Week #7 Family Day Weekend

We were really lucky to get to have an entire Family Day weekend all together. It included swimming, pizza, movies, walks, adventures to find unicorns, magical fairies and butterflies (all were found but the butterflies).

Searching for the Unicorns, Fairies and Butterflies

I also had a little 'aha moment'. One of those times your kids stop you in your tracks and make you instantly analyze what you just did or are about to do.

Ben has not been feeling well so we popped him into a walk-in clinic. When Ben was called in the girls and I hung out in the waiting room. They were hopping between chairs and generally having a good time. Shortly after Ben left us a man walked out of a room from just being seen.  Aubrey looked him up and down as he walked past us, then asked "Mom why is he wearing pyjama pants?".

Elise believes in Jammie days, and wearing 5 pairs of undies on top.

Not wanting the man to be embarrassed, I instantly started to say "shhh" but barely got the sound out of my mouth before I stopped. I knew if i told her to shh, she would instantly ask why she should. . When I thought about how I would answer I didn't have a good enough answer to continue. I also thought if I say that would it have more impact on the man, maybe he would think I thought it was a shameful thing. I looked at her and replied "Well I don't really know why, but if I were to guess I bet it's because he is sick and just wants to be comfy.". Satisfied with my answer she went back to playing with Elise.

I was left to think of the impact me telling her to shh could have had. Would it have made her think it was a bad thing to wear comfortable clothing? That the man should be embarrassed?  Would it have produce a seed of judgment inside her for later years?

The rest of the weekend was much less eventful, unless you count the unicorn/fairy hunting.

I think she spotted a unicorn!

Hello 29...

Well tomorrow is 'The Big Day' *insert scary music* I turn 29.  Feel free to shower me with champagne and gifts, it's my champagne Birthday 29 on the 29th.  I'm heading into the Birthday with a real mix of emotions. A) Holy Mother of Pearl this is my last year in my 20's, didn't I just turn 21?  B) It's all downhill from here, instead of champagne send your best wrinkle cream C) I still got one more year before I'm old like my sisters. 

First a little lead up to the Birthday day.  This week began with an awesome fight between Ben and I.  See he thought i didn't want to do anything for my Birthday. Like nothing. Nada. Zip.  You know because most people like to just sit around twiddling their thumbs.  Actually I don't call them fights anymore, we had a 'miscommunication'.  

Anyway it got sorted. I think. If you drive by my house tomorrow and you see me staring longingly out my window, please save me. 

Next I am working on a project. Sorta, kinda, only sorta because I hate committing to things in fear I won't follow through. I will have more on this project soon. 

Lastly, this last year has been the most challenging year I have ever faced. Dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety is a world that is so up and down. I have been blessed with an amazing support system in my husband and family, without them I'm not entirely sure how I would have gotten through the year. My girls have yet again succeeded in teaching me more life lessons in one year than you would ever dream possible. I am excited to see what this next year will hold for me. 

Am I crazy?

I have been putting a lot of thought into why I chose to talk more about my anxiety. About why I thought it was important to talk about it. You see I don't know if anyone else is like me, i mean anyone else who maybe has anxiety or depression.  But I have some thoughts. 

See I am not being open in hopes of receiving sympathy from people who read this. Or to in turn be treated differently. In fact I hope most people who know me can just look at me and see me, as me.  I actually kind of despise the thought of people thinking just because I have anxiety I should be treated carefully and tip toed around.  

For me I choose to speak about it simply so that the person on the other side of the screen rabidly searching the internet to find out if they are 'normal' will stumble upon me and realize that it is so normal to go through this. Yeah you may need therapy, or whatever your choice of action is, but it really doesn't change anything else.  It doesn't make you a sudden outcast to have a mental health problem.  *Side note I really hate the term 'Mental Health' i think they should start calling it 'Normal people with sorta normal more common than you know problems'.  See I am not a victim to my problem, it is what it is.  All you lucky people who read this just get to hear the awesomeness of what can go through my head in a moment of anxiousness. 

I am a part of this really amazing Mom's group that is online, seriously it's awesome.  Anyway something stuck out for me recently.  I woman who is expecting again asked if there was such a thing as pre-natal depression, and went on to explain how she had been feeling lately.  A lot of women jumped on to support her in telling her how they were there for her, that it's just normal pregnancy stuff etc.  Which sometimes it can be.  I reached out to her to explain it happens and I went through it. We had a few minor exchanges that hopefully left the channel of communication open for her.

