Big Steps

Yesterday I made a really big step forward for myself. Now to most it would seem little, maybe not even on their radar as a movement at all.  But to me, and my usual patterns in life, it was an awesome step!

See like I have mentioned in a previous post, I spent a good chunk of my years paralyzed. Paralyzed to do anything!  I would come up with ideas of jobs, vacations, items I wanted to buy and then stop. I just couldn’t commit. It depended on the circumstances each time as to what would stop me. But a lot of the time it was simply fear.

Fear is like the enemy of the world. Fear causes way more issues then it ever should be allowed. See it feeds on itself. Once it wins once, it becomes more powerful.  Fear had been feeding off me for a long time. Longer then I care to admit.

About 4 years ago shortly after Ben and I started dating we moved to Halifax. I worked from home so this was an easy move for me. But I got bored. I needed time out of the apartment. So he suggested I take his camera out for a walk. I quickly fell in love. I never thought I would like photography all that much.  Ben taught me a few basics and I worked at it for months. Then we moved home and I kind of stopped.

Insert fear. You see I had family members who were already amazing photographers we didn’t need another one in the family. Honestly I used that as an excuse! The worst part is my family is so huge that if I continued down that path I would never find something I loved that no one else was doing *insert head smash on wall.

Then Ben came to the rescue again, such a knight in shining armor he is, and bought me my own camera as a wedding present!

I took hundreds of pictures and barely ever showed anyone anything.  Then I had kids. My love of photography increased ten fold.  I took a weekend course that gave me some basics about shooting in manual and I have practiced and practiced more.

Since having Elise I really realized it was something that as the girls got older I would really love to do.  But that would mean I would have to commit. And even worse, like tell people I was doing it…

One of my favorites!

So back to the big step. I finally asked a friend of mine if she would be up for coming out with me to practice.  I came home from shooting her and was totally exhilarated. I loved every second of it. We had so much fun together. And it felt so good to do something creative.  I had not felt that good about something I had done in a long time.  Anyone else out there take a big step this week?

Oh and remember that guy Fear, he came home a little deflated and feeling sorry for himself…

Nasty Dragons or just my kids? Which would you rather have for a day?

Today I was the first day since becoming a nursing mother I have ever wished that I was a formula feeder.  Which made me a bit queasy.

Now before all you parents out there who are formula feeders get all up in my business, let it be known that I totally support formula feeders!  If it is what works best for your family then it is obviously the best choice!

Now, enough about you, let’s get back to me.

I love nursing. The bonding time with my girly truly is special. And I feel a bit smug over Ben that he doesn’t get that time.  So why did I hate it today you ask?

Well let me describe the last three days. That’s right 3 DAYS! 

Step 1: Make/eat breakfast while listening to Aubrey whine that she only wants ‘orgrits’ with the background medley sounds of Elise screeching that I stepped out of her sight.

Step 2: Get dressed. Simple enough, right? WRONG!  This is where we will insert the music of Aubrey wailing about that I did not put her in a Pink Dress. 

Step 3:  Look longingly at the wall and consider slowly banging my own head against it.

Banishing the Nasty Dragons

Step 4: Let’s try and get out of the house surely that will help.  WRONG O again!  The whining from Aubrey at least stops at this point. Instead she turns into an Academy award-winning actress. She puts on a good show for the public, spinning dance moves, singing, telling great expressive stories about towers, princesses and Nasty Dragons!  Literally, and I do not exaggerate, the second the public is out of sight the whining and crying starts again.

Step 5:  Make supper. By now Elise is in full on screech owl mode. If I step out of sight or am not touching her she screams as though she is being hurt. Great huge sobs. With giant alligator tears that would usually stop me in my tracks and initiate snuggle time.  That swiftly goes out the door the second you have two children and they are both in full on terrorize mode!

Step 6: Eat said supper.  This should be a peaceful time, one where Ben and I enjoy a glass of wine chitchat and laugh merrily throwing our heads back in joy.  So wrong, so very wrong.  This is the time Ben starts trying every bribe tactic with Aubs (who normally is a great eater) to eat anything on her plate. Usually the only thing that finally works is him motioning to take the food off her plate, which makes her grab it and he replies all affronted “Aubs that is MY food!”

Step 7: Bath time. Screeching, screaming, yelling, laughing, crying, tears, screeching, hold your breath kinda crying, bath done.

Step 8: Bedtime. This actually goes fairly easily. Likely because they are both exhausted from literally never ceasing the crying and whining all day long. I seriously mean they do it all day long!

Step 9: Midnight. This is when the bedtime thing goes terribly awry. Aubs freaks out and insists on coming to bed with me. No big deal I don’t mind snuggling her. But the last three days has been torture. She literally is whining and crying in her sleep. I mean it She has her eyes closed and heavily breathing and still whines and moans and complains, just long enough to wake Elise up.  And funny enough the minute Elise is awake Aubs is asleep. I lay Elise down and we cycle through this dreamland until we start over at Step 1!

