What's Mine Is Yours

I haven’t really gotten a chance to write a blog about my pregnancy yet. And it will have to wait again for the next one.  Today I watched an encounter between Aubrey and her cousin that needs a quick blog!

Aubrey is hyper aware of everything around her. It’s a nice trait, but also a bit tricky.  She asks questions and remembers things that just kind of blow my mind.  Even with being quite self-conscious of my body I never let it be an issue at home. The girls have seen me shower, change etc.  A long time ago Aubrey stopped in her tracks like she was seeing me for the first time. Her eyes widened slightly and she said “Mom where did you get those scratches on your tummy?”

I knew this question would come eventually. I sorta really hate my stretch marks, but also don’t pay much attention to them.  So, I gave her this big explanation about how when she was a baby inside me she just didn’t have enough room, my tummy had to grow and it left these marks all over.   She was satisfied and went on her way.  

Now she likes hearing the story. Like it somehow is this special story just about her and I. 

Today Rowan (her cousin) came over, I was trying to explain to her that I had a baby in my tummy. She thought I was hilarious and had a good laugh, followed by saying “uhhh no you don’t!”. 

Aubrey quickly dropped what she was doing looked at her and said “YA she is! AND my mom has marks on her tummy that are from when I got to be inside!”.  She said it with way more pride then anyone I have ever met about stretch marks. Like they were hers.

It threw me off. Made me stop and remember how much she soaks in from us.  From now on they will be ‘our’ stretch marks.

I'm Kelly and I judge others...

My Mom recently sent me a link for a photo project that was done by a group called Connecticut Working Moms. The intent is to encourage women to stop judging one another and end the ‘Mommy Wars’. 

They describe the Mommy Wars as the negative comparisons and judgements on things such as post-baby bodies, feeding methods, choice of diapering, maternity leave, the list could go on and on really.

This article was sent to me about a month ago and I have been sitting on it, stewing. Probably overthinking, but at least it got me thinking.

I applaud the effort. A great step in calling the woman population out, saying “ lets all just love one another.”.  The Utopian world in my head looks a lot like that. Everyone having true compassion and empathy for one another, being fully accepting of all no matter how different it is from themselves.

But here’s the thing that I think gets missed. Understand this is all just from my own experience.

I feel like in order to truly have the change, people need to be honest that they do it.  That even the moms who held up the amazing signs in this photo project have at some point, and likely still do (even if its silently) judge other mom’s choices.  

See I look at it like an AA group. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. 

Before I became a mom I had a lot of judgments towards parents around me. I judged the choices my sisters made, the lady down the street, the lady in the mall. Because obviously when I was a mom it would be different.  Well, then I became a mom, and I did do a lot of things different in comparison from the moms I had judged.

Luckily along with becoming a mother, a new pathway of empathy opened up for other moms that wasn’t really ever there before.  But it unfortunately didn’t shut down the judgment pathway that was created many years before. Since reading this article and other blogs, board forums, I started wondering why.

When I started this blog, while going through PPD after having Elise, I was blown away at how many messages I received from women that had gone through the same thing. These are women I had known, or thought I did. And I think that is where things start to go a little haywire.

See we rarely know someone’s whole truth. What makes them tick, what breaks them down, what lifts them, we are not an open species with each other. We hide. It’s like the ultimate game of hide-and-seek. Whoever hides the best, looks the best. And we all know we wanna look good.

Since exposing myself to the world wide web and stating I indeed was very flawed it helped dissolve some of the judgment of other people. Sadly not all of it.  The thing is though I am more aware. I can catch myself in the moment, then I start a little mental conversation “Kelly, do you know where this person is coming from? Do you know that that Mom might have spent her entire night up with a teething baby and now has about 5% of her patience in working gear? Do you know that she is a single Mom doing what works best for her family?”

The more I have dived into questioning what others lives are really like, I realized I don’t know much.  And even though I have more understanding of others now than ever before, I still get caught in the mudslide of judgment. Because I still have flaws, I still have insecurities that loom looking for others who might be weaker at something than I am to boost my self-esteem. 