The thing that stuck out for me was - why when someone is reaching out do we feel the need to tell them everything is ok, and yep its just normal pregnancy?  Because we don't want them to feel bad?  Because we don't know how to deal with it if it is real? Does it mean now that that person is friggin crazy?!  

My hope is that one day when someone reaches out and says "I think something isn't right"  it can be addressed.  LIke for real looked at. No i don't mean instantly send you to a shrink. I mean like have a real conversation, ask more questions, listen to the person (like truly listen) and be a support that is going to make it seem like this is as common as a flu bug that just made it's rounds.  I hope that it can just be a normal thing, that you can talk about it like you would any other issue. I think it'll happen. 

50 Years

First, last week there was a lot of sadness and tragedy in our world.  If you really let yourself look in depth it can feel like our entire world is nothing but tragedy.  It's true there is so much that needs to change. So much that if you allow yourself to think about it it might just consume you whole. 

Last week one comment that really stuck with me was "It makes me sick to think of the world my children and their children will have to grow up in…"  There were many different variations of this statement.  This comment kind of stopped me in my tracks. 

First I was a bit embarrassed by myself because I have thought this exact same thing. Even had a bit of anxiety over it. Why was I embarrassed?

Well, the way I see it is (god willing) I have at least a good solid 50-70 years left on my life.  To be conservative let's go with 50.   Am I really going to sit back for the next 50 years and say "too bad this world my kids are growing up in sucks so much!"?   Am I going to passively sit around and hope someone else picks up the pieces of our community, school, world etc.   Or just already give up?! 

Honestly this thought never occurred to me until this week.   

Then it made me realize I am really not OK with sitting around for another 50 years feeling sick about our world and my poor children. Instead I want to make a difference. I want to work the next 50 years trying to leave our world in a better space.  I also don't want to raise my kids as a victim of our environment. Poor them. Pfftt. I want them to get their hands dirty. Be apart of transforming this world into something amazing. 

Maybe, just maybe if they are a part of it they will take pride in it. They will nurture it, tend to it with a gentle hands, embrace it with a loving heart, look at it with compassionate eyes.  I like to try and imagine a world like that.  Try it. It's a pretty cool looking place. 

Stripes

I have to be really careful around Aubs. She is really intuitive. She quickly senses any
shift in the energy of a room, around a person you name it. Today was an off day for
me. The girls had a brutal night and Elise is in high teething mode making for one
heck of a needy babe through out the day.

As the day went on Aubrey was really good. She played with a friend through the
morning while I was in a meeting, then she played happily on her own through
a good chunk of the afternoon. I layed down on the floor at one point with both
girls circling around me playing. Only to have Aubrey stop and start up a …touchy
subject.

When I got on the floor my shirt had slipped up just slightly, but I never noticed.
Aubrey stopped in her tracks knelt down beside me and gently touched my stomach.
You see mine looks different then hers, mine has marks. Right now I am mentally
hitting my head on a wall, like I really want to think about friggin stretch marks.

As she did this she said “Momma it’s ok you just have stripes” she stopped kissed my
stomach then said “You’re gonna be ok!” then sat and waited for my response.

You know I have read all the different posts on blogs and pinterest, facebook you
name it, all about how we should accept our stretch marks from childbearing,
embrace them even. I’ve tried, like really hard. But I hate them.

I love that I was able to carry my children into this world and that they are two
healthy little girls. I love that I got to feel what it’s like to have a little foot kick you
from the inside. I feel incredibly blessed to have had all the experiences that come
with being pregnant and the end result of my amazing children.

But, nope, still don’t like the stretch marks.

Although I will say I have come to terms with them. I accept that they are there and
just a part of my body now. So in response to Aubrey’s kind words I went on to
explain to her how I got them. I told her a story all about how her and Elise got to
spend some intimate time inside my belly and that it needed to grow to make room
for them, which then left me with some stripes.

She lifted her shirt looked from her belly to mine then said “WELL…we both have
belly buttons Mom!” That we do Aubs, that we do!

Dream Big, Right?

I don’t know the first time I  felt the pull.  I know it was sometime in high school.  Grade 10 seems like the right number.   Probably because that is the time when you start to become a little more serious about, the terrifying, ‘what do I want to be’ thought.

