Week #8 (late again...)

I really don't have anything witty or particular mindful to go along with the pics this week. It's just a look at what's happening here. I probably don't have much to say because Elise isn't letting anyone get much sleep...

Abstract art at it's finest. 

This is her new thing, when she doesn't want to listen to me she throws her head up, like so, and marches away from me!

Pretty much everyday of every week we have a princess or ballerina in the house, or even a Princess that is a ballerina!

Week #7 Family Day Weekend

We were really lucky to get to have an entire Family Day weekend all together. It included swimming, pizza, movies, walks, adventures to find unicorns, magical fairies and butterflies (all were found but the butterflies).

Searching for the Unicorns, Fairies and Butterflies

I also had a little 'aha moment'. One of those times your kids stop you in your tracks and make you instantly analyze what you just did or are about to do.

Ben has not been feeling well so we popped him into a walk-in clinic. When Ben was called in the girls and I hung out in the waiting room. They were hopping between chairs and generally having a good time. Shortly after Ben left us a man walked out of a room from just being seen.  Aubrey looked him up and down as he walked past us, then asked "Mom why is he wearing pyjama pants?".

Elise believes in Jammie days, and wearing 5 pairs of undies on top.

Not wanting the man to be embarrassed, I instantly started to say "shhh" but barely got the sound out of my mouth before I stopped. I knew if i told her to shh, she would instantly ask why she should. . When I thought about how I would answer I didn't have a good enough answer to continue. I also thought if I say that would it have more impact on the man, maybe he would think I thought it was a shameful thing. I looked at her and replied "Well I don't really know why, but if I were to guess I bet it's because he is sick and just wants to be comfy.". Satisfied with my answer she went back to playing with Elise.

I was left to think of the impact me telling her to shh could have had. Would it have made her think it was a bad thing to wear comfortable clothing? That the man should be embarrassed?  Would it have produce a seed of judgment inside her for later years?

The rest of the weekend was much less eventful, unless you count the unicorn/fairy hunting.

I think she spotted a unicorn!

The Sick Wars

At the end of last week I had really started to feel a bit of a cold coming on. All weekend I tried to ignore it and went about my business. Obviously my determination alone would keep the sickness at bay, I would not give in to a weakness like this. I'm tough like that. 

Fast forward to Tuesday, Ben is gone to a conference for two days, Aubrey has school/dance, our house has no food, and I am in need of a doctor. Since I am clearly superwoman I arranged for my Mom to pick Aubrey up from school, dashed into Red Deer to a walkin, got a prescription for a sinus infection (F*$#), whipped through the grocery store, got Aubrey picked up then dropped off again at dance, then ran about making a gourmet (ok it was chill) dinner for my family.   And don't you worry I did this all with a big smile and super happy….

Fast forward again to tonight. It's now been almost three days of meds and I feel worse. All day I have felt the weakness that is a sinus infection take me over. Surprisingly this has decreased my mood slightly. 

Then on top of it all BEN starts in with a man-cold. First it was a few texts telling me he wasn't feeling great. These generally followed a text where I told him I didn't feel well. I had a lot of time on my hands today, the girls were easy peasy, but this left time to stew. Jump ahead now to Ben  walking in the door…"oh man hon I don't feel good…" sniffle, sniffle, cough cough. 

This is where my eyes narrowed, breathing became a bit rapid, my head snapped up from my super non-geeky crocheting, "Quit trying to steal my sick-thunder Ben!".  He laughed. He actually laughed at me like this was a joke.  

Then he started in on questions about how my sinus infection started, "did it feel like this…" "did you have a runny nose…".  The eyes narrowed further, this guy was obviously not getting my irritation. "Ben you have a cold, I have an infection which is obviously worse. Quit trying to be sicker than me!"  Then I walked myself to the bath and told him to enjoy making supper :)

Week #4 of Life at Home

This year I am making my countdown towards thirty. I'm not sure how I skipped from being 21 to almost 30…but I did. After my 29th Birthday Ben and I had in-depth conversation about what this year could look like. We usually do this together after each others birthdays.  For me I knew I needed to work my way out of some ruts, but also learn to push through discomforts. 

Pushing through discomfort is a really big thing for me. I have based many choices (more than I care to admit) on the fact that I may be uncomfortable, embarrassed, fail, the list goes on and on.  