Maybe a photo-project that would be more impactful would be one with signs saying “I judged her because she fed her child sugar cereal” and the other holding a sign saying “I accept her even though she judges me because she has an insecurity that other people think she doesn’t feed her children well”. 

I can join the chorus of Kumbaya singing “Love one another”, but I don’t think we can all truly drop judgment until we can admit we do it, even while we try not to. I think it's about taking the opportunity to stop and self reflect when we find ourselves in judgement, and work towards self growth. All the while trusting that with growth true compassion and empathy for others will organically grow with you. 

Week #5

This week was a rough week. All pictures are from my iPhone, I never pulled my camera out once. We were a house full of sickness, crocheting and crazy babies. 

My sister Angela came to my house a little over a week ago with a ball of yarn and a few hooks. She taught me the basics to crochet in about 20 minutes. Now I have gone a little overboard. Elise is wearing some leg warmers I whipped up, she had to be tricked into wearing them, now she loves them. 

Aubs and I sporting our infinity scarves I did. 

With my sinus infection I became a bit housebound, which in turn created crazy kids. So, I finally dragged myself outta the house and took the girls on a date. 

At Edo in Camrose the cooks can see pretty much everyone in the joint. They kept smiling and waving at Elise. This was her response. You can't see her hand but she was poking her fork at them with this look on her face. 

Sick mom + sick baby = multitasking put to the test!

Week #4 of Life at Home

This year I am making my countdown towards thirty. I'm not sure how I skipped from being 21 to almost 30…but I did. After my 29th Birthday Ben and I had in-depth conversation about what this year could look like. We usually do this together after each others birthdays.  For me I knew I needed to work my way out of some ruts, but also learn to push through discomforts. 

Pushing through discomfort is a really big thing for me. I have based many choices (more than I care to admit) on the fact that I may be uncomfortable, embarrassed, fail, the list goes on and on.  

Now I am a bit over 6 months away from my Birthday only to realize I have been half assin' this promise to myself.  Thankfully January has been different. This month Ben and I have made decisions about our family, I've joined an amazing circuit training class, and push myself in personal growth everyday. 

AND get this, last week I started crocheting. My sisters and I like to mispronounce it, say it more phonetically, you know to make it still sound like we have some coolness left in us and that it's just a geeky thing we thought we would try. But I, the girl who was given 'special projects' in Home-ec instead of sewing because I was so terrible, am a crocheter!  

Just imagine what next month could bring!

If you feel like giving me a little extra love please give a click to the smiley lady in the top right hand corner. All you have to do is click and it gives me a vote :)

An Old Friend

Last week I was lucky to be able to tag along to Mexico to an old friends wedding. I won't count how many years we have known each other because that will make me feel too old.  Through the years since High School ended we dipped in and out of each others lives. Always seeming to be there at the right moments, and like no time had really ever passed. Not in a "neither of you have grown up way", but in a way that's like cracking open your favourite old book and settling in for a good read. 

A few weeks before the wedding Jammey kindly asked me to take photos while she and her girls got ready. My first thought was "Yes of course". My second thought was "Mother of Pearl! What if I mess this up?". Then I thought she can't hate me if I do, it's like an old friend rule, you're not really allowed to truly hate each other. 

Anyways I was so glad to get to be a part of her day and watch the events unfold. There were so many touching moments throughout the day. Moments with tears, laughs, and with no other way to describe it…nerves!  I watched as Jammey took time to let each person know what they meant to her and it just blew me away.  Her heart was so open to all these people that it kind of took your breath away. 

As the time got closer to the actual wedding I noticed slight shifts in her energy. Not huge just small. By the time she got her dress on and the veil was being placed I could feel her anxiousness bouncing about the room.  Not in a hyper way. She held her body slightly tighter, her smiles were strained not in a bad way, but in a "I can't wait to do this" way.  

It brought me straight back to my own wedding day and those moments before I walked down the aisle. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like my muscles had tightened to the point they were not allowing for air to get in my lungs.  Not because I was worried about making the right choice, but because I KNEW it was the right choice. Because I knew I loved Ben so much that it makes you hurt a bit.  