I had big ideas. Ones that always felt too big for a girl from a town of 800 people.  Things that felt so largely beyond me that I simply daydreamed and moved on. Just to name a few, I wanted to make a film any kind of film, maybe a documentary. Heck that one is still on my list!  I wanted to be a mom, check. I wanted to be far far away, sorta check I lived in Halifax.  I wanted to be a healer of some sorts. Yeah I said healer mostly because that could mean so many things. 

One of the biggest things that has always and will always sit on my plate is to change the world.  Yeah big statement, one person.  I get the absurdity of it. I also feel creatively charged by the thought. Maybe its as simple as parenting my kids in a way that creates people who will one day actually take care of our people and planet.  Maybe it’s helping to make sure my community thrives. Maybe it’s helping another mom out there realize…well, she’s normal.  Maybe it’s building a school in a foreign country.  All I know is things like this are on my mind every.single. day.

Which brings me to my exciting opportunity. I was lucky enough to notice that TOMS was having a contest.  You could enter a ticket, one ticket. One that could change your life. This ticket, should you be in the top 50, will take you on a ‘Giving Trip’.  A trip where TOMS actually delivers and fits shoes onto children.   Amazing right.  Well I need help. I need one vote from everyone. You can only vote once. All it takes is a minute to put in one vote for my ticket.

Here is a link to go ahead and help create the beginning of a dream for me.
http://www.toms.com/ticket-to-give/flags/4350

Resolutions

I have never been much of a New Years resolution kind of a girl. I have been quite against them.  I generally think it's like setting yourself up for failure.  So many people make these grand statements and it so rarely sticks. Although (hangs head) I will admit that I have had the odd year where on like December 28th I will make some resolutions. You know because then it's not technically a New Years thing. It was a goal set on just a random day, obviously making it more likely to be achieved. 

This has not worked…ever…

But this year I feel a bit of an urge to make some goals for myself. I feel really excited and energized heading into a new year. I have so many new things on the go, I have two amazing girlies, a great husband and just all around feeling pretty good about where we are at.  Sure I would love to one day sleep again (that's another blog for another day) but all in all we are doing pretty fantastic. 

One of the biggest things I really want to do is put in more time to the things I love. Photography and writing being at the top of the list (after time with my kids, obviously).  Mostly I realized while really struggling through PPD that I never felt like I hit my stride on my own. I fell easily into being a mom and love the job. But through my teens and young 20's I feel like I wasted a lot of time. I never threw myself into anything. And since becoming a Mom I haven't had a whole lot of time to do it.  I realized this Christmas was my 4th in a row either being pregnant or nursing.  

So, come the end of January I will be done nursing Elise and I am quite excited at some of the time that will open up. It will allow for me to do a lot more in the evenings (with Ben's help).  This break is also a test to see if I get to the point of feeling really ready for baby #3. Ben was ready like three days after Elise was born (ok maybe not quite that fast).  

Anyways I am rambling. I wish you all a very Happy New Year. And encourage you to make some resolutions…just not on the 31st those ones are doomed to fail. Make them on, like, the 2nd!

A time for prayers

Not unlike everyone else I have been so heartbroken for the all the people involved in the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary school. I can't even fathom what kind of emotion the people who lost family members must being going through. And in blunt honesty I try not to let myself imagine, I fear just being completely swallowed by a tragedy so enormous.  Reading different articles, seeing Facebook posts, and a quick 10 minute run of the news has got me thinking of so many things.

One big thing being - How do we put a stop to such mass violence? What an overwhelming question. I honestly don't know how any person could possibly answer that. Or where you could begin to truly make an impact. Where is the starting point?

This came across my screen tonight a statement from Morgan Freeman-

“You want to know why {these shootings keep happening}. This may sound cynical, but here’s why.It’s because of the way the media reports it. Flip on the news and watch how we treat the Batman theater shooter and the Oregon mall shooter like celebrities. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris are household names, but do you know the name of a single victim of Columbine? Disturbed people who would otherwise just off themselves in their basements see the news and want to top it by doing something worse, and going out in a memorable way. Why a grade school? Why children? Because he’ll be remembered as a horrible monster, instead of a sad nobody.
CNN’s article says that if the body count “holds up”, this will rank as the second deadliest shooting behind Virginia Tech, as if statistics somehow make one shooting worse than another. Then they post a video interview of third-graders for all the details of what they saw and heard while the shootings were happening. Fox News has plastered the killer’s face on all their reports for hours. Any articles or news stories yet that focus on the victims and ignore the killer’s identity? None that I've seen yet. Because they don’t sell. So congratulations, sensationalist media, you've just lit the fire for someone to top this and knock off a day care center or a maternity ward next.
You can help by forgetting you ever read this man's name, and remembering the name of at least one victim. You can help by donating to mental health research instead of pointing to gun control as the problem. You can help by turning off the news."

