Saturday, July 28, 2012

Bad Breath? At least you were told!


Communication is a funny thing. We use it everyday. It’s kind of this crucial thing.  It’s not really something that we can do without. I love communicating. I quite enjoy talking and gabbing like.  The thing is I just don’t get why everyone can’t just communicate the right way, my way.

Ok, obviously I don’t want everyone to be like me. But wouldn’t life be super if everyone around you talked the same kinda language?  There are some days I swear the people around me think I am speaking my own made up language!

Recently I have learned so much about my own style of communicating. I tend to be a ‘to the point’ kind of person.  Ben on the other hand he is a ‘every tiny single detail’ person.  What Ben can say in 20 minutes I could do in 2.  For the most part we respect this in each other and try our best to be tolerant of the other.  But there are so times we just ram at each other. 

My kids are a good source of self-reflection.  I see in them all of my great communicating qualities. Aubrey has my special gift of directness. For instance the other morning she was lying on the couch and Ben was in her face trying to talk to her. She lifted her little chubby hand put it up in-between them and said while holding her other had over her nose “NO daddy, pee ewe you stink!”  You see she wasn’t willing to have a conversation with her dad and his coffee breath! LOL What beautiful use of direct communication. 

Ben was totally crushed. I continued Aubrey’s line of conversation by asking Ben “Well would you rather her let you walk around thinking your breath smelled good?”  Ben did not find my joke quite as funny as I did. But seriously how do you make that better for him?  How do you make him think his child is not just being mean spirited?  Obviously it is not Aubrey’s intent. In her mind you just tell people how you feel and what was true to her in that moment was his breath stunk!

I tend to do this with Ben.  Usually I think more before I talk and say things as kindly as possible. But there are things that come out and they are harsh. But what we learned very quickly was that those conversations require major follow up. They are the kind that mean I have to then take the time to gently and thoroughly (SO THOROUGHLY) talk Ben through how I got to my ultimate direct statement.  I like to say I have to have ‘my court case ready’. 

Ben has also learned that sometimes with me he has to get rid of the flowery stuff, the decorative words around the actual point he is trying to make. Too many a time has he tried his old tactics and I end up confused or taking him the wrong way. 

All in all we have really begun to come to a point of much more understanding.  A place where we try to take the time with each other to make sure we both come out truly understanding each other. 

So, one day I will have a conversation explaining to Aubrey that maybe she could have just nicely said “Dad we need to have a talk about you and your coffee breath” rather than simply telling him “you stink”.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Something To Talk About


I have had some really amazingly heartfelt, eye opening emails sent to me since I started sharing my blog. I have been blown away by a few things.  I am hoping this blog doesn’t turn into a novel, bare with me.

First I found I got a tiny bit put off by people saying things like “I never knew you were in such a dark place…” or “I hope you start feeling happier…” You get the point.  I know their intention is one of love and kindness. But I felt the need every time to explain; I am not an unhappy person. I didn’t want people left feeling like I hate my life or that I wish I never had my kids. My kids are everything to me.  They can bring me out of the dark shadows like no other person can.  I can’t help but look at each of them and feel overwhelming amounts of love.

This feeling though, the one to justify myself. It got me thinking.

Why?

Then it got me thinking even larger then myself. Maybe that feeling I had when people reached out. Maybe that was why I never said anything at first. Maybe that is why so many women say nothing.  Let me explain that further.

There are two particular responses I got from family members. One from an Aunt and one from a cousin. These responses will stay with me forever. They impacted me in a way that truly solidified the leap out of the deep dark depths I was in.  I told them both this. But I doubt they truly understand how much they both impacted me.

You see they both have children. Some very close in age to my girls.  From the outside looking in both seem blissfully happy in their role as mothers. Like going from one to two (or more) was a piece of cake. Like the impact of change a child brings to your life is no biggie.  I even recall seeing my cousin with her kids and thinking “wow, why can’t I just be happy like she is?”