I love that I got to see that in my old friend. To know that,as she starts her new life with Adam, she loves him that much. 

Happy 3rd Birthday

Dear Aubrey

No one can prepare you for the day you become a parent. People throw all kinds of advice at you, but it doesn't matter. No person is ever prepared for that moment when another life, one you created and nurtured with every breath of every day, is laid upon you for the first time.  I remember being so overcome, almost like I was watching someone else.  

While I was pregnant with you I talked to you a lot. Almost always these conversations happened in my head. When you were born it felt like we were still connected in the same way. It's a bit unexplainable but I pray there is a day my words won't be needed and you will know this feeling on your own.  

Watching you grow for three years now has been without question the most inspiringly beautiful thing I have ever seen.  Everyday you teach me why we are here. I see the way you love without question. You have a quiet way of making almost anyone feel like they are connected to this world and loved so wholly.  I hope you never stop.

Your imagination is so wild and overgrown that I sometimes wonder if we really do have unicorns in our house.  Your enthusiasm easily matches your daddy's, and that's saying something!   Your smile brings an ease and comfort to any situation. 

Happy 3rd Birthday.

Love you to the most. 

Mom  

To Drain or not to drain?

Aubrey is absolutely convinced that anything can go down the drain, no matter it's size, including a human.  When I am home alone with the girls the routine is that I get Aubs out first dress her while sitting beside the tub, then take Elise out. See Elise has to go second or she has a fear she might miss out on something and throws an enormous fit. 

The last couple of weeks Aubrey panics that we won't get Elise out of the tub fast enough and she is going to head down the drain with the water.  Here is my predicament - The good mom would calm her child and reassure her this is not possible and maybe talk through the physics of this….then the other EQUALLY as good Mom has a little fun.  It took me a week to decide which I wanted to proceed with. 

So, two nights ago this happened again. I was tired and have been alone for a few days so wasn't really on my best game. I did hesitate though…Here is our conversation

Best Sisters

Aubrey :  (she does this nervous laugh/cry thing and talks really fast when concerned about something ) Ahhh..hahaha…Mom…ahh…Get Eliser outta the tub…

Me: (stare blankly deciding what to do)

Aubrey:  (panicky laugh is increasing) Mom..Get Liser out now…Hahah..she's ah gonna go down the drain…

Me: (Looks over at the tub, eyes widen) OH NO she is going down the drain (Mock putting my arms out to save her)…Liser don't go ….nooooo

Aubrey: MOM!! NOT MY LISER, I LOVE MY LISER!! I NEEEEED HER!

Dammit!  She goes straight for the heart and says something cute and kind, now I feel bad. I quickly grabbed Elise and became the hero of the story. 

Aha Moment

I had an 'Aha' moment the last weekend. It actually kind of crushed me a tiny bit.  But I am so glad that I have solid proof of where changes need to be made!

First, I have been thinking about self esteem for quite some time. Watching as my niece and nephews are edging their way into that adolescent zone.  I think I became so much more aware after having two girls and recalling my own experience. I remember the year I headed into grade 7 I suddenly had a chest. Grade 6 there was nothing, summer came and so did boobs.  I was SO self conscious. None of the other girls had grown a full chest over the summer and it felt wrong to me to be different. To stand out. I just had no understanding and the confidence to say "I love this new body".

Anyways. It got me trying to remember when it happens. When does that moment happen that you start to hate your own body. I watch Aubrey and Elise they have zero concept of body hate. Aubrey tells us all the time how she feels and looks beautiful, not in a vain way but in that little girl way where they are so excited to feel that way. And the believe it, they believe it with all their heart. And Aubrey looks at me all the time and tells me "Mom you look like a princess" or "Mom you looks so beautiful".  I have fought to roll my eyes in response and attempted to beat the thoughts out of my head that this kid is on crack. 

I want to be that little girl again who simply thinks everyone is beautiful.  Seriously how different our world could be. Think about it!