He really got me thinking. And he is so right in that it is a rare day when past shootings are talked about that you hear much of the victims. The shooters are made into a form of celebrity.

One of the other things that I really thought about today was the enormous impact this would have on the shooters family as well. In honesty I don't think I had ever thought too much about a shooters family before and how heartbreaking this would be for them to have to live through the pain of his acts.  I was blown away to see one of the victims fathers say in reference to the shooters family "I can't imagine how hard this experience must be for you"

What an amazing thing to say. I was so impacted by the grace of that father.

I find it hard to write the right words to get across what I think or feel, so instead I am stealing someone else's thoughts. These were my Mom's words in response to yesterday.

It is through children’s eyes that we often see ourselves in ways we had not intended. Our responses to conflict and tragedy may be the only tools they have to learn how to live in relationship. Making sense of the tragedy in Connecticut is not possible. My heart aches for the families who lost their precious little ones and I pray that the rest of us honor their lives by living as we were intended to - with love.

Beauty

Very recently I read a blog where the woman described why she chose to start telling her daughters that she was beautiful. Not just them, but she herself was also beautiful.  It really got me thinking. Sometimes thinking can be dangerous and I have yet to decide if this sent me down a dangerous path. 

Her general point in the end was that if she walked around talking about how ugly she was, or how terrible her saggy boobs were, I think you get the point, she realized that it would have an impact on her girls. That children really start out not seeing ugly or pretty. They learn ugly and pretty. And if they think once they hit 'Mom status' and they have saggy boobs would she want them to think they are ugly?

Anyways that was the general point of her post.  Now where this lead me….hang on this could get long! You've been warned!

Since I gave birth to Aubrey I have tried really hard not to say negative things about my body in front of her. I didn't want to have such a negative impact on her. Instead I want her to grow up knowing that even when her body starts to give way to gravity and some spots are softer then they once were, that she is still beautiful. But how can a preach that to her and have her truly truly believe it if I don't myself?  It's not like I waltz around looking at other women who have less then perfect bodies, or bone structure thinking "eeekk the ugly stick really got to work that day!"  I see so many women (a lot who are so close to me) with all different shapes and sizes and truly think they are extremely beautiful. 

Now here is where someone wants to step in and inform me that "beauty is not just about whats on the outside…etc.etc.etc."  Yes I know this, and agree. BUT it doesn't mean I don't vainly look at my body and want this or that to be different. 

Anywho. Then Elise came along. Now I have two little girls and this urge to have this different energy around them as they grow into young girls is really strong.  So that means I have some work to do. And I don't mean just lose the weight I want and sculpt the body I think I want. The mental space, in my opinion, is so much more important. 

So I spent today walking around wondering to myself at what point in my life did I decide my body was ugly? At what point did I decide that there was something wrong with it?  I had a really hard time trying to pinpoint any specific time. I have small memories of things said in school. But I can't even necessarily pin those comments to a face.  But there is one specific thing I remember being so distraught by.  

My sister Sarah and I were always really close growing up.  She bossed me around, we fought, we had fun all the good things sisters do. For many years when we were young a lot of people would ask if we were twins. And me, being the little sister, I really looked up to her. I wanted to be just like her. Anyway I remember that for a long time we wore the exact same size. This always made me happy, I looked at her and saw a skinny little thing that everyone thought was beautiful.  I think when I hit about grade7 (maybe 8) our sizes suddenly shifted. She stayed the same, and I am talking like a 5/6 and I went up to a…..wait for it…7/8!  GASP right!! 

Ok I know that that is laughable, but I only know that NOW!  At that point in time I was totally devastated. I remember being in a change room and realizing it and just melting. 

Looking back, even only as far as when I graduated…I would kill to have that body back.  But isn't that the way of it? When you have this mindset that your body is terrible, it's only when time and the beating you give it make it even worse that you realize what you once had. 