Now I am a bit over 6 months away from my Birthday only to realize I have been half assin' this promise to myself.  Thankfully January has been different. This month Ben and I have made decisions about our family, I've joined an amazing circuit training class, and push myself in personal growth everyday. 

AND get this, last week I started crocheting. My sisters and I like to mispronounce it, say it more phonetically, you know to make it still sound like we have some coolness left in us and that it's just a geeky thing we thought we would try. But I, the girl who was given 'special projects' in Home-ec instead of sewing because I was so terrible, am a crocheter!  

Just imagine what next month could bring!

If you feel like giving me a little extra love please give a click to the smiley lady in the top right hand corner. All you have to do is click and it gives me a vote :)

Character... (and week #3 of pics)

I love books. I love movies. The characters I tend to really love are ones with characteristics I wish were stronger in me. So living in my bubble I assumed it must be like that for all people. Until my children came along and kind of upset my thinking. 

See, Aubrey fell in love with the character of Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Well the problem with that is, she kind of is like Belle. I read a character description of Belle tonight and it describes Aubrey quite well.  

Then I thought maybe Aubs is just weird and it was a fluke for her. Until this last week. Elise had a rough week, sick, teething, all that fun kind of stuff. In desperation one day I got out the iPad, showed her three options of movies, she picked Brave.  I didn't think much of it then. Until she sort of became obsessed. She asks at least a dozen times a day for a 'yo' (thats how she says show). Finally I went and bought her a book about Merida, which seems to mildly satisfy the addiction. 

This is her 'Mom pleeeease a yo?!' pose.

I kid you not, the description I read of Merida could easily be written about Elise. Now I kind of feel in a dither. 

Fine I'll read a book.

Where along the way did I step off the track? Or maybe I stepped on the track, one that so many people do.  As i think back to some of the characters I really love in books and movies, I feel like the qualities I admire in them (yes you can admire a fictional character) are ones I maybe had and lost along the way. Probably due to the fact I spent a large majority of my time worrying that I fit in, or didn't draw too much attention to myself, or was terrified I would fail miserably at life in general. 

As I inch closer and closer to my 30th birthday I realize how ridiculous I have been. Wasting time worrying about most things out of my control.  So, maybe the next step is to step off the track and see where it takes me….

Week #2

Aubrey and Elise are big story tellers. The imagination that sparks out of them each day never stops surprising me.  One minute I can be watching a ballet about a girl who wants to go to a grand ball, the next it's a story of magic that most people can only dream of. 

Before I had Elise (also while she was an infant), I used to do a lot of painting projects with Aubrey. Once Elise was old enough to participate it came to a quick end. Elise was has a lot more spunk than Aubs did at that age. A painting project meant spending an hour getting it off my chairs, walls, garbage can, her hair, face, legs, I think you get the picture. 

This week I decided it was time to branch out and try again. I am so glad I did. Elise loved every minute of it, she even ended with barely any on her. And Aubrey created stories with her paintings in a whole new way. 

Aubrey has a really great story about her painting. In the end it was an Angel who was guiding three golden stars. Actually I am not doing the story justice, she explained it all to Ben when he got home, luckily he caught it on video :)

Lisey really thought that painting was hilarious. She finished in about ten minutes, then sat there eating a cookie chattering away at me. 

Elise and I have two hours, twice a week where it is just her and I. During our time alone we do a lot of reading, snuggling, playing with dollies. It's all very exciting especially when you don't have to worry about sharing!

I kept trying to talk to her while taking this picture, she got very frustrated and told me "shhhhh, baby night!". Which obviously means 'lady be quiet my baby is sleeping'!

The look she gives me when she doesn't like an answer I give her ;)

Week #1

I was looking for a way to make sure I kept my camera out this year. Last year I found that I would go hard, then not touch it for a month. So, I decided that I needed a plan. I looked around at some of the 52 week challenges but was not keen on taking on a theme each week. Instead I am doing my own thing. 

Every week i will be posting either a picture or pictures that show a week in our life. It will definitely be a mix of the good, the bad and the ugly. Hope you are all prepared :)

Week #1....Fun in the snow!

The girls waiting on Lukey to shovel a path. 

Such good buddies. 

Finally in!

“Youth can not know how age thinks and feels. But old men are guilty if they forget what it was to be young.” 
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Some Might Call it Magic...