Back to my 'Aha' moment.  Last weekend I was laying in bed with the two girls reading our ritual bedtime story. Ben took out his phone and started taking pictures of the three of us together. And instead of looking at the picture as a precious memory of that moment in time, a moment that will eventually feel like a flicker of time, I flipped through them, stopping long enough to say "I look terrible!"  Aubrey asked if she could look at the pictures. I watched her study it for a few seconds then shake her head and say "I look terrible"….gutted.  

That right there is where it starts. 

So, I have made a vow to never say a bad thing about my body again. Not even a just in front of the kids promise. I mean never. It's a process, i have had to fight hard multiple times already to not say something.  So pray for me that I have the strength to keep it up…

Hide and Seek...Please don't seek!

I’m sitting in a way too busy coffee shop thinking of writing this really nice touching blog about how it’s been a year since I started writing. A year since PPD and anxiety crept into my life and got comfy.  Instead….I am going to write about hiding from my kids. 

Elise has been sleeping like a dream for about a month…only the worst kind of dream!! Seriously it’s so bad that even Ben is tired. He never gets tired…or he hides it super well.  Last week I lay in bed listening to Ben prepare breakfast for everyone, it was clear he was struggling. Elise was screaming, Aubrey was filling him in on something that she obviously thought he was not knowledgeable in.  So obviously being the good wife I am I got out and saved the day. WRONG! I rolled over fished my phone off the floor and texted Ben “Is it bad if I don’t want to come out so I don’t have to be around our kids?” Weird it took awhile for his response, I kinda started to worry he was thinking of starting the van up to take me to the crazy house (only to realize we lived there).  A simple  “NO” came through.  

The Tyrant

Luckily for me I have the world’s best husband, today anyways. He arranged for Aubs and I to hide out and re-sleep train The Tyrant.  I literally hid from her. I can’t handle sleep training. It’s the only parenting thing I super hate.  I can listen to her cry at night for about 10 minutes then I am in there like a dirty shirt ( I don’t really get that saying).  

Ben was a champ. After the first brutal night I swept in that morning and snuggled the heck out of her, until she pushed me away because clearly she has more important things to do like play with the handle on the window.   

Now after two nights I think we broke her. Only she one upped us. Now she would much prefer we don’t hold her while she falls asleep. Its like she knew that was the one last thing of her babyhood we liked. It was like a “eff you” if you won’t hold me all night then you get NOTHING!!

Well played E, well played. 

* Please remember to click the smiley little lady up in the top corner :)

Flashback Insight

An interesting thing happens when you open your mind to being truthful about yourself. You start piecing together parts of a puzzle that you had kicked under the bed in hopes of never crossing it again.  I've been dragging pieces out for awhile now. They kinda just keep getting more interesting. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like they could possibly belong to the person I am now. 

For instance…I actually kind of want to bang my head on a wall over this story while blushing fiercely for owning the fact it happened. 

I always wanted to go to post-secondary schooling. The thought was crippling though. How do you decide what your going to be? Especially at 17!  I kept finding ways to put it off. I had some amazing reasons and stories why it really wasn't for me.   Truth is, it terrified me to step into a decision and have to own it.  

So, I got really brave one summer and went and registered for a semester at RDC. I know right?  A whole semester. I was excited though. I felt like it was a good way to test the waters without having to commit myself fully.   I registered into an array of classes, tourism types, and one marketing class. 

I was actually quite excited about the marketing class. Until I got there.  Seriously I think I am blushing just about to write this because its so ridiculous.

The first day of classes was going great. I loved all of them and settled in very easily. Until I got to the marketing class. We were told the semester would be spent on group projects. We would pair up into 2's or 3's. My heart sunk. Then it hit rock and splattered when we were told we could choose the groups. Eff. 

Who would want to pair with me? I was convinced I would be left with no group. People looking and judging that I would not be a good group member. Yeah you know this class of 30 people really took the time in that 15 minutes to just zone in on me. Cue spotlight, dramatic music, and people pointing fingers in total disgust. Sigh. 

I did the only logical thing. Dropped the class. Told my Mom that I really didn't think marketing was for me and that I didn't want to waste time with it. Insert forehead slap.   I went on to finish my semester with  my name on the Dean's List and a mental slap for eventually realizing how ridiculous I was. 

