Monday, October 1, 2012

To be done...or not to be done...

You know the old saying 'Time Heals Everything' do you truly believe that?  It makes me think of so many things. First it makes me think about how everyone tells you after having a baby you will forget the pain. I swore up and down I would never forget, to a certain extent I feel like I remember (from both).  But then I wonder do I actually recall the pain or just remember the emotion from the moments?

Then it also gets me thinking about a whole other bag a crazy. I actually thought to myself  "self don't write this blog, people don't want to hear your nut job crazy talk about your life" . Then I thought everyone's already seen ya at your craziest might as well continue. 

So here it goes…

When do you decide to have more babies?  I know most people say to wait and you just know. But right now I feel like the more time goes by, you know the long 5 months it's been, I get more confused.  Basically for the first 4 months of Elise's life I continued to inform Ben he best get used to life with only two children cause this was it. I ain't ever doing that again!

But then this last month my heads gone and gotten all mixed up. There is this part of me that keeps poking and prodding saying "you ain't done yet…" Which does two things to me 1) Makes me want to stick it to the man and deny the possibility even more. Then I realize in this situation I am the man so I best sort myself out. 2) Terrifies me to no end!

Why does it terrify me? 

It scares me because when I finally started to deal with PPD and PPA I swore to myself that I never ever wanted to feel like that again. And I still don't. I don't want to feel myself slip into that hole that is so dark and lonely.  But I also don't want to deny my girlies another sibling and Ben and I another beautiful baby. We love being parents. But when you are a Mom who is on call 24/7 it can be the most draining job in the entire world.  When that baby wants you and only you there are no breaks. Ben is an amazing help, but Elise no matter what will default to wanting her Momma. And part of me loves that. Then the other part is tapping her watch wondering where the hell her coffee break is??

The choice to exclusively breastfeed also brings forth challenges. I am coming into a space where I feel ready for 'me time'. But then that brings a whole new bag of guilt and anxiety. How could any good mother think she needs time away from her kids to do things for herself?  And people encourage me all the time to formula feed or pump. But I can not bring myself to do it. I am so stubborn and so strong willed that I feel like that would be me quitting on my baby girl. Especially since I nursed Aubrey for 9 months straight. I feel like the guilt would forever haunt me if I quit now especially since I have already made it through 5 months. Now don't get me wrong I don't nurse totally out of a place of guilt, i love the bonding with my sweet baby girl and knowing that it is one of the healthiest options for her.  But when you run along the edge of depression and needing more frequent breaks suddenly, well nursing every 2-3 hours can put a damper on it! 

Now I am rambling. See what babies and the ideas of more babies does to a once sane mind?! They make your crazy, can't even form proper thought patterns. Ahhh well I can be sane in a few years…maybe…hopefully...

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  1. Kell, this is so funny you have a post on this! I've always wanted four kids, then immediately after Wynn was born I joined Kaynes side and said "this is it, not gonna do another marathon of labour and birth hell", then two days later I retracted my statement and still want four. The pain memory has not faded, but I'm just such a sucker for newborns!! Kayne still stands firm, but we'll see :)

  2. Jamie don't get so crazy! You do recall you just went through like 40 hours of labour right?? I feel like such a wimp in that category I was only like 4.5 with Elise...