What's Mine Is Yours

I haven’t really gotten a chance to write a blog about my pregnancy yet. And it will have to wait again for the next one.  Today I watched an encounter between Aubrey and her cousin that needs a quick blog!

Aubrey is hyper aware of everything around her. It’s a nice trait, but also a bit tricky.  She asks questions and remembers things that just kind of blow my mind.  Even with being quite self-conscious of my body I never let it be an issue at home. The girls have seen me shower, change etc.  A long time ago Aubrey stopped in her tracks like she was seeing me for the first time. Her eyes widened slightly and she said “Mom where did you get those scratches on your tummy?”

I knew this question would come eventually. I sorta really hate my stretch marks, but also don’t pay much attention to them.  So, I gave her this big explanation about how when she was a baby inside me she just didn’t have enough room, my tummy had to grow and it left these marks all over.   She was satisfied and went on her way.  

Now she likes hearing the story. Like it somehow is this special story just about her and I. 

Today Rowan (her cousin) came over, I was trying to explain to her that I had a baby in my tummy. She thought I was hilarious and had a good laugh, followed by saying “uhhh no you don’t!”. 

Aubrey quickly dropped what she was doing looked at her and said “YA she is! AND my mom has marks on her tummy that are from when I got to be inside!”.  She said it with way more pride then anyone I have ever met about stretch marks. Like they were hers.

It threw me off. Made me stop and remember how much she soaks in from us.  From now on they will be ‘our’ stretch marks.

Elise meet Disney, Disney meet Elise.

We have been to Disney a few times. I love Disney. Yes there are crowds, and pricey…well everything, but the magic of the place just sort of brushes those things under the rug. In the week leading up to our trip Ben and the girls spent countless hours on our area rug pretending to fly to Disney, then they would continue on and enjoy many rides. It was super fun. The girls giggled with sheer joy through it all.  Just like our trip would be, right?!

Disclaimer: No matter what you read next we really did love this trip. It was very magical and everything Disney should be.  

Elise and her daddy have this thing where she bosses him around and he (mostly) does what she tells him. It's a really great deal they have going. Ben finally has his child who loves him most and Elise has a man servant. So, our first day was all travel and it turned out way longer than expected but the girls powered through and did great. 

Let's fast forward to our first day. We got off the shuttle at the park and the girls ran, skipping and giggling towards the front gates. Until 20 feet into the gig Elise stops, slowly and very dramatically lays on the ground and covers her face. Awe, cute right?  We smiled at each other, Ben kindly swooped down and lifted her in his arms snuggling her and doing their thing. 

That moment I just described should have been our ultimate warning. We should have known what would come next.  I won't bore you with super long stories, here is a bullet form explanation of our trip. 

- We have to wait to get into the main part of the park, so Ben stands in the already massive crowd and waits with the girls, I go get coffee.  All smiley I return to Ben with our lattes, but wait he has a weird look on his face. This is what he says to me "Soooo…Elise sort of laid on the ground again, I thought she was just doing that thing again. Well she was licking the water out of the tracks in the pavement….." 

- After getting off a ride our little family merrily walked towards the next area only to realize a group walking towards us was pointing, smiling and aw'ing. We looked around to realize we left Elise 15 yards behind us crouched down pretending to sob, very dramatically. 

- Elise wasn't super fond of lines. I mean if they were 10 minutes or less she was cool with it, but anything longer we would wait on edge for what could come.  Countless times she would get this glare on her face, look around the lineup and with lightning speed whip her soother out and throw it into the swarms of people. 

- The soother throwing was awesome fun, we did that game lots. On our second last day it was late in the evening and she had done it again. I asked Ben if it was bad that I had gotten to the point that I quickly looked anywhere but near her so that when she whipped it back in her mouth without me cleaning it I wouldn't have to deal with the look of disgust from others. Seriously, we were working on building her immune system!

- Standing in line for the Peter Pan ride we had gotten smart, we took snacks in the lineup.  The snack never lasted the entire wait, but she was doing good. Ben finally picked her up at one point (now remember this is generally a massive, tight line) she looked around the crowd, looked at her dad and before we knew what was happening she whipped his glasses off and threw them as far as her spindly arm could into the crowd. 