For the last month our house has been filled with a magic so powerful and real that it has cracked me open. I only wish that everyone could feel this magic just once in their life time.  Each day I watch my little family become further encased in this shimmery magic. 

I say magic because no other word does it justice. Yes it just so happens that we are in the Christmas season and I could give the blame to it, but I won't. I won't let Christmas take all the credit because then it will steal the magic away as we drift into January. 

The coolest part of this magic is that it has manifested itself in each of us differently. 

I have watched Elise absolutely come to life this season. She has beamed with the knowledge that she is capable of doing all the things the 'big kids' do. I watched her intently decide where to let gobs of icing stick to an ice cream cone so she could perfectly place candy as decoration, creating a perfect Christmas tree.  Every morning she wandered our house with such purpose just to be the first to spot Chocolates (our elf).  Each time she finished a new task her face and body took on an air of "i did that, I am so proud of myself".  She's also become so soft, Ben calls it "fuzzy". She has a new tenderness to her that was once kept for only Ben, Aubrey and me. That is something we weren't sure would happen any time soon! 

Aubrey has fallen so far into this magic I don't think we can ever get her back.  Her imagination has run wild.  I have witnessed scenes from musicals, christmas carols strung together to make one very interesting song, and new worlds come to life that I never knew existed!  She's also been very curious about the story of Jesus.  Many questions have been asked and answers have been given to the best of our ability. 

Together the girls have become this amazing duo.  I honestly have lost count of how many times I have turned around to catch Elise walking up to hug Aubs, or Aubrey leading Elise into some imaginary world. I looked up from a book one day to see Aubrey reading her own book with Elise leaning against her shoulder listening in. Their love for each other completely melts me. 

The girls have also been sure to take great advantage of the fact Ben is home.  Ben has been a great participant in fierce games of hide-and-seek, grocery store, dolls, candy land, and my list could go on and on.  The best part about it, Ben loves every second.

As we head into this new year I am so thankful this magic found us. I couldn't imagine beginning a new year any other way. 

An Old Friend

Last week I was lucky to be able to tag along to Mexico to an old friends wedding. I won't count how many years we have known each other because that will make me feel too old.  Through the years since High School ended we dipped in and out of each others lives. Always seeming to be there at the right moments, and like no time had really ever passed. Not in a "neither of you have grown up way", but in a way that's like cracking open your favourite old book and settling in for a good read. 

A few weeks before the wedding Jammey kindly asked me to take photos while she and her girls got ready. My first thought was "Yes of course". My second thought was "Mother of Pearl! What if I mess this up?". Then I thought she can't hate me if I do, it's like an old friend rule, you're not really allowed to truly hate each other. 

Anyways I was so glad to get to be a part of her day and watch the events unfold. There were so many touching moments throughout the day. Moments with tears, laughs, and with no other way to describe it…nerves!  I watched as Jammey took time to let each person know what they meant to her and it just blew me away.  Her heart was so open to all these people that it kind of took your breath away. 

As the time got closer to the actual wedding I noticed slight shifts in her energy. Not huge just small. By the time she got her dress on and the veil was being placed I could feel her anxiousness bouncing about the room.  Not in a hyper way. She held her body slightly tighter, her smiles were strained not in a bad way, but in a "I can't wait to do this" way.  

It brought me straight back to my own wedding day and those moments before I walked down the aisle. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like my muscles had tightened to the point they were not allowing for air to get in my lungs.  Not because I was worried about making the right choice, but because I KNEW it was the right choice. Because I knew I loved Ben so much that it makes you hurt a bit.  

I love that I got to see that in my old friend. To know that,as she starts her new life with Adam, she loves him that much. 

Bedtime Prayer

Ben and I long ago established a pretty solid bedtime routine with the girls. It's rare we stray very much from it. It usually starts with a bath, then teeth brushed, stories, prayers, and hugs and kisses goodnight.  I have also gotten into the habit of having conversation with Aubrey especially since she is older.  Often it's her telling me what she was most grateful for that day, or sometimes I will describe a moment in the day where she did something I was really proud of.  Tonight's bedtime routine brought quick tears to my eyes. 

I sat on her bed listening and watching as Ben and Aubrey began creating an elaborate story about a pink Unicorn and a flower, Elise lay on my shoulder watching the action.  Eventually the story shifted, Ben began to make up a story that essentially told her about the 'Angel Tree' up at BDSS.  