And she is happy, and she loves her girls like it’s nobodies business.  But one thing she said to me after reading my blog struck into me and lit a giant light bulb above my head. You see she told me a long time ago she was 2 and done.  She loved her girls and after the second felt like she just knew she was done.  But what I didn’t know changed me. It patched up a piece of my broken self.  She told me very recently all the reasons why. One thing I run over my head multiple times a day is “I never wanted to feel like I did after having my second again.” 

You see she struggled.  Maybe not like I did. Maybe not as deeply as I did. But she didn’t feel like herself. She hated pregnancy as much as I did. And her list goes on as does mine. 

After I read her long (such a long ;)) response I was blown away thinking, “Why didn’t she tell me those things before?”  Then my aunt gave me her stories again I was blown away wondering, “why did I not know these things?”
I think when we struggle in life we often think only of ourselves.  I don’t mean this the way you think. I mean it in the way that we think it’s only us. We look at people around us and assume they got it all together.  That they don’t have struggles or never have struggled like you have. I don’t think you could ever be more wrong.

Now these two responses brought me to a new point of healing like nothing else ever could have.  People said to me “oh every mom has a hard time adjusting” or “Ahhh it passes”.  But these two gave me stories, gave me their whys.  And it healed the part of me that felt alone. I no longer feel like I am the only one.

I never knew hearing other people’s hurts and struggles could bring me such peace. It made me realize I should have been vulnerable a long time ago. Say I don’t know maybe…15 years ago when I was a young teenager struggling just as badly. There is such strength in coming together and sharing our journey to who we are now.

The thought also came to me that a lot of my anxiety comes from such a deep love for my girls that it overwhelms me. Now why should I be ashamed of that? Yes I need to control the anxiety, but why not tell others out there who struggle that “hey you ain’t the only one, I got mine too!”.

There are quite a few other things that have been a big part of my healing process and I will write more about them in the days to come. I don’t want this one to drag on and on and….

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Heat Wave


We’ve been in the midst of a heat wave. Awesome. Summer, right?  WRONG.  My house is the proud owner of three; count ‘em three, irrational women.  My girls and I do not do heat. We just don’t.

We quickly learned that pretty well anytime it is above 25C Elise must be indoors and in some major air conditioning.  Poor little thing gets such terrible heat rash, and she writhes around in discomfort and pain.   She has a legit excuse for being crazy in the heat.  Aubrey and I….Well we love the fall.

Prime example of our irrational behaviour.  Get your canvas ready while I paint this pretty picture for you.

There I am sitting on my couch blissfully nursing Elise. Birds are chirping and singing their songs right out the window we sit by.  Elise gazes lovingly into my eyes, she even stops nursing the odd time to give me a beautiful heartwarming smile.   Heck to make this picture even prettier let’s pretend my house is not a bat cave, instead there is beautiful morning sun hitting Elise and I just right. Make us look like a picture in a magazine.

Then it begins.  The squawking irrational seagull that has snuck into my house starts its not so beautiful song. Then it begins flopping around my living room.  Soon it realizes flopping on the floor is not enough. If it’s going to get anyone’s attention it’s going to need physical contact.  It finds my legs and begins to writhe and literally roll back and forth across my legs.

Sigh.

Luckily I have gotten really good at ignoring squawking seagulls! OK it’s not a bird, no it’s not a plane, and sadly not superman either….it’s Aubrey.
Even a slushy didn't help!

The crying and screeching continued on and on and on. So much so that I think she sometimes forgot why she started (which was because she suddenly realized she was not wearing a dress).  While she was in the midst of this breakdown she would briefly stop to give Elise a kiss and whisper “Aubby loves you sister”. Sweet right.
Then she moved onto the gate at the top of our stairs so she could yell at her dad.