In the months since I have had Elise I have had some changes in the way I view my body. For instance I really quite love the fact I have hips and a more 'woman' shape. I wouldn't want to trade for Sarah's straight up and down boyish shape…sorry Sar…

So there are starting to be small victories in my mentality towards my body. Ya it's slow moving, ya I still have really hard days. But I have also had days where I finish getting ready and can look in the mirror and think "Hey you're not that bad looking!"

Please give that smiley lady up in the corner a click to cast a vote for me! Thanks!

Life Lessons

I write this post as I am currently listening to my baby cry. Why am I writing instead of dealing with her? Because we are trying the Ferber Method. It's terrible….Ok I can't claim it's terrible because this is essentially our first shot at it but I really really struggle with listening to her get wound up when i know I could snuggle her and she would settle in. BUT here is the thing, last night Ben and I took turns getting up every hour with her…EVERY HOUR! Terrible long night! 

My Sweet Little E Bug

My mind skips all over the place on using different 'methods' to get a child to sleep through the night. Part of me knows that a happy healthy child requires really good sleep. Heck a happy healthy Mom requires really good sleep. SO I see the benefit of using methods to get them to learn to sleep on their own. But then this other deeper part of my brain asks "why do we think we constantly need to teach our children (or anyone) that they need to do life on their own?".  Aren't we meant to live in relationship? Aren't we meant to learn from each other and help each other?  I could really go down a long winding path with that one, but not tonight. 

*Note the crying has ceased…small victory…for now…

On the topic of learning from each other, it blows my mind what I learn daily from my girls.  Both of them have been huge teachers for me. Huge!  Recently we have been looking at different options for a new home, and trying to decide what we might want to do and when. After sadly returning to winter from our super sunny vacation I was feeling pouty and whiney about our house. Which is ridiculous because we really do have a great home. Anywho, so I was going on and on about it to Ben when Aubrey finally  rolled over to me (we were all laying on our bed visiting) and says "Momma this is a happy house…"

Forehead slap. 

Takes wise words from a 2 year old to make a 28 year old get a grip.  Honestly she blows me away.  And I swear since then I have had a major turnaround in regards to our home. I view it totally different and keep in mind that it is indeed a 'Happy Home'.  

Happy

Aubrey also likes to do prayers. We generally do a bedtime prayer with her and randomly will say a prayer before a meal (we are not very diligent people).  Last night she grabbed hold of Ben's hand to begin a prayer. It went a little something like this… "Dear God, Thank you for mommy, daddy, Aubrey, food…(looks around the room) ahhh water, Princesses, (looks around again) Pink, and amen."  Seriously why not thank God for Pink?!  But this prayer was not enough she grabbed Bens hand one more time and continued " Dear God, thank you for family, food, coffee, stickers and stones….amen"  

So, now I walk around thankful for my happy home, princesses, pink and coffee. The stickers annoy me I end up with one on the bottom of my foot daily I refuse to be thankful for them. 

Falling in Love

I think there are specific moments where we fall in love with our children.  Obviously when they are born there is an immediate love you have for them it's a special moment. But, I also think that that initial love is a foundation. One that gets strengthened and built on through these other moments I'm talking about. I love these moments. And for each girl I really quite vividly remember a lot of them.  Some were repetitive moments things that happened daily even.  I have always wondered what other women's 'moments' are with their children. 

My Favorite Aubrey moment-  I vividly remember one of the first nights that I was up in the middle of the night nursing Aubrey. She was not a great nurser. In fact I was usually in tears while nursing because it hurt so bad, for about 4 weeks.  But I remember one night she had actually latched really well and nurse just as well. Afterwards I propped her up on my shoulder and her head gently nestled into the curve of my neck and shoulder. When I tilted my head just so it hugged her head and aloud me to breathe her in. I will never forget those moments. I often wish I had gotten Ben to take pictures of her and I like this, I even recall a few times almost calling him into the room and asking but then I never wanted and intruder. It would not have been the same. Instead I have locked that memory into my soul as tightly as one can.  Luckily she still likes to lay up on my shoulder like this and I still love it.   I have loads of 'moments' with Aubs but I would have to write a novel to tell them all. They also happen daily and I choose to believe will happen the rest of our lives. 