When Ben finished the story I lay down next to Aubrey and began to explain that the Angel Tree her Dad talked about in the story was real. And that there are people all over the world who sometimes don't have the extra money to be able to do Christmas, and explained in depth that there are always many reasons why. I explained that we could go and choose Angels off the tree and help to buy presents so they could enjoy Christmas just like we get to.  I also explained that people don't always have an easy time buying food, going on to describe our food bank and how it works. 

I wasn't real sure she actually understood much of what I said. She seemed a bit glazed over and not in the moment with me. So, i moved us along to prayers. Aubrey has taken a liking to starting the prayer and has me finish it up. I asked her if she would like to start tonight, she quickly said yes and that she would like me to finish it. 

She wasted no time diving into her prayer.  I waited for the usual, normally it's talking about how she is thankful for a princess, or certain toy, or something we did that day. Tonight her prayer went like this - " Dear God, sometimes there is people who can't buy things for Christmas and Food. Please help Mommy, Daddy, Liser and Me figure out a way to buy them presents and food."

I love her too much. 

Pink Fish

We had a tragedy this week. Pink Fish died. The night before I watched good old Pink Fish flip around her tank. Next morning, dead. Aubrey and Elise had spent the night with Grandma Jackie, luckily giving me some time to think about how to handle our tragedy.

When I went to pick the girls up I decided to break the news to Aubs. She was not really that concerned, asked a few questions but not too worked up.

So being super bright we forgot to get rid of Pink Fish before the girls got home. As Aubrey sat down to eat this is how our conversation went...

Aubs: Mom I am really sad Pink Fish died. Remember that time I called her Ariel?

Me: Yep Aubs I do remember that time.

Aubs: Mom, I'm just really sad.

Me: I know hon. But I think Pink Fish went to heaven.

Aubs: Ummm Pink Fish is in her tank.

Crap what did I do! Insert a really long explanation about the difference between a soul and body. So many questions followed.

Aubs: Mom I don't want to die.

Me: Oh Aubs you are really healthy, and we will work hard to keep you that way.  (nope I didn't just stop there).  See I had a Grandpa Coleman who died. He was really old and his heart just wasn't healthy anymore.

Aubs : (Her Eyes doubled in size) MOM you mean Coleman, like Mean Coleman DIED!!

Me: No a different Coleman.  SO what should we have for lunch?!

Feel free to send Parent of The Year Awards my way.

Hello 29...

Well tomorrow is 'The Big Day' *insert scary music* I turn 29.  Feel free to shower me with champagne and gifts, it's my champagne Birthday 29 on the 29th.  I'm heading into the Birthday with a real mix of emotions. A) Holy Mother of Pearl this is my last year in my 20's, didn't I just turn 21?  B) It's all downhill from here, instead of champagne send your best wrinkle cream C) I still got one more year before I'm old like my sisters. 

First a little lead up to the Birthday day.  This week began with an awesome fight between Ben and I.  See he thought i didn't want to do anything for my Birthday. Like nothing. Nada. Zip.  You know because most people like to just sit around twiddling their thumbs.  Actually I don't call them fights anymore, we had a 'miscommunication'.  

Anyway it got sorted. I think. If you drive by my house tomorrow and you see me staring longingly out my window, please save me. 

Next I am working on a project. Sorta, kinda, only sorta because I hate committing to things in fear I won't follow through. I will have more on this project soon. 

Lastly, this last year has been the most challenging year I have ever faced. Dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety is a world that is so up and down. I have been blessed with an amazing support system in my husband and family, without them I'm not entirely sure how I would have gotten through the year. My girls have yet again succeeded in teaching me more life lessons in one year than you would ever dream possible. I am excited to see what this next year will hold for me. 

To Drain or not to drain?

Aubrey is absolutely convinced that anything can go down the drain, no matter it's size, including a human.  When I am home alone with the girls the routine is that I get Aubs out first dress her while sitting beside the tub, then take Elise out. See Elise has to go second or she has a fear she might miss out on something and throws an enormous fit. 

The last couple of weeks Aubrey panics that we won't get Elise out of the tub fast enough and she is going to head down the drain with the water.  Here is my predicament - The good mom would calm her child and reassure her this is not possible and maybe talk through the physics of this….then the other EQUALLY as good Mom has a little fun.  It took me a week to decide which I wanted to proceed with. 