- On our last day we stood waiting in a busy area watching her lie on the ground fake crying again only to have people stop and ask Ben "is she ok?"….

-Towards the end of the big Parade Elise threw her soother into the middle of the parade. Don't worry, a kindly dancer kicked it back to us. No I did not clean it. 

Really my stories could go on and on but no one has that much time. Needless to say, we think Elise and Disney should not meet again for a few years. 

Week #8 (late again...)

I really don't have anything witty or particular mindful to go along with the pics this week. It's just a look at what's happening here. I probably don't have much to say because Elise isn't letting anyone get much sleep...

Abstract art at it's finest. 

This is her new thing, when she doesn't want to listen to me she throws her head up, like so, and marches away from me!

Pretty much everyday of every week we have a princess or ballerina in the house, or even a Princess that is a ballerina!

Week #7 Family Day Weekend

We were really lucky to get to have an entire Family Day weekend all together. It included swimming, pizza, movies, walks, adventures to find unicorns, magical fairies and butterflies (all were found but the butterflies).

Searching for the Unicorns, Fairies and Butterflies

I also had a little 'aha moment'. One of those times your kids stop you in your tracks and make you instantly analyze what you just did or are about to do.

Ben has not been feeling well so we popped him into a walk-in clinic. When Ben was called in the girls and I hung out in the waiting room. They were hopping between chairs and generally having a good time. Shortly after Ben left us a man walked out of a room from just being seen.  Aubrey looked him up and down as he walked past us, then asked "Mom why is he wearing pyjama pants?".

Elise believes in Jammie days, and wearing 5 pairs of undies on top.

Not wanting the man to be embarrassed, I instantly started to say "shhh" but barely got the sound out of my mouth before I stopped. I knew if i told her to shh, she would instantly ask why she should. . When I thought about how I would answer I didn't have a good enough answer to continue. I also thought if I say that would it have more impact on the man, maybe he would think I thought it was a shameful thing. I looked at her and replied "Well I don't really know why, but if I were to guess I bet it's because he is sick and just wants to be comfy.". Satisfied with my answer she went back to playing with Elise.

I was left to think of the impact me telling her to shh could have had. Would it have made her think it was a bad thing to wear comfortable clothing? That the man should be embarrassed?  Would it have produce a seed of judgment inside her for later years?

The rest of the weekend was much less eventful, unless you count the unicorn/fairy hunting.

I think she spotted a unicorn!

Week #6 (a day late)

Last week was a laid back week with the cold weather and everyone still working at recovering from colds. So just a couple of pictures...

She was wearing this giant skirt and dancing around, I had her stop for a few seconds so I could take a picture that was not her twirling. This is the look I received. 

Showing Dad how to multi-task, sweeping while colouring! Girls got skills!

I loves her. This picture reminds me of so many of her from when she was about 6 months old. 

Character... (and week #3 of pics)

I love books. I love movies. The characters I tend to really love are ones with characteristics I wish were stronger in me. So living in my bubble I assumed it must be like that for all people. Until my children came along and kind of upset my thinking. 

See, Aubrey fell in love with the character of Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Well the problem with that is, she kind of is like Belle. I read a character description of Belle tonight and it describes Aubrey quite well.  

Then I thought maybe Aubs is just weird and it was a fluke for her. Until this last week. Elise had a rough week, sick, teething, all that fun kind of stuff. In desperation one day I got out the iPad, showed her three options of movies, she picked Brave.  I didn't think much of it then. Until she sort of became obsessed. She asks at least a dozen times a day for a 'yo' (thats how she says show). Finally I went and bought her a book about Merida, which seems to mildly satisfy the addiction. 

This is her 'Mom pleeeease a yo?!' pose.

I kid you not, the description I read of Merida could easily be written about Elise. Now I kind of feel in a dither. 

Fine I'll read a book.

Where along the way did I step off the track? Or maybe I stepped on the track, one that so many people do.  As i think back to some of the characters I really love in books and movies, I feel like the qualities I admire in them (yes you can admire a fictional character) are ones I maybe had and lost along the way. Probably due to the fact I spent a large majority of my time worrying that I fit in, or didn't draw too much attention to myself, or was terrified I would fail miserably at life in general. 