Dad…daddy…daaaaaaddddd…..silence….giggle…realization …..cry….sob….daaaaaddd….giggle…..daaaaddd

Giggle. Weird right?  Nope she realized if in between sobs she breathed into a hole in the gate just right it made a funny noise. Who says you can’t have fun while you are having a meltdown?!

The kid slays me, she really does.  But my humor has been lost in the heat.  I finished nursing. Aubrey had already beaten her dad down and was downstairs with him.  Elise fell asleep like a nice calm child, I put her in her bouncy chair, carried her downstairs and told Ben goodbye.  He knew better then to ask anymore detail.  And I made my escape… 

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Hospital Lab + Toddler = Awesomeness!


Picture this.

1 peacefully sleeping infant in her car seat. 1 toddler screaming like the world is coming to and end. 1 mother sitting on the bathroom floor shifting between the edge of tears and the urge to walk away saying “fuck it”.  All in a bathroom at the lab in the hospital.

You know the one with the little door to put the sample in.

That pretty little image I just painted was the girls and I. Aubrey has been complaining so I took her to the doctor and they wanted a urine sample. Easy peasy right. She’s mostly potty trained should have taken 5 minutes.  WRONG

I had Aubrey propped up on the toilet with the collection tub underneath her. I sat on the floor in front of her begging, then threatening, then bribing trying to get her to pee. She started out rational telling me “NO I’n not!”  Then it turned into uncontrollable sobbing and her telling me it hurt.  So while she’s bawling and yelling “my legs, my legs hurt, my legs” on repeat I keep hearing the technicians opening and closing the little door waiting for the sample. Right like there is going to be a little cup in there when on the other side they can clearly hear this child in melt down mode and her mother bartering with her. 

With every click of their little door I became closer and closer to tears. Finally I gave up I redressed Aubrey and walked out. I asked them if I could come back. They sent me out the door with the collection cup and the little tub to catch it in that makes it easier with kids. So a light bulb went off. I was gonna outsmart this kid. As soon as she was off the toilet she was happy and not crying, I'm talking literally the second her feet hit the floor. Brat, she knew she out did me.

So, it was lunchtime. I grabbed food through a drive through. that’s right I got a toy, a pink toy!  I parked the van undressed Aubrey had her sit on the van floor eating and drinking while I nursed Elise.   She quickly inhaled her food and her entire drink. I tucked Elise away and now the outsmarting was to begin

I enticingly unwrapped the toy in front of her. Exposing it and all it’s pinkness. Instantly she grabbed for it. I took it out of her reach and explained she could have it if she sat on the little potty and peed for me. OK so it’s not intended to be a child’s potty but it was the only way.  She went for it!

There I am trying to make a flimsy plastic tub into a Childs potty, while holding her up so she doesn’t fall over all in the tiny space in-between seats in the back of a van.  But I had success!! 

Two hours later I handed over a urine sample with a smile on my face. Who hands over a dang urine sample with a smile on their face? This guy does!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Sleeping Beauty


Aubrey once was a great sleeper. When she was an infant she really was a good sleeper. Then I ruined her.  I was always so anxious that she would stop breathing. When time went on and I got over that fear I started thinking if I sprung up to her every peep in the middle of the night and just held her for a minute she would not wake up too much.

I have since discovered, well other than the fact I ruined her, she is a noisy sleeper.  My bad.  But now she STILL wakes up. ALL. THE. TIME. 

Ok sometimes it feels like that but really it’s mostly just that she wakes up to come into bad with us and then goes back to sleep. There are bad nights though where she sneaks into our bed then thinks we should all have a good chat about princesses, dresses and the list could go on.

I find myself complaining about this. Probably too often.  Then I discovered something this week.