So, two nights ago this happened again. I was tired and have been alone for a few days so wasn't really on my best game. I did hesitate though…Here is our conversation

Best Sisters

Aubrey :  (she does this nervous laugh/cry thing and talks really fast when concerned about something ) Ahhh..hahaha…Mom…ahh…Get Eliser outta the tub…

Me: (stare blankly deciding what to do)

Aubrey:  (panicky laugh is increasing) Mom..Get Liser out now…Hahah..she's ah gonna go down the drain…

Me: (Looks over at the tub, eyes widen) OH NO she is going down the drain (Mock putting my arms out to save her)…Liser don't go ….nooooo

Aubrey: MOM!! NOT MY LISER, I LOVE MY LISER!! I NEEEEED HER!

Dammit!  She goes straight for the heart and says something cute and kind, now I feel bad. I quickly grabbed Elise and became the hero of the story. 

Hide and Seek...Please don't seek!

I’m sitting in a way too busy coffee shop thinking of writing this really nice touching blog about how it’s been a year since I started writing. A year since PPD and anxiety crept into my life and got comfy.  Instead….I am going to write about hiding from my kids. 

Elise has been sleeping like a dream for about a month…only the worst kind of dream!! Seriously it’s so bad that even Ben is tired. He never gets tired…or he hides it super well.  Last week I lay in bed listening to Ben prepare breakfast for everyone, it was clear he was struggling. Elise was screaming, Aubrey was filling him in on something that she obviously thought he was not knowledgeable in.  So obviously being the good wife I am I got out and saved the day. WRONG! I rolled over fished my phone off the floor and texted Ben “Is it bad if I don’t want to come out so I don’t have to be around our kids?” Weird it took awhile for his response, I kinda started to worry he was thinking of starting the van up to take me to the crazy house (only to realize we lived there).  A simple  “NO” came through.  

The Tyrant

Luckily for me I have the world’s best husband, today anyways. He arranged for Aubs and I to hide out and re-sleep train The Tyrant.  I literally hid from her. I can’t handle sleep training. It’s the only parenting thing I super hate.  I can listen to her cry at night for about 10 minutes then I am in there like a dirty shirt ( I don’t really get that saying).  

Ben was a champ. After the first brutal night I swept in that morning and snuggled the heck out of her, until she pushed me away because clearly she has more important things to do like play with the handle on the window.   

Now after two nights I think we broke her. Only she one upped us. Now she would much prefer we don’t hold her while she falls asleep. Its like she knew that was the one last thing of her babyhood we liked. It was like a “eff you” if you won’t hold me all night then you get NOTHING!!

Well played E, well played. 

* Please remember to click the smiley little lady up in the top corner :)

A Birthday Gift

Today has been a really mixed bag for me. Today is Elise's 1st Birthday.  Obviously it is a major day of joy. I wish everyone could see the way she lights up when someone says "Happy Birthday", she claps and kicks and loves it.   She even smiles and claps along when we sing Happy Birthday to her.  No shame there, she loves getting older and the attention!

I can't believe how quickly things pass when it is a second child.  I find myself struggling to grasp on to her babydom.  Yet at the same time I love this older more independent  stage she is coming into.  

In this last year she has taught me so much.  I watch in awe the sheer determination she has when she knows she wants something. Sure it can be frustrating, but I also feel like it's a glimpse into a future of a young woman who will succeed at anything she decides to pursue.  She also loves equally. She doesn't have favourites.  She just loves ya good when she decides she is ready to love ya good, ha. She can be fickle with it all at the same time. She has a smile that lights up her whole face, it just takes her over. When I look in her big blue eyes i worry I may never find my way out. 

My biggest ache today, is my own hurt. I've kind of tried to ignore it and been quite successful for the most part.  I find myself trying to not regret the first months of her life. I regret that I was so torn up that now I worry that what if she didn't feel the same kind of love that Aubrey got as a baby?  Did she always feel as loved as I felt I loved her?  Did I give her absolutely everything I could?  I kind of feel a little angry at the same time that I couldn't just enjoy every last second of being a Mom all over again.  I feel cheated. Just thinking back to that time my heart hurts, it gets a little tougher to swallow while at the same time trying to stop the tears. 