As I inch closer and closer to my 30th birthday I realize how ridiculous I have been. Wasting time worrying about most things out of my control.  So, maybe the next step is to step off the track and see where it takes me….

Week #2

Aubrey and Elise are big story tellers. The imagination that sparks out of them each day never stops surprising me.  One minute I can be watching a ballet about a girl who wants to go to a grand ball, the next it's a story of magic that most people can only dream of. 

Before I had Elise (also while she was an infant), I used to do a lot of painting projects with Aubrey. Once Elise was old enough to participate it came to a quick end. Elise was has a lot more spunk than Aubs did at that age. A painting project meant spending an hour getting it off my chairs, walls, garbage can, her hair, face, legs, I think you get the picture. 

This week I decided it was time to branch out and try again. I am so glad I did. Elise loved every minute of it, she even ended with barely any on her. And Aubrey created stories with her paintings in a whole new way. 

Aubrey has a really great story about her painting. In the end it was an Angel who was guiding three golden stars. Actually I am not doing the story justice, she explained it all to Ben when he got home, luckily he caught it on video :)

Lisey really thought that painting was hilarious. She finished in about ten minutes, then sat there eating a cookie chattering away at me. 

Elise and I have two hours, twice a week where it is just her and I. During our time alone we do a lot of reading, snuggling, playing with dollies. It's all very exciting especially when you don't have to worry about sharing!

I kept trying to talk to her while taking this picture, she got very frustrated and told me "shhhhh, baby night!". Which obviously means 'lady be quiet my baby is sleeping'!

The look she gives me when she doesn't like an answer I give her ;)

Week #1

I was looking for a way to make sure I kept my camera out this year. Last year I found that I would go hard, then not touch it for a month. So, I decided that I needed a plan. I looked around at some of the 52 week challenges but was not keen on taking on a theme each week. Instead I am doing my own thing. 

Every week i will be posting either a picture or pictures that show a week in our life. It will definitely be a mix of the good, the bad and the ugly. Hope you are all prepared :)

Week #1....Fun in the snow!

The girls waiting on Lukey to shovel a path. 

Such good buddies. 

Finally in!

“Youth can not know how age thinks and feels. But old men are guilty if they forget what it was to be young.” 
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Some Might Call it Magic...

For the last month our house has been filled with a magic so powerful and real that it has cracked me open. I only wish that everyone could feel this magic just once in their life time.  Each day I watch my little family become further encased in this shimmery magic. 

I say magic because no other word does it justice. Yes it just so happens that we are in the Christmas season and I could give the blame to it, but I won't. I won't let Christmas take all the credit because then it will steal the magic away as we drift into January. 

The coolest part of this magic is that it has manifested itself in each of us differently. 

I have watched Elise absolutely come to life this season. She has beamed with the knowledge that she is capable of doing all the things the 'big kids' do. I watched her intently decide where to let gobs of icing stick to an ice cream cone so she could perfectly place candy as decoration, creating a perfect Christmas tree.  Every morning she wandered our house with such purpose just to be the first to spot Chocolates (our elf).  Each time she finished a new task her face and body took on an air of "i did that, I am so proud of myself".  She's also become so soft, Ben calls it "fuzzy". She has a new tenderness to her that was once kept for only Ben, Aubrey and me. That is something we weren't sure would happen any time soon! 

Aubrey has fallen so far into this magic I don't think we can ever get her back.  Her imagination has run wild.  I have witnessed scenes from musicals, christmas carols strung together to make one very interesting song, and new worlds come to life that I never knew existed!  She's also been very curious about the story of Jesus.  Many questions have been asked and answers have been given to the best of our ability. 

Together the girls have become this amazing duo.  I honestly have lost count of how many times I have turned around to catch Elise walking up to hug Aubs, or Aubrey leading Elise into some imaginary world. I looked up from a book one day to see Aubrey reading her own book with Elise leaning against her shoulder listening in. Their love for each other completely melts me. 

The girls have also been sure to take great advantage of the fact Ben is home.  Ben has been a great participant in fierce games of hide-and-seek, grocery store, dolls, candy land, and my list could go on and on.  The best part about it, Ben loves every second.