Am I crazy?

I have been putting a lot of thought into why I chose to talk more about my anxiety. About why I thought it was important to talk about it. You see I don't know if anyone else is like me, i mean anyone else who maybe has anxiety or depression.  But I have some thoughts. 

See I am not being open in hopes of receiving sympathy from people who read this. Or to in turn be treated differently. In fact I hope most people who know me can just look at me and see me, as me.  I actually kind of despise the thought of people thinking just because I have anxiety I should be treated carefully and tip toed around.  

For me I choose to speak about it simply so that the person on the other side of the screen rabidly searching the internet to find out if they are 'normal' will stumble upon me and realize that it is so normal to go through this. Yeah you may need therapy, or whatever your choice of action is, but it really doesn't change anything else.  It doesn't make you a sudden outcast to have a mental health problem.  *Side note I really hate the term 'Mental Health' i think they should start calling it 'Normal people with sorta normal more common than you know problems'.  See I am not a victim to my problem, it is what it is.  All you lucky people who read this just get to hear the awesomeness of what can go through my head in a moment of anxiousness. 

I am a part of this really amazing Mom's group that is online, seriously it's awesome.  Anyway something stuck out for me recently.  I woman who is expecting again asked if there was such a thing as pre-natal depression, and went on to explain how she had been feeling lately.  A lot of women jumped on to support her in telling her how they were there for her, that it's just normal pregnancy stuff etc.  Which sometimes it can be.  I reached out to her to explain it happens and I went through it. We had a few minor exchanges that hopefully left the channel of communication open for her.

The thing that stuck out for me was - why when someone is reaching out do we feel the need to tell them everything is ok, and yep its just normal pregnancy?  Because we don't want them to feel bad?  Because we don't know how to deal with it if it is real? Does it mean now that that person is friggin crazy?!  

My hope is that one day when someone reaches out and says "I think something isn't right"  it can be addressed.  LIke for real looked at. No i don't mean instantly send you to a shrink. I mean like have a real conversation, ask more questions, listen to the person (like truly listen) and be a support that is going to make it seem like this is as common as a flu bug that just made it's rounds.  I hope that it can just be a normal thing, that you can talk about it like you would any other issue. I think it'll happen. 

Stripes

I have to be really careful around Aubs. She is really intuitive. She quickly senses any
shift in the energy of a room, around a person you name it. Today was an off day for
me. The girls had a brutal night and Elise is in high teething mode making for one
heck of a needy babe through out the day.

As the day went on Aubrey was really good. She played with a friend through the
morning while I was in a meeting, then she played happily on her own through
a good chunk of the afternoon. I layed down on the floor at one point with both
girls circling around me playing. Only to have Aubrey stop and start up a …touchy
subject.

When I got on the floor my shirt had slipped up just slightly, but I never noticed.
Aubrey stopped in her tracks knelt down beside me and gently touched my stomach.
You see mine looks different then hers, mine has marks. Right now I am mentally
hitting my head on a wall, like I really want to think about friggin stretch marks.

As she did this she said “Momma it’s ok you just have stripes” she stopped kissed my
stomach then said “You’re gonna be ok!” then sat and waited for my response.

You know I have read all the different posts on blogs and pinterest, facebook you
name it, all about how we should accept our stretch marks from childbearing,
embrace them even. I’ve tried, like really hard. But I hate them.

I love that I was able to carry my children into this world and that they are two
healthy little girls. I love that I got to feel what it’s like to have a little foot kick you
from the inside. I feel incredibly blessed to have had all the experiences that come
with being pregnant and the end result of my amazing children.

But, nope, still don’t like the stretch marks.

Although I will say I have come to terms with them. I accept that they are there and
just a part of my body now. So in response to Aubrey’s kind words I went on to
explain to her how I got them. I told her a story all about how her and Elise got to
spend some intimate time inside my belly and that it needed to grow to make room
for them, which then left me with some stripes.

She lifted her shirt looked from her belly to mine then said “WELL…we both have
belly buttons Mom!” That we do Aubs, that we do!