My Favorite Elise moment-  E is such a different baby then Aubs. Which I love that they are. I remember looking forward to her nestling into my neck like Aubrey did, but she actually never does. Even though Elise is only 4.5 months old I have a lot of moments with her I actually am having a hard time picking just one favourite.  But I think I am going to have to go with the way she loves her momma. She is a total mommy's girl. We can be in a room full of people and she locks eyes with me and will smile and tell the biggest stories. I have been in stores, around family members, anywhere really where she gets locked in like this and someone else will try and come into the conversation most of the time she completely ignores the other person she is so intent in just her and I.  Other times she will give the other person a quick side glance and her brows will scrunch just slightly like she's saying "can't you tell I am busy here".  I love my talks with her. 

I have to add one more favourite to Elise. She LOVES to hold hands. While she nurses, when we are in a car, laying on the floor, tub time, anywhere really she wants to hold hands. 

This week was a rough week with my girls. Both were whiny and miserable a good chunk of the time. But then these moments would happen and when they happen, I just fall in love with them even harder.  

Big Steps

Yesterday I made a really big step forward for myself. Now to most it would seem little, maybe not even on their radar as a movement at all.  But to me, and my usual patterns in life, it was an awesome step!

See like I have mentioned in a previous post, I spent a good chunk of my years paralyzed. Paralyzed to do anything!  I would come up with ideas of jobs, vacations, items I wanted to buy and then stop. I just couldn’t commit. It depended on the circumstances each time as to what would stop me. But a lot of the time it was simply fear.

Fear is like the enemy of the world. Fear causes way more issues then it ever should be allowed. See it feeds on itself. Once it wins once, it becomes more powerful.  Fear had been feeding off me for a long time. Longer then I care to admit.

About 4 years ago shortly after Ben and I started dating we moved to Halifax. I worked from home so this was an easy move for me. But I got bored. I needed time out of the apartment. So he suggested I take his camera out for a walk. I quickly fell in love. I never thought I would like photography all that much.  Ben taught me a few basics and I worked at it for months. Then we moved home and I kind of stopped.

Insert fear. You see I had family members who were already amazing photographers we didn’t need another one in the family. Honestly I used that as an excuse! The worst part is my family is so huge that if I continued down that path I would never find something I loved that no one else was doing *insert head smash on wall.

Then Ben came to the rescue again, such a knight in shining armor he is, and bought me my own camera as a wedding present!

I took hundreds of pictures and barely ever showed anyone anything.  Then I had kids. My love of photography increased ten fold.  I took a weekend course that gave me some basics about shooting in manual and I have practiced and practiced more.

Since having Elise I really realized it was something that as the girls got older I would really love to do.  But that would mean I would have to commit. And even worse, like tell people I was doing it…

One of my favorites!

So back to the big step. I finally asked a friend of mine if she would be up for coming out with me to practice.  I came home from shooting her and was totally exhilarated. I loved every second of it. We had so much fun together. And it felt so good to do something creative.  I had not felt that good about something I had done in a long time.  Anyone else out there take a big step this week?

Oh and remember that guy Fear, he came home a little deflated and feeling sorry for himself…

Shame

Since I started this blog I have had some major transformations. Especially recently.  My life really will never be the same.  About 85% maybe 86 (haha) came about form a course I took this last weekend. I know what you are thinking right now “Kelly a friggin course ain’t gonna create lasting change!” But it has transformed me and already has created so many new possibilities for me.  I will write about this course another time when I have more words for it. Right now my head can’t get a grasp on enough words to explain it.

Now on to this post, and my point.  Things are falling in my lap these days. I am finding talks, quotes, stories, movies etc that really line up with the things I have been thinking or learned.  I recently watched a TED talk that really helped explain what I am talking about in this post. Have I annoyed enough of you yet by dancing around my point? Sorry, let’s move on to it.

When I initially started writing my blog I only sent the posts to my Mom and Ben. I made them swear up and down that only they would be the ones reading.  Somewhere deep down this wasn’t sitting well with me.  I knew I needed to go further. So, I told my mom she could email it to a few select people. BUT this came with the condition she was to tell these people NOT to talk to me.  Seriously just typing that I cringe how ridiculous. They were allowed to email me. Some people did others simply chose to say nothing. 

This went on for a little while. Still it was not sitting right with me. What was the point in bleeding out my whole self if I wasn’t going to own it completely?