As we head into this new year I am so thankful this magic found us. I couldn't imagine beginning a new year any other way. 

Bedtime Prayer

Ben and I long ago established a pretty solid bedtime routine with the girls. It's rare we stray very much from it. It usually starts with a bath, then teeth brushed, stories, prayers, and hugs and kisses goodnight.  I have also gotten into the habit of having conversation with Aubrey especially since she is older.  Often it's her telling me what she was most grateful for that day, or sometimes I will describe a moment in the day where she did something I was really proud of.  Tonight's bedtime routine brought quick tears to my eyes. 

I sat on her bed listening and watching as Ben and Aubrey began creating an elaborate story about a pink Unicorn and a flower, Elise lay on my shoulder watching the action.  Eventually the story shifted, Ben began to make up a story that essentially told her about the 'Angel Tree' up at BDSS.  

When Ben finished the story I lay down next to Aubrey and began to explain that the Angel Tree her Dad talked about in the story was real. And that there are people all over the world who sometimes don't have the extra money to be able to do Christmas, and explained in depth that there are always many reasons why. I explained that we could go and choose Angels off the tree and help to buy presents so they could enjoy Christmas just like we get to.  I also explained that people don't always have an easy time buying food, going on to describe our food bank and how it works. 

I wasn't real sure she actually understood much of what I said. She seemed a bit glazed over and not in the moment with me. So, i moved us along to prayers. Aubrey has taken a liking to starting the prayer and has me finish it up. I asked her if she would like to start tonight, she quickly said yes and that she would like me to finish it. 

She wasted no time diving into her prayer.  I waited for the usual, normally it's talking about how she is thankful for a princess, or certain toy, or something we did that day. Tonight her prayer went like this - " Dear God, sometimes there is people who can't buy things for Christmas and Food. Please help Mommy, Daddy, Liser and Me figure out a way to buy them presents and food."

I love her too much. 

First Days

My house feels quiet. Which is ridiculous because I can hear Elise smashing toys about as she plays in the little wooden kitchen.  But it feels quiet. 

Today I dropped Aubrey off at her first day of pre-school.  Now I know this should not really feel like a big day, but I am kind of sad.  Yes it's only two hours, yes it's only two days a week, but it's the beginning of her being gone all day, five days a week.  It all feels too close. If I could just push it away for just a bit longer. Keep her naive and carefree just a bit longer.  

I feel most sad for what I know will come.  The things that seem inevitable. Things that will shape her that are out of my control.  I know the best I can do is be ready, ready to teach her how to respond, how to cope, how to stay light hearted and joyous. 

So, today a letter for my girl.

Aubrey,

Today you start pre-school. It's a big day. One that you are so ready for. You have felt ready for school the last year.  You were so excited this morning, even made your Dad play school all morning until it was time to go. 

You worried for your Mamma, asked me quite a few times if I was sad.  I explained multiple times, that I was sad but sometimes it's ok to be sad. 

I want you to remember that there are so many exciting things about school.  But also that there will be challenges.  There will be times that another kid is not so nice. But remember there are times you can be not so nice. This doesn't mean that they, or you, are a bad person. Give second chances, give third chances. I think being giving is the most important thing to remember.  

Love you to the most,

Mom

P.S. Remember that even if none of the other kids do, it's ok to break out into song whenever you feel like!

Hello 29...

Well tomorrow is 'The Big Day' *insert scary music* I turn 29.  Feel free to shower me with champagne and gifts, it's my champagne Birthday 29 on the 29th.  I'm heading into the Birthday with a real mix of emotions. A) Holy Mother of Pearl this is my last year in my 20's, didn't I just turn 21?  B) It's all downhill from here, instead of champagne send your best wrinkle cream C) I still got one more year before I'm old like my sisters. 

First a little lead up to the Birthday day.  This week began with an awesome fight between Ben and I.  See he thought i didn't want to do anything for my Birthday. Like nothing. Nada. Zip.  You know because most people like to just sit around twiddling their thumbs.  Actually I don't call them fights anymore, we had a 'miscommunication'.  

Anyway it got sorted. I think. If you drive by my house tomorrow and you see me staring longingly out my window, please save me. 

