubrey, headed for time out. 

As I walked I started my lecture to her. It went something like this - "Aubrey look at our house, stop crying for one minute and look. Look around you.  See it's Dark! This house wants to sleep. And know what it can't sleep with you crying. " then I headed towards our big picture window that allows a good view of the town. " See that Aubrey, even our neighbours are sleeping. See their houses are Daaaark. Because they want to Sleeep!"  I really started putting emphasis on some words. "And look….(I randomly looked around the room) see our christmas tree it's dark because it wants to sleep!!"  

By now she had quit crying. And stared at me wide eyed. I then continued to tell her that " you, Elise, Dad and i all need to be asleep. It's the only way to make our hearts and bodies happy and healthy. And right now we are awake. And WE are not happy!"

Finally I headed back to her bed laid her down and continued my rant.  "So if you want to choose to keep crying Dad, Elise and I are headed downstairs to sleep and you are staying here."  I watched her thinking then she quickly replied "Right and to watch a princess show?"  …"yes to watch a princess show and sleep without you!"

And it all ended with a quick "Alright Mom I go to sleep….can I have a baba?"

Resolutions

I have never been much of a New Years resolution kind of a girl. I have been quite against them.  I generally think it's like setting yourself up for failure.  So many people make these grand statements and it so rarely sticks. Although (hangs head) I will admit that I have had the odd year where on like December 28th I will make some resolutions. You know because then it's not technically a New Years thing. It was a goal set on just a random day, obviously making it more likely to be achieved. 

This has not worked…ever…

But this year I feel a bit of an urge to make some goals for myself. I feel really excited and energized heading into a new year. I have so many new things on the go, I have two amazing girlies, a great husband and just all around feeling pretty good about where we are at.  Sure I would love to one day sleep again (that's another blog for another day) but all in all we are doing pretty fantastic. 

One of the biggest things I really want to do is put in more time to the things I love. Photography and writing being at the top of the list (after time with my kids, obviously).  Mostly I realized while really struggling through PPD that I never felt like I hit my stride on my own. I fell easily into being a mom and love the job. But through my teens and young 20's I feel like I wasted a lot of time. I never threw myself into anything. And since becoming a Mom I haven't had a whole lot of time to do it.  I realized this Christmas was my 4th in a row either being pregnant or nursing.  

So, come the end of January I will be done nursing Elise and I am quite excited at some of the time that will open up. It will allow for me to do a lot more in the evenings (with Ben's help).  This break is also a test to see if I get to the point of feeling really ready for baby #3. Ben was ready like three days after Elise was born (ok maybe not quite that fast).  

Anyways I am rambling. I wish you all a very Happy New Year. And encourage you to make some resolutions…just not on the 31st those ones are doomed to fail. Make them on, like, the 2nd!

Merry Christmas!

I sadly don't have a Christmas prep story this year. We went about all of our Christmas preparations without any big meltdowns. It's strange. We even set up our tree without a fight, for the first time…ever…. It almost feels like we forgot a step to Christmas. Like we left out a tradition. 

E and her Daddy

Yesterday we had our Wilson Christmas and it was great. The kids played hard and good. It's so weird to have all the kids starting to shift into this stage where we walk in the door and they leave your side to play and you don't really see them again until dinner. Aubs did really well and loved every minute of being with her cousins. On our drive home Elise fell asleep after a little complaining, Aubrey talked, and talked, and talked. She had to relive every moment until finally 5 minutes from home she talked herself to sleep. That is a sign of a good day!

Since having kids Christmas has changed so much for me. I have come to really really love the season. I used to enjoy it, sure. But it's so different with kids. Everything is magical. 

Santa sent Aubrey a video message to my email. We watched the video 10 times…in a row…before I finally had to convince her to do something else.  She tells everyone about the video. She is so in love with the idea of Christmas. I have made the mistake of leaving her and her Daddy to their own and keep coming home to more and more 'sparkles' on my house. In truth it's getting out of hand. They just bought another 3 sets.  But every time we round the corner to come home and she sees the yard lit up, it's like she is seeing it for the first time. It seriously melts me every time.  She is also fond of calling everything her 'Christmas'. For example she catches falling snow in her hands and says "I'm gonna eat my Christmas!" It's awesome. 

tasting a little Christmas!

Elise is at a neat age. She loves seeing the decorations and lights. She has discovered ways to get under the tree and has ripped a few bows off presents.  I can't wait for next year when she is even older and her and Aubrey can share in the magic even more. 

Well I am off to get ready for more Christmas activity. 

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!