The day my Mom pressed that little blue button with an ‘F’ on it that sent my words out into the big bad world of Facebook I almost died.  My breathing shortened, my heart quickened, and I paced my house. I couldn’t find enough things that kept me busy and away from a computer or my phone.  Then it happened. I took a look at my page views for the day. THEN I really wanted to die. They had gone up, they went from like 10 views a day to 700.  I closed the computer screen and waited for the panic attack I was sure would consume my every cell.

Something funny happened in place of a panic attack. I was free.

I tried that on.  It kinda felt good. But why?  It nagged at me for days. Why would sharing my most shameful thoughts and being feel freeing and, well good?

Then I went to this course on the weekend and I realized why. Choosing to be authentic and let people into my life and know the truth was the most freeing thing a person can do.  I had spent months letting people think things were perfect. That I had no struggles. Do you know how exhausting that is?  Did you know that it causes even more misery?  But that day, the day I chose to share with a wider audience I was free from my pains.

And on top of it people have been amazing! I have received so many kind words. 

Then something else happened. People started telling me their story. I quickly realized I was not unique.  In hearing more stories I became relieved. It released even more of the pains and darkness. It let in new light.

Something nagged at me though. Why don’t we share with each other more? I still don’t think I have a definite answer, but I think I have a few thoughts that are starting to come together.

I realized that I was so ashamed of myself for having struggled at a time that should have been the happiest time of my life. I was ashamed of what others would think of me. BiNGO! Why would I let shame and the thoughts of what others think of me control my life?  Because I didn’t want anyone to think less of me, I never wanted anyone to think I was a bad person. Really in short I wanted to look good.

The cost of looking good was absolute misery. I actually realized I spent a good portion of my life in this state. But that was what confused me about why I felt so good when I let people in on what was really happening. Why would it feel so good to look so bad?

Because it’s honest. It’s the truth. The truth shall set us free, right?  

A Gift

This week we have been in Ontario on a family vacation. Ben’s family has a cabin on a beautiful lake that is nestled between the trees on Manitoulin Island. Ben has been going there since he was born. He has missed one summer and that was due to Aubrey being born during the time we would normally have been there.

It’s been a mixed bag of craziness and bliss. It is hard not to feel relaxed and joyful at the lake, the place is seriously amazing. But there are also a gazillion people there this week. Which makes alone time or even just time for Ben and I to have any form of conversation impossible.

This is tough.

Because the biggest, by far, management tool I have for anxiety and depression right now is talking.  When I made the choice to open the gate and talk to my Mom and Ben there was no going back. It didn’t open a nice pretty little garden gate; it opened a friggin floodgate!

I very quickly learned that talking is key for me. If I don’t talk things go south pretty quickly. 

I have always been a ‘do it myself’ kind of person. I believed I could handle everything and anything on my own. I didn’t need another person for anything, especially anything emotional!  I didn’t have emotional problems! I was coasting along in my blissful little world that only required a small one-man raft. You might even go as far as saying I was my own wolf pack!

Ummm…not so much.

I now know how wrong I was. We are so not meant to be in this world alone. We are not meant to be a self-centered people. We are meant to work together, live together, love together, communicate, help and heal each other.

I used to look at people who talked about their feelings as weak.  How could those people be so weak that they require talking?  I would NEVER be that weak. Because I was strong. I came from a family of strong women. The last thing I needed was a good ol meltdown talk about feelings!

I don’t joke. People who in my mind were so weak seriously bothered me. Looking back I think I was annoyed by it because somewhere deep in my soul I knew it was what I needed. I knew I needed to live in relation with people. To talk when I needed, to grieve when I needed, to smile and laugh when I needed.

I realize now that people who talk and express their hopes, dreams, failures, fears, those people, they are stronger then they know.  They are in the know.  It also made me realize that I need to continue to embrace my weaknesses.

If I had never gone through anything that required any emotion but pure happiness or bliss I wouldn’t truly know how to appreciate them.  And even more so I wouldn’t know how to appreciate myself.  Through conversation and my writing I am slowly discovering that my anxiety and depression are not my demise, they are my gift.

My gift to learn what I am made of. My gift to learn to give compassion and empathy to the people around me, especially the ones that at times don’t look from the outside that they deserve it.  My gift to understand truly how deeply I love my girls.  My gift to learn that I am not always the broken heap of a girl I may have thought I was.

So these days I work towards embracing that. It’s not always easy. I still have days I just want to melt in the spot I stand on and have Ben peel me back up when the waves of despair have passed.  But, since I learned to talk and relate to others I feel like I am truly learning to live.