Next I am working on a project. Sorta, kinda, only sorta because I hate committing to things in fear I won't follow through. I will have more on this project soon. 

Lastly, this last year has been the most challenging year I have ever faced. Dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety is a world that is so up and down. I have been blessed with an amazing support system in my husband and family, without them I'm not entirely sure how I would have gotten through the year. My girls have yet again succeeded in teaching me more life lessons in one year than you would ever dream possible. I am excited to see what this next year will hold for me. 

Happy 3rd Birthday

Dear Aubrey

No one can prepare you for the day you become a parent. People throw all kinds of advice at you, but it doesn't matter. No person is ever prepared for that moment when another life, one you created and nurtured with every breath of every day, is laid upon you for the first time.  I remember being so overcome, almost like I was watching someone else.  

While I was pregnant with you I talked to you a lot. Almost always these conversations happened in my head. When you were born it felt like we were still connected in the same way. It's a bit unexplainable but I pray there is a day my words won't be needed and you will know this feeling on your own.  

Watching you grow for three years now has been without question the most inspiringly beautiful thing I have ever seen.  Everyday you teach me why we are here. I see the way you love without question. You have a quiet way of making almost anyone feel like they are connected to this world and loved so wholly.  I hope you never stop.

Your imagination is so wild and overgrown that I sometimes wonder if we really do have unicorns in our house.  Your enthusiasm easily matches your daddy's, and that's saying something!   Your smile brings an ease and comfort to any situation. 

Happy 3rd Birthday.

Love you to the most. 

Mom  

To Drain or not to drain?

Aubrey is absolutely convinced that anything can go down the drain, no matter it's size, including a human.  When I am home alone with the girls the routine is that I get Aubs out first dress her while sitting beside the tub, then take Elise out. See Elise has to go second or she has a fear she might miss out on something and throws an enormous fit. 

The last couple of weeks Aubrey panics that we won't get Elise out of the tub fast enough and she is going to head down the drain with the water.  Here is my predicament - The good mom would calm her child and reassure her this is not possible and maybe talk through the physics of this….then the other EQUALLY as good Mom has a little fun.  It took me a week to decide which I wanted to proceed with. 

So, two nights ago this happened again. I was tired and have been alone for a few days so wasn't really on my best game. I did hesitate though…Here is our conversation

Best Sisters

Aubrey :  (she does this nervous laugh/cry thing and talks really fast when concerned about something ) Ahhh..hahaha…Mom…ahh…Get Eliser outta the tub…

Me: (stare blankly deciding what to do)

Aubrey:  (panicky laugh is increasing) Mom..Get Liser out now…Hahah..she's ah gonna go down the drain…

Me: (Looks over at the tub, eyes widen) OH NO she is going down the drain (Mock putting my arms out to save her)…Liser don't go ….nooooo

Aubrey: MOM!! NOT MY LISER, I LOVE MY LISER!! I NEEEEED HER!

Dammit!  She goes straight for the heart and says something cute and kind, now I feel bad. I quickly grabbed Elise and became the hero of the story. 

The Fairy Who Couldn't Fly

This fall Aubrey will start preschool.  She is beyond excited, nearly everyday she asks if it is finally time to go to school.  When I explain that it is not quite time yet she grabs her ‘packpack’ and pretends to go anyways.   The conversations and play that ensues is inspiring. 

A few days ago I was working away in the kitchen preparing what was sure to be a gourmet meal,  when I heard soft whimpering behind me. I turned around to see Aubrey with her shoulders hunched slowly shuffling into the kitchen. She looked devastated. I noticed she had a set of thin sparkly fairy wings strapped to her back, “Aubs whats wrong Hon?” .  She looked up with big watery eyes and in the quietest voice cried out “Mom….I can’t fly…”

I held in my laughter realizing this was something she was truly sad about.  I smiled a little and asked “Love show me what you mean”. With her head still hung low she began to hop on one foot “See Mom I just can’t do it!”  Remembering that this is a child with a great imagination I jumped into action explaining I was about to sprinkle some pixie dust on her head, everyone knows pixie dust works, so I sprinkled away.

For the first time she looked up, slowly shook her head at me while saying “Mom that’s just not going to work…” . Then she proceeded to walk away from me shaking her head.