Brick Wall

I've been finding myself at this wall. It's a sort of brick wall, kind of pretty in the way brick can be. It has these cracks in it.  They are old cracks. You can tell they are old from the way the dust and dirt is settled into the broken parts.  At a first glance the cracks make me almost want to look away.  Some days I guess I do.  They just seem too…at home.  

But then I look closer, the closer I look at the cracks and broken pieces I notice that in the time I focused on the cracks I almost missed the best part. I completely missed seeing the way the cracks brought the wall to life. Without them to create shadows, and depth, and character, well it would just be a wall, a brick wall. 

I have the feeling if I can let go of the worry and angst of the imperfections on this brick wall something magical would happen.  That maybe vines of  beautiful flowers could grow through the space left in the cracks and create a mass of beauty.  Or maybe, maybe even more cracks would appear and one day just finally take the damn wall down and expose the hidden life behind it.  

*Please go give the smiley lady in the corner a click to keep my votes up on the Top Mommy Blogs site.  She likes the attention. 

Need a Push

If you had to pick one thing, only one, that you would say holds you back in life the most what would it be?  It's tricky for me. Yes, I have THAT many things. Le sigh.   I have been thinking about it a lot the last few weeks. The silly thing is is I have tons of tools to push my way past them. 

But, if I had to pick one it would be, I worry that "what if it's the wrong choice?".  Or even on top of that,  what if what I choose I am actually good at and succeed? Then people put a certain expectation on me that I can't live up to. 

Seriously this crap goes through my head like clockwork. It's like every time the 9 comes around the bird pops out and starts pecking. Yes, I know the bird usually cuckoo's and doesn't peck. In my case it pecks. 

So I am trying to cook something up that is going to challenge me. Something that makes me accountable in some sort of way. Where it's like I have to push past those things…or else…haha. No maybe a competition would be best. I try and pretend I am not that competitive but i really am.   I am open to some ideas….please help…  Or if you just like watching a girl flounder about keep stopping by the blog you won't be disappointed :)

Dream Big, Right?

I don’t know the first time I  felt the pull.  I know it was sometime in high school.  Grade 10 seems like the right number.   Probably because that is the time when you start to become a little more serious about, the terrifying, ‘what do I want to be’ thought.

I had big ideas. Ones that always felt too big for a girl from a town of 800 people.  Things that felt so largely beyond me that I simply daydreamed and moved on. Just to name a few, I wanted to make a film any kind of film, maybe a documentary. Heck that one is still on my list!  I wanted to be a mom, check. I wanted to be far far away, sorta check I lived in Halifax.  I wanted to be a healer of some sorts. Yeah I said healer mostly because that could mean so many things. 

One of the biggest things that has always and will always sit on my plate is to change the world.  Yeah big statement, one person.  I get the absurdity of it. I also feel creatively charged by the thought. Maybe its as simple as parenting my kids in a way that creates people who will one day actually take care of our people and planet.  Maybe it’s helping to make sure my community thrives. Maybe it’s helping another mom out there realize…well, she’s normal.  Maybe it’s building a school in a foreign country.  All I know is things like this are on my mind every.single. day.

Which brings me to my exciting opportunity. I was lucky enough to notice that TOMS was having a contest.  You could enter a ticket, one ticket. One that could change your life. This ticket, should you be in the top 50, will take you on a ‘Giving Trip’.  A trip where TOMS actually delivers and fits shoes onto children.   Amazing right.  Well I need help. I need one vote from everyone. You can only vote once. All it takes is a minute to put in one vote for my ticket.

Here is a link to go ahead and help create the beginning of a dream for me.
http://www.toms.com/ticket-to-give/flags/4350

Lost Love

Well it has finally happened. My daughter has gone and broken my heart. Shattered. Sigh. Ok slightly dramatic… but not really.  

Backstory:  My girls have always been really attached to me. Especially Aubrey, she still much prefers me over her Dad. She even says she is mine and Elise is her dad's. That hasn't changed.  Elise has, from the beginning, tolerated her Dad much more. Maybe even loved him.  