Then I try and talk some sense into myself realizing that at the same time I also grew so much through Elise becoming a part of my life. I grew in a way I don't think I ever would have without her.  She gave me a gift. She gave me a new start. I will forever be thankful no matter how painful it can be to look back at.

Multiple Personalities

Recently I was thinking about getting back into the work world. I thought about how strange it would feel since I am just finishing up 3 years being a stay at home mom.  The more I thought about it I kind of panicked a little. It made me totally anxious to think about how I would ever survive an interview. Then I shook my head and realized why being a full time Mom is like the ultimate workforce prep. 

Think of this mock interview question: Ma'am can you work in a team environment?

Mock Answer:  *insert smile and nod*, why yes in fact. I have spent the last 3 years in a 24 hour 7 day a week job with multiple personalities….

Then that is where I would pause and reflect. Try and decide "Do I tell him the truth?".   What truth you ask. Oh you know that the multiple personalities all belong to one person. Who can't even read or write. One tiny thing that one moment is throwing their arms around you kissing your cheek…then BAM!  Literally 30 seconds later they are on the floor screaming that, and I quote, "Don't you do that to me, DONT talk!!!!".  Which obviously being told you can't have juice is a dramatic life changing moment.  Oh wait it's been another 30 seconds, now they are up and gleefully singing and dancing to a song they just made up on the spot.  Who doesn't need a mid-show song and dance?

See what I mean.  Multiple personalities. I will be able to work with just about anyone and not even be phased by them. 

*Also if you are feeling nice and haven't voted for me yet please go to http://www.toms.com/ticket-to-give/flags/4350 

Dream Big, Right?

I don’t know the first time I  felt the pull.  I know it was sometime in high school.  Grade 10 seems like the right number.   Probably because that is the time when you start to become a little more serious about, the terrifying, ‘what do I want to be’ thought.

I had big ideas. Ones that always felt too big for a girl from a town of 800 people.  Things that felt so largely beyond me that I simply daydreamed and moved on. Just to name a few, I wanted to make a film any kind of film, maybe a documentary. Heck that one is still on my list!  I wanted to be a mom, check. I wanted to be far far away, sorta check I lived in Halifax.  I wanted to be a healer of some sorts. Yeah I said healer mostly because that could mean so many things. 

One of the biggest things that has always and will always sit on my plate is to change the world.  Yeah big statement, one person.  I get the absurdity of it. I also feel creatively charged by the thought. Maybe its as simple as parenting my kids in a way that creates people who will one day actually take care of our people and planet.  Maybe it’s helping to make sure my community thrives. Maybe it’s helping another mom out there realize…well, she’s normal.  Maybe it’s building a school in a foreign country.  All I know is things like this are on my mind every.single. day.

Which brings me to my exciting opportunity. I was lucky enough to notice that TOMS was having a contest.  You could enter a ticket, one ticket. One that could change your life. This ticket, should you be in the top 50, will take you on a ‘Giving Trip’.  A trip where TOMS actually delivers and fits shoes onto children.   Amazing right.  Well I need help. I need one vote from everyone. You can only vote once. All it takes is a minute to put in one vote for my ticket.

Here is a link to go ahead and help create the beginning of a dream for me.
http://www.toms.com/ticket-to-give/flags/4350

Lost Love

Well it has finally happened. My daughter has gone and broken my heart. Shattered. Sigh. Ok slightly dramatic… but not really.  

Backstory:  My girls have always been really attached to me. Especially Aubrey, she still much prefers me over her Dad. She even says she is mine and Elise is her dad's. That hasn't changed.  Elise has, from the beginning, tolerated her Dad much more. Maybe even loved him.  

I have secretly (well try to secretly) really kind of loved this about my kids. I should probably feel badly for Ben. I guess i do a little. But I have always had a mental smug on that they wanted me more. That mental smug just got slapped off…almost literally. 

Yesterday for the first time…Elise wanted her dad.  I'm talking when she was in his arms if i came near she would swat me away. I even laid my head on Ben's shoulder and she pushed me away.  Put my arms out for her to come to me she swatted at me and turned her head. SERIOUSLY!!! 

I was telling Ben last night that the hold it has on me is totally ridiculous. I now feel like i have to win over a 10 month old baby!  He told me "hon, she still loves you…blah blah blah." I never heard the rest because i was annoyed. 

So, now i am off to win my daughters affections back. Wish me luck.