So nursing.

Yeah today I wanted to hand over both the girls to Ben and leave for the day. Or even just the evening. But I exclusively nurse. Which means I am tied to the Screech Owl for another 5 months. I know many of you are thinking, “just give her a bottle!”  And a sane person would. But if you kindly look to your right at my bio you will see I have never claimed to be sane, not once. 

Show Time

This last week I got to watch Aubrey become a part of something that was such a large part of my life for so long.  She participated in her first ever Junior Show. She loved every second of it! She even wanted to actually show! 

I thought of many things as I watched her skip through the show (she actually literally skipped a good majority of the time). 

1) I am incredibly old. I seriously have some very vivid memories of the time when I was a PeeWee in the Junior Shows.  Now I watch my daughter begin the same programs. SO OLD!!!

2) My girls are incredibly fortunate. I watched so many people embrace both my girls and carry them along as if they were their own.  Aubrey’s cousins held her hand every step of the way and let her be a part of their show even though she is so much younger. They took her to help feed the cows, Bella let her show in showmanship with her, Jaelayne helped her feel like she was one of the big kids.  As the show went on you could see her embrace the activity around her more and more.   Elise was passed around and loved on the whole time. There were actually a couple of times where I looked at Ben and said, “Where is our baby?”  We would look around the room and spot her with someone different every time. It was so clear to see the connected community. Some of the people were ones that helped me love the community so much and grow within the junior programs.

3) Aubrey loves ‘Shoe Boots’. This is what she calls her cowboy boots. I told her once that they were her Show Boots and ever since they have become Shoe Boots.

4) My nieces and nephews are turning into pretty great kids. Not that they were terrible to begin with, but they are becoming just a bit more exceptional.  Well until they are torturing each other.  Anyways they are becoming real people. Like they do big kid things, without needing assistance from adults. I watched them all crowd around a chute fitting a heifer, seriously the cutest thing in the world.  Each of them had their turn in the ring as well; they each blew me away with how far they have come in just a year.  They all have different talents and are becoming quite the little team.

Her prizes!

5) All of these thoughts just circled me back around to being old again. Like seriously old.  Le sigh…

Shame

Since I started this blog I have had some major transformations. Especially recently.  My life really will never be the same.  About 85% maybe 86 (haha) came about form a course I took this last weekend. I know what you are thinking right now “Kelly a friggin course ain’t gonna create lasting change!” But it has transformed me and already has created so many new possibilities for me.  I will write about this course another time when I have more words for it. Right now my head can’t get a grasp on enough words to explain it.

Now on to this post, and my point.  Things are falling in my lap these days. I am finding talks, quotes, stories, movies etc that really line up with the things I have been thinking or learned.  I recently watched a TED talk that really helped explain what I am talking about in this post. Have I annoyed enough of you yet by dancing around my point? Sorry, let’s move on to it.

When I initially started writing my blog I only sent the posts to my Mom and Ben. I made them swear up and down that only they would be the ones reading.  Somewhere deep down this wasn’t sitting well with me.  I knew I needed to go further. So, I told my mom she could email it to a few select people. BUT this came with the condition she was to tell these people NOT to talk to me.  Seriously just typing that I cringe how ridiculous. They were allowed to email me. Some people did others simply chose to say nothing. 

This went on for a little while. Still it was not sitting right with me. What was the point in bleeding out my whole self if I wasn’t going to own it completely?

The day my Mom pressed that little blue button with an ‘F’ on it that sent my words out into the big bad world of Facebook I almost died.  My breathing shortened, my heart quickened, and I paced my house. I couldn’t find enough things that kept me busy and away from a computer or my phone.  Then it happened. I took a look at my page views for the day. THEN I really wanted to die. They had gone up, they went from like 10 views a day to 700.  I closed the computer screen and waited for the panic attack I was sure would consume my every cell.

Something funny happened in place of a panic attack. I was free.

I tried that on.  It kinda felt good. But why?  It nagged at me for days. Why would sharing my most shameful thoughts and being feel freeing and, well good?

Then I went to this course on the weekend and I realized why. Choosing to be authentic and let people into my life and know the truth was the most freeing thing a person can do.  I had spent months letting people think things were perfect. That I had no struggles. Do you know how exhausting that is?  Did you know that it causes even more misery?  But that day, the day I chose to share with a wider audience I was free from my pains.

And on top of it people have been amazing! I have received so many kind words. 

Then something else happened. People started telling me their story. I quickly realized I was not unique.  In hearing more stories I became relieved. It released even more of the pains and darkness. It let in new light.