I have secretly (well try to secretly) really kind of loved this about my kids. I should probably feel badly for Ben. I guess i do a little. But I have always had a mental smug on that they wanted me more. That mental smug just got slapped off…almost literally. 

Yesterday for the first time…Elise wanted her dad.  I'm talking when she was in his arms if i came near she would swat me away. I even laid my head on Ben's shoulder and she pushed me away.  Put my arms out for her to come to me she swatted at me and turned her head. SERIOUSLY!!! 

I was telling Ben last night that the hold it has on me is totally ridiculous. I now feel like i have to win over a 10 month old baby!  He told me "hon, she still loves you…blah blah blah." I never heard the rest because i was annoyed. 

So, now i am off to win my daughters affections back. Wish me luck.

*If you are feeling extra kind today please just click the smiley lady in the corner!

Letter To Me

A letter to myself 9 months ago...

Kelly,

You are a month away from having your second beautiful baby girl.  She is going to add so much love, laughter and joy to your little family.  As she grows watching her interact with Aubrey will bring  smile to your face unlike any other.  Watching her grow and develop personality traits will give you a sense of pride that only a mother can know.

But, on your journey there is going to be struggles.  Along with the intense feelings of love and joy that your children bring there will be such an overwhelming, intense feeling that almost drowns you. 

You will shed more tears then you thought you had.  You will wonder if you are ever going to feel ‘right’ again. 

Finally you will break. You heart will feel like it’s a shattered shell so frail you wonder how there was a time it was strong. But was it ever strong?  Or were you always weak ?  These are questions that will plague you. You will think that you are different, that no one else has gone through the pains you are going through. 

You’re wrong.

If I could talk to you that day, from my perspective now, I would tell you how strong you are. I would tell you how speaking up and being vulnerable will forever change your life.  In so many ways you will feel freed. You will feel like the weight on your chest stopping you from breathing properly will suddenly be gone.  Sure its just the start to healing, but oh is it a powerful start.

I wish I could show you the emails and facebook messages you will receive form people. People who have stories like yours, people who just want to tell you they love you, and people who just put a smile on your face.   Because when you start receiving this outreach your life changes.   You see that there is nothing all that special about you.  You see that there are so many women who have struggled, and struggled hard.   Maybe had you seen these messages sooner a whole world of pain could have been avoided, or maybe lessened.  You wouldn’t have had to go so many months thinking you were alone.

But I can’t show you any of this. I can’t hold your hand and walk with you through those dark days.   Instead I hope you embrace this journey. Hold onto it and grow.  Because there is so much good that is going to come from those days.  Always remember imperfections are what creates beauty. 

“ And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin 

I love you to...

Have you ever had one of your kids use a phrase and swear to yourself you will remember it?  Or how about little things they would do as a baby or toddler, and you just couldn't imagine NOT remembering it?! I have had so many things like this. And for the most part I do remember a lot of them. 

Once Elise was born and really started doing her own things I quickly realized I was in fact NOT remembering certain things Aubs used to do.  Like for instance no matter where we were, we could walk into a room that had music playing so softly it was hardly noticeable but she would start dancing. Seriously she did this every time! 

I catch myself with both the girls trying to somehow burn things into my memory. I don't want to ever forget the things they do and say.  Like right now Elise makes this hilarious face. It's a smile of sorts and she does it when she is really excited. It is seriously the cutest thing ever!  I can picture it so well right now. In fact I try all the time to get it on my camera so I have a sort of proof of it. 

I keep trying to come up with ways to store these memories. But I still can't come up with something super creative.  I am not a scrapbooker. I keep up their baby books fairly well, but it's not the same. 

My biggest one right now that I swear I will never ever forget. *crosses fingers* A few months ago I asked Aubrey "How much do you love me?".  This was a typical thing we would say to her. Before she would never really have an answer, she was barely 2 why would she?!  But a couple months ago I asked her and she looked at me, thought about it, then said "I love you to the most!" 

Obviously the most logical best answer! Why would we love someone to the moon? I can't tangibly picture that. But I CAN absolutely know what loving someone to the most feels like!  So that is our phrase. In our house we love each other to the most. 