It made me think of her heading to school and how it seems with every year kids lose their sense of wonder, their sense of imagination and creativity.  Other kids begin to tell them what is and isn’t real.  All I can think of now is how do I stop the little fairy in my kitchen from disappearing.  How do I, only one voice, continue to remind her she can do and be anything?  

Aha Moment

I had an 'Aha' moment the last weekend. It actually kind of crushed me a tiny bit.  But I am so glad that I have solid proof of where changes need to be made!

First, I have been thinking about self esteem for quite some time. Watching as my niece and nephews are edging their way into that adolescent zone.  I think I became so much more aware after having two girls and recalling my own experience. I remember the year I headed into grade 7 I suddenly had a chest. Grade 6 there was nothing, summer came and so did boobs.  I was SO self conscious. None of the other girls had grown a full chest over the summer and it felt wrong to me to be different. To stand out. I just had no understanding and the confidence to say "I love this new body".

Anyways. It got me trying to remember when it happens. When does that moment happen that you start to hate your own body. I watch Aubrey and Elise they have zero concept of body hate. Aubrey tells us all the time how she feels and looks beautiful, not in a vain way but in that little girl way where they are so excited to feel that way. And the believe it, they believe it with all their heart. And Aubrey looks at me all the time and tells me "Mom you look like a princess" or "Mom you looks so beautiful".  I have fought to roll my eyes in response and attempted to beat the thoughts out of my head that this kid is on crack. 

I want to be that little girl again who simply thinks everyone is beautiful.  Seriously how different our world could be. Think about it!

Back to my 'Aha' moment.  Last weekend I was laying in bed with the two girls reading our ritual bedtime story. Ben took out his phone and started taking pictures of the three of us together. And instead of looking at the picture as a precious memory of that moment in time, a moment that will eventually feel like a flicker of time, I flipped through them, stopping long enough to say "I look terrible!"  Aubrey asked if she could look at the pictures. I watched her study it for a few seconds then shake her head and say "I look terrible"….gutted.  

That right there is where it starts. 

So, I have made a vow to never say a bad thing about my body again. Not even a just in front of the kids promise. I mean never. It's a process, i have had to fight hard multiple times already to not say something.  So pray for me that I have the strength to keep it up…

Hide and Seek...Please don't seek!

I’m sitting in a way too busy coffee shop thinking of writing this really nice touching blog about how it’s been a year since I started writing. A year since PPD and anxiety crept into my life and got comfy.  Instead….I am going to write about hiding from my kids. 

Elise has been sleeping like a dream for about a month…only the worst kind of dream!! Seriously it’s so bad that even Ben is tired. He never gets tired…or he hides it super well.  Last week I lay in bed listening to Ben prepare breakfast for everyone, it was clear he was struggling. Elise was screaming, Aubrey was filling him in on something that she obviously thought he was not knowledgeable in.  So obviously being the good wife I am I got out and saved the day. WRONG! I rolled over fished my phone off the floor and texted Ben “Is it bad if I don’t want to come out so I don’t have to be around our kids?” Weird it took awhile for his response, I kinda started to worry he was thinking of starting the van up to take me to the crazy house (only to realize we lived there).  A simple  “NO” came through.  

The Tyrant

Luckily for me I have the world’s best husband, today anyways. He arranged for Aubs and I to hide out and re-sleep train The Tyrant.  I literally hid from her. I can’t handle sleep training. It’s the only parenting thing I super hate.  I can listen to her cry at night for about 10 minutes then I am in there like a dirty shirt ( I don’t really get that saying).  

Ben was a champ. After the first brutal night I swept in that morning and snuggled the heck out of her, until she pushed me away because clearly she has more important things to do like play with the handle on the window.   

Now after two nights I think we broke her. Only she one upped us. Now she would much prefer we don’t hold her while she falls asleep. Its like she knew that was the one last thing of her babyhood we liked. It was like a “eff you” if you won’t hold me all night then you get NOTHING!!

Well played E, well played. 

* Please remember to click the smiley little lady up in the top corner :)

50 Years

First, last week there was a lot of sadness and tragedy in our world.  If you really let yourself look in depth it can feel like our entire world is nothing but tragedy.  It's true there is so much that needs to change. So much that if you allow yourself to think about it it might just consume you whole. 