Something nagged at me though. Why don’t we share with each other more? I still don’t think I have a definite answer, but I think I have a few thoughts that are starting to come together.

I realized that I was so ashamed of myself for having struggled at a time that should have been the happiest time of my life. I was ashamed of what others would think of me. BiNGO! Why would I let shame and the thoughts of what others think of me control my life?  Because I didn’t want anyone to think less of me, I never wanted anyone to think I was a bad person. Really in short I wanted to look good.

The cost of looking good was absolute misery. I actually realized I spent a good portion of my life in this state. But that was what confused me about why I felt so good when I let people in on what was really happening. Why would it feel so good to look so bad?

Because it’s honest. It’s the truth. The truth shall set us free, right?  

Well Played...

Today I got a glimpse of what life is going to look like with two girls.  Yeah you are all getting this beautiful little image of two sisters giggling together, sharing secrets, just general awesome bonding. Admit it, your head started to go there didn’t it?

Well today my girls one-upped me. They made their own damn image. Because they are not followers, they are going to do their own thing.  Sometimes I wish they weren’t so stubborn like…their dad…

My day consisted of crying along with the odd high-pitched squeal, then that would be followed by an “I just want daddy!” Know what my response was to that? “Yeah well guess what your dad is just going to agree with me!”  You know because obviously the two year old understood this concept. No matter what it made me feel better.

Little team meeting

At one point I walked away from Aubrey who was lying on my bedroom floor at my feet while I changed Elise. I left her there and after listening to on and off crying for 5 minutes I thought it was best I go check on her. Only to find she was doing it in her sleep! She was sleeping and still antagonizing me! She’s good…too good!

Elise decided to join in on the fun. If I took even a half step away from her she squealed. Actually when I think of it this started the night before. My Mom had been holding her while I put Aubs to sleep. I walked downstairs after winning my battle with Aubrey to find my Mom asking “What is wrong with her, why is she screaming like this, I have never heard her like this”.  The second I stopped to nurse her she was fine. That was how the rest of my day today went!

The only time I saw even a slight smile from them was when they were looking at each other. They would both get this little sparkle in their eye like “hey look how good we are at teaming up on her, let’s see how long till she breaks”. 

So, know what I did. Instead of making supper I pulled out a craft. A friggin craft!! I don’t do crafts, that is how messed up they made me!  But you know what I crafted my little heart out and got my first smile of the day, and my last. Le’ sigh.

Our Art project. 

A Gift

This week we have been in Ontario on a family vacation. Ben’s family has a cabin on a beautiful lake that is nestled between the trees on Manitoulin Island. Ben has been going there since he was born. He has missed one summer and that was due to Aubrey being born during the time we would normally have been there.

It’s been a mixed bag of craziness and bliss. It is hard not to feel relaxed and joyful at the lake, the place is seriously amazing. But there are also a gazillion people there this week. Which makes alone time or even just time for Ben and I to have any form of conversation impossible.

This is tough.

Because the biggest, by far, management tool I have for anxiety and depression right now is talking.  When I made the choice to open the gate and talk to my Mom and Ben there was no going back. It didn’t open a nice pretty little garden gate; it opened a friggin floodgate!

I very quickly learned that talking is key for me. If I don’t talk things go south pretty quickly. 

I have always been a ‘do it myself’ kind of person. I believed I could handle everything and anything on my own. I didn’t need another person for anything, especially anything emotional!  I didn’t have emotional problems! I was coasting along in my blissful little world that only required a small one-man raft. You might even go as far as saying I was my own wolf pack!

Ummm…not so much.

I now know how wrong I was. We are so not meant to be in this world alone. We are not meant to be a self-centered people. We are meant to work together, live together, love together, communicate, help and heal each other.

I used to look at people who talked about their feelings as weak.  How could those people be so weak that they require talking?  I would NEVER be that weak. Because I was strong. I came from a family of strong women. The last thing I needed was a good ol meltdown talk about feelings!

I don’t joke. People who in my mind were so weak seriously bothered me. Looking back I think I was annoyed by it because somewhere deep in my soul I knew it was what I needed. I knew I needed to live in relation with people. To talk when I needed, to grieve when I needed, to smile and laugh when I needed.

I realize now that people who talk and express their hopes, dreams, failures, fears, those people, they are stronger then they know.  They are in the know.  It also made me realize that I need to continue to embrace my weaknesses.

If I had never gone through anything that required any emotion but pure happiness or bliss I wouldn’t truly know how to appreciate them.  And even more so I wouldn’t know how to appreciate myself.  Through conversation and my writing I am slowly discovering that my anxiety and depression are not my demise, they are my gift.