A Night On The Edge

Last night my child pushed me to the edge. I teetered there for awhile. Sitting, watching, deciding. See she pushed me to where I had not ever been with her before. I was in unchartered territory. Right now most of you think I mean Elise…wrong! Aubrey was the culprit. 

Since she was a baby no matter what, I have been able to calm her. Usually all it takes is her seeing I am with her and she settles. Last night I listened to her cry for an hour. What was the cause of her meltdown you ask?  Oh silly people, it was tragic. Like I am talking anyone would be pushed to tears for a solid hour over this. See she cried out at 3:30 am for her Dad (shocking but true), she asked him for a water bottle. He promptly jumped into action. Then he had the nerve to GIVE HER THE BOTTLE…

Yes I am serious. 

This set off the longest hour of my life. My patience was pushed to that edge. See, she has had ridiculous meltdowns like this, but again, once I come quickly, chat to her, she settles and is back out. That did not work this time. All I heard through tears for one hour was "Tell Dad not to do that. I don't want a bottle….Dad did that."  This was like a broken record on repeat. 

I tried shutting the door. I tried gently talking to her. Then I was pushed too far. I had the lights on at this point, picked her up and said she was headed to time out. By now Elise had been long awake and sat wide eyed patiently waiting with Ben (she actually was patient for once). So I stomped out into the living room with Aubrey, headed for time out. 

As I walked I started my lecture to her. It went something like this - "Aubrey look at our house, stop crying for one minute and look. Look around you.  See it's Dark! This house wants to sleep. And know what it can't sleep with you crying. " then I headed towards our big picture window that allows a good view of the town. " See that Aubrey, even our neighbours are sleeping. See their houses are Daaaark. Because they want to Sleeep!"  I really started putting emphasis on some words. "And look….(I randomly looked around the room) see our christmas tree it's dark because it wants to sleep!!"  

By now she had quit crying. And stared at me wide eyed. I then continued to tell her that " you, Elise, Dad and i all need to be asleep. It's the only way to make our hearts and bodies happy and healthy. And right now we are awake. And WE are not happy!"

Finally I headed back to her bed laid her down and continued my rant.  "So if you want to choose to keep crying Dad, Elise and I are headed downstairs to sleep and you are staying here."  I watched her thinking then she quickly replied "Right and to watch a princess show?"  …"yes to watch a princess show and sleep without you!"

And it all ended with a quick "Alright Mom I go to sleep….can I have a baba?"

Resolutions

I have never been much of a New Years resolution kind of a girl. I have been quite against them.  I generally think it's like setting yourself up for failure.  So many people make these grand statements and it so rarely sticks. Although (hangs head) I will admit that I have had the odd year where on like December 28th I will make some resolutions. You know because then it's not technically a New Years thing. It was a goal set on just a random day, obviously making it more likely to be achieved. 

This has not worked…ever…

But this year I feel a bit of an urge to make some goals for myself. I feel really excited and energized heading into a new year. I have so many new things on the go, I have two amazing girlies, a great husband and just all around feeling pretty good about where we are at.  Sure I would love to one day sleep again (that's another blog for another day) but all in all we are doing pretty fantastic. 

One of the biggest things I really want to do is put in more time to the things I love. Photography and writing being at the top of the list (after time with my kids, obviously).  Mostly I realized while really struggling through PPD that I never felt like I hit my stride on my own. I fell easily into being a mom and love the job. But through my teens and young 20's I feel like I wasted a lot of time. I never threw myself into anything. And since becoming a Mom I haven't had a whole lot of time to do it.  I realized this Christmas was my 4th in a row either being pregnant or nursing.  

So, come the end of January I will be done nursing Elise and I am quite excited at some of the time that will open up. It will allow for me to do a lot more in the evenings (with Ben's help).  This break is also a test to see if I get to the point of feeling really ready for baby #3. Ben was ready like three days after Elise was born (ok maybe not quite that fast).  

Anyways I am rambling. I wish you all a very Happy New Year. And encourage you to make some resolutions…just not on the 31st those ones are doomed to fail. Make them on, like, the 2nd!