Last week one comment that really stuck with me was "It makes me sick to think of the world my children and their children will have to grow up in…"  There were many different variations of this statement.  This comment kind of stopped me in my tracks. 

First I was a bit embarrassed by myself because I have thought this exact same thing. Even had a bit of anxiety over it. Why was I embarrassed?

Well, the way I see it is (god willing) I have at least a good solid 50-70 years left on my life.  To be conservative let's go with 50.   Am I really going to sit back for the next 50 years and say "too bad this world my kids are growing up in sucks so much!"?   Am I going to passively sit around and hope someone else picks up the pieces of our community, school, world etc.   Or just already give up?! 

Honestly this thought never occurred to me until this week.   

Then it made me realize I am really not OK with sitting around for another 50 years feeling sick about our world and my poor children. Instead I want to make a difference. I want to work the next 50 years trying to leave our world in a better space.  I also don't want to raise my kids as a victim of our environment. Poor them. Pfftt. I want them to get their hands dirty. Be apart of transforming this world into something amazing. 

Maybe, just maybe if they are a part of it they will take pride in it. They will nurture it, tend to it with a gentle hands, embrace it with a loving heart, look at it with compassionate eyes.  I like to try and imagine a world like that.  Try it. It's a pretty cool looking place. 

Dream Big, Right?

I don’t know the first time I  felt the pull.  I know it was sometime in high school.  Grade 10 seems like the right number.   Probably because that is the time when you start to become a little more serious about, the terrifying, ‘what do I want to be’ thought.

I had big ideas. Ones that always felt too big for a girl from a town of 800 people.  Things that felt so largely beyond me that I simply daydreamed and moved on. Just to name a few, I wanted to make a film any kind of film, maybe a documentary. Heck that one is still on my list!  I wanted to be a mom, check. I wanted to be far far away, sorta check I lived in Halifax.  I wanted to be a healer of some sorts. Yeah I said healer mostly because that could mean so many things. 

One of the biggest things that has always and will always sit on my plate is to change the world.  Yeah big statement, one person.  I get the absurdity of it. I also feel creatively charged by the thought. Maybe its as simple as parenting my kids in a way that creates people who will one day actually take care of our people and planet.  Maybe it’s helping to make sure my community thrives. Maybe it’s helping another mom out there realize…well, she’s normal.  Maybe it’s building a school in a foreign country.  All I know is things like this are on my mind every.single. day.

Which brings me to my exciting opportunity. I was lucky enough to notice that TOMS was having a contest.  You could enter a ticket, one ticket. One that could change your life. This ticket, should you be in the top 50, will take you on a ‘Giving Trip’.  A trip where TOMS actually delivers and fits shoes onto children.   Amazing right.  Well I need help. I need one vote from everyone. You can only vote once. All it takes is a minute to put in one vote for my ticket.

Here is a link to go ahead and help create the beginning of a dream for me.
http://www.toms.com/ticket-to-give/flags/4350

Raising a Parrot

You never realize how often you use a phrase, or word, until you have a toddler who mimics everything and anything. Aubrey has forever been a really big talker. She uses words beyond her years often making her sound like she is a little old lady. 

My family will often tell me of a conversation they had with her and ask "Where did she even learn something like that?".  I am often baffled. 

Recently I started paying attention to how we talk around her. It is like her mind has recorded everything I have ever said to her and she replays it, crazily at the appropriate times.  This can be a good thing (she has really nice manners) or it can be...less desirable. 

*Special note- if you ever hear a swear come from her feel free to thank Aunty Ang and Aunty Sarah for the language lesson. 

In the last month I have been trying to correct her from saying "Huh?".  It was driving me nuts. I would say something to her and she would say "Huh" four times before finally responding to me. I explained to her it's not a great word to use and instead she should say "Pardon me".  

Sadly I quickly realized Ben and I constantly say 'Huh' to each other. And trying to correct that feels like what a smoker trying to quit must feel like.  A few weeks have passed since I started this mission with Aubrey and we have gotten a few less "Huh's" and more "Mom I says pardon."