My gift to learn what I am made of. My gift to learn to give compassion and empathy to the people around me, especially the ones that at times don’t look from the outside that they deserve it.  My gift to understand truly how deeply I love my girls.  My gift to learn that I am not always the broken heap of a girl I may have thought I was.

So these days I work towards embracing that. It’s not always easy. I still have days I just want to melt in the spot I stand on and have Ben peel me back up when the waves of despair have passed.  But, since I learned to talk and relate to others I feel like I am truly learning to live. 

The Crazy Book

I got annoyed yesterday.  People who are close to me know that I just don’t get annoyed easily. I like to live my life in a very Zen like state….pffffttt.

Anyway I was annoyed. BUT I think all for good reason. Ben and I went out for our Anniversary. *Note this was not the annoying part.  We went out for a really nice dinner and then had some shopping to do for our upcoming vacation. I asked Ben if we could stop by chapters so I could browse books for a little bit. I love books. I would fill a room with books and likely never come out. This is where the annoyances start.

I thought to myself, “Self lets check out the self-help section. See what other kinds of crazy we got going on…” So I wandered over trying to escape the Chapters lady constantly following me like I was about to slip a book in my bra and run.  Got to the section on Depression and Anxiety, and then immediately (well maybe a few seconds later) felt like kicking the shelf and walking away. I realized though I would likely hurt my foot, I didn’t have the right kind of shoes on that day.

Let me tell you anyone who is heading in there to get a book on Depression or Anxiety is apt to come out in a worse state.  I am sure some of those books have some really great info and are super informative, but I couldn’t get past the ugliness of the books AND their titles. For example…’Ending the Depression Cycle’, ‘Change your Brain, Change your life’, ‘Beating Anxiety and Stress’.  And every book has nice images of a calm pool of water with a little ripple pool in it. Or a super cool chart. Or even if your lucky a women looking thoughtful. 

I stood there staring stupidly. Seriously. This is it? And not even one on PPD, besides the book Brooke Shields wrote which is actually good and I already have.

So I started ranting to myself.  That’s it I am going to write a book. And it’s going to be called something cool like “Hey you crazy? I’m crazy too!”  Or “Felling crazy? Probably are!”  Or for the anxiety sufferers “LOOK OUT, that thing you keep thinking is going to bring sufficient harm to yourself or your loved ones is about to get you!”

OK that was not nice. But I am allowed. I got it all.

Oh and on the cover I would have something amusing. Maybe myself stomping the crystal clear puddle with a small ripple in it. Who wants a Zen like little pool?  I want a pool that has a few waves in it, maybe even a little mud! One that says I lived a bit, ya know?

Rant over. 

Fit for a Princess!

Aubrey turned 2 on July 22.  It was an epic princessy kind of a day.  She woke up with a beautiful smile on her face and both Ben and I exclaimed “Happy Birthday!” to which she got a twinkle in her eye and said….”a birthday cake?!”

And cake she had.  I believe the final count was 3 cupcakes, 1 piece of angel food cake, and multiple spoonfuls of icing.  I should also note no actual cake was hurt in the making of this blog. Icing on the other hand felt the wrath of Aubs.  She doesn’t like cake, just the topping!

We princessed the heck out of this party. For one-week solid every night and well into the night, Ben and I spent our time ‘crafting’.  We made big dresses that were themed Cinderella, Aurora and Belle that spelled out ‘Happy Birthday Aubrey’.  Then I also cut out and crafted teeny tiny dresses on toothpicks to go into all of the cupcakes. 

Rockin' on her B-day

Then I went on a shopping mission to find every possible pink item I could. We had pink tablecloths, pink punch, pink napkins, pink plates, pink frosting, pink streamers, pink balloons. You get the point there was a whole lotta pink!  Stupidly I did this shopping with 2 children. No woman should have to shop for a party with 2 kids it should be a law. I’m telling you it just shouldn’t be legal!

The party was done a la’ Kelly style. Last minute, ridiculous changes due to wishy washiness that results in me having a terrible time just saying what I want.  First it was a pool party, then a at home party, pool, home, pool…I think you can see the pattern here.

A and I 

So the weather was supposed to be terrible this made the decision easy. We would rent the pool and have everything there. Done. Ben phoned booked the pool we were set.

Fast forward to two days later, weather change it was going to be beautiful! So we change to at home!  This is all 2 days before said event. 

So we wake up on the birthday day to ….gray skies and rain….eff! 

Oh well we had committed right?!

Then suddenly Ben stops in his tracks and exclaims “Sh** I forgot to cancel the pool!”. This was no ordinary booking; we had booked the ENTIRE pool. Not just a room and public swim…the ENTIRE pool.

SO what do we do? We do both. We frantically phone all our guests explain we will do everything at home and race to the dang pool!

In the end it was a great party. Aubrey thought she was an absolute princess and that was really all that mattered!