*If you are feeling extra kind today please just click the smiley lady in the corner!

Letter To Me

A letter to myself 9 months ago...

Kelly,

You are a month away from having your second beautiful baby girl.  She is going to add so much love, laughter and joy to your little family.  As she grows watching her interact with Aubrey will bring  smile to your face unlike any other.  Watching her grow and develop personality traits will give you a sense of pride that only a mother can know.

But, on your journey there is going to be struggles.  Along with the intense feelings of love and joy that your children bring there will be such an overwhelming, intense feeling that almost drowns you. 

You will shed more tears then you thought you had.  You will wonder if you are ever going to feel ‘right’ again. 

Finally you will break. You heart will feel like it’s a shattered shell so frail you wonder how there was a time it was strong. But was it ever strong?  Or were you always weak ?  These are questions that will plague you. You will think that you are different, that no one else has gone through the pains you are going through. 

You’re wrong.

If I could talk to you that day, from my perspective now, I would tell you how strong you are. I would tell you how speaking up and being vulnerable will forever change your life.  In so many ways you will feel freed. You will feel like the weight on your chest stopping you from breathing properly will suddenly be gone.  Sure its just the start to healing, but oh is it a powerful start.

I wish I could show you the emails and facebook messages you will receive form people. People who have stories like yours, people who just want to tell you they love you, and people who just put a smile on your face.   Because when you start receiving this outreach your life changes.   You see that there is nothing all that special about you.  You see that there are so many women who have struggled, and struggled hard.   Maybe had you seen these messages sooner a whole world of pain could have been avoided, or maybe lessened.  You wouldn’t have had to go so many months thinking you were alone.

But I can’t show you any of this. I can’t hold your hand and walk with you through those dark days.   Instead I hope you embrace this journey. Hold onto it and grow.  Because there is so much good that is going to come from those days.  Always remember imperfections are what creates beauty. 

“ And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin 

A Night On The Edge

Last night my child pushed me to the edge. I teetered there for awhile. Sitting, watching, deciding. See she pushed me to where I had not ever been with her before. I was in unchartered territory. Right now most of you think I mean Elise…wrong! Aubrey was the culprit. 

Since she was a baby no matter what, I have been able to calm her. Usually all it takes is her seeing I am with her and she settles. Last night I listened to her cry for an hour. What was the cause of her meltdown you ask?  Oh silly people, it was tragic. Like I am talking anyone would be pushed to tears for a solid hour over this. See she cried out at 3:30 am for her Dad (shocking but true), she asked him for a water bottle. He promptly jumped into action. Then he had the nerve to GIVE HER THE BOTTLE…

Yes I am serious. 

This set off the longest hour of my life. My patience was pushed to that edge. See, she has had ridiculous meltdowns like this, but again, once I come quickly, chat to her, she settles and is back out. That did not work this time. All I heard through tears for one hour was "Tell Dad not to do that. I don't want a bottle….Dad did that."  This was like a broken record on repeat. 

I tried shutting the door. I tried gently talking to her. Then I was pushed too far. I had the lights on at this point, picked her up and said she was headed to time out. By now Elise had been long awake and sat wide eyed patiently waiting with Ben (she actually was patient for once). So I stomped out into the living room with Aubrey, headed for time out. 

As I walked I started my lecture to her. It went something like this - "Aubrey look at our house, stop crying for one minute and look. Look around you.  See it's Dark! This house wants to sleep. And know what it can't sleep with you crying. " then I headed towards our big picture window that allows a good view of the town. " See that Aubrey, even our neighbours are sleeping. See their houses are Daaaark. Because they want to Sleeep!"  I really started putting emphasis on some words. "And look….(I randomly looked around the room) see our christmas tree it's dark because it wants to sleep!!"  

By now she had quit crying. And stared at me wide eyed. I then continued to tell her that " you, Elise, Dad and i all need to be asleep. It's the only way to make our hearts and bodies happy and healthy. And right now we are awake. And WE are not happy!"

Finally I headed back to her bed laid her down and continued my rant.  "So if you want to choose to keep crying Dad, Elise and I are headed downstairs to sleep and you are staying here."  I watched her thinking then she quickly replied "Right and to watch a princess show?"  …"yes to watch a princess show and sleep without you!"

And it all ended with a quick "Alright Mom I go to sleep….can I have a baba?"