I had been having a lot of trouble falling asleep.  I have been having a lot of anxiety over something happening to the girls. Irrational things.  Like Elise not breathing, Aubrey being kidnapped in the middle of the night, a fire in the house and I can’t get to Aubrey. And again the list could go on and on. 
Elise and I having a little nap

And as if on cue, Aubrey would walk into the room and climb into bed with me.  Now she doesn’t just lie next to me she wraps herself around me. Her legs twist around my arm, one arm goes under my neck and the other goes over top.   Sadly I have complained about not having room to sleep when she is with me.

But two nights ago I realized it is now the only way I truly relax into a good sleep.  The anxieties go away and I am comforted by her little chubby hand twisting into my hair.  I figure it is really only a short time in our life that she will do this and I really do love it. So I need to take the time to soak it up.  Although the only downfall is I do miss sleeping next to Ben. 

I feel like Aubrey knows that I sleep better with her next to me. Honestly for two weeks now when my anxiety has been it’s worse. She has not failed me and with in 5 minutes, or less, of me lying down in bed she comes in.  The other night I was propped up on my elbow looking at Elise in her bassinette waiting for Ben to get into bed.  I had the feeling I was being watched so I turned my head to take a look. There was a small head peeking around the doorframe whispering “mom…mooomm” with a big smile. When we made eye contact we both had a good laugh and she came and snuggled in for the night. 

Monday, July 16, 2012

Set Backs


Set backs are my worst enemy. I hate them.  I know they are unavoidable since I and the people around me are simply human, but they still suck.

Since I have ‘come out’ I have found that when I start to feel down or anxious or just anything other than great I talk to my mom and or Ben and explain the situation. This usually diffuses it or at the very least makes it so I can walk around and be a pleasant person rather than miserable. 

Let me explain that a bit more.  Before I was able to identify some of my issues and put words to them when I was triggered and having a rough time I became closed in, snappy and generally withdrawn.  This was hard on me, and the people around me.  But I found that as soon as I talked to my mom and Ben and they knew where I was coming from life became a whole lot easier. 

I was able to be vulnerable. I am not generally easily vulnerable.

I was able to let them see the true emotion I was feeling which is usually scared, sad, worried etc.  Instead I showed anger and frustration.  This has made a huge impact on my relationships with both of them.

But it’s fragile. Oh so fragile.  It’s a crystal vase balancing on a tight rope.

This week it got knocked off, it shattered big time.

Ben and I were attempting to make some plans for the week and I had told him my hesitation to some of the plans.  I told him I was not feeling up to a lot of it and at that point felt like I needed to just get past the week. I was in a real mode of not wanting to be around people.  It can feel hard to be around people when I am feeling so vulnerable.  Especially having people in my home rather than me being outside to meet up with people.  I feel like if I am out meeting people it is easier to escape if I need to. To know that I have an emergency exit. And when people are in your home you can’t exactly say, “umm I am feeling anxious and like I am about to crack into a million pieces…can you leave please? Oh and don’t ask me questions I don’t want to talk about it to you.”  For some reason that is just not great manners.

Anyway back to the argument. Ben had a hard time hearing this and was not quite on the same page as me.  He did what I had feared all along.  He used the depression and anxiety against me. This I now realize was not intentional.  But it was like he fired an arrow at my heart and he hit it square on.   It speared straight through and on it’s way out knocked that crystal vase down. 

We discussed and thought we had come out of it fairly clean.

Fast forward to a few days later. Our day started to go awry again.  And this was how I figured out just how fragile my trust and vulnerability was and is.  We both reverted right back to our old reactions. I was not given the chance, and never demanded the chance, to talk it out and give my reasons for feeling emotional, sad and anxious. Instead I was angry and put off. And Ben turtle shelled up to weather the storm.

I hate being vulnerable. I hate feeling like I am looked at different since I have depression and anxiety.  It’s like a big red stamp saying “fragile” got stamped on me and people try and avoid me or treat me like a child. OK that may not actually be the case but sometimes it feels like it.

So we are back to patching up that vase. Personally I would buy a new one but Ben hates waste J  

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Aubs Time


This last week or so I have had more time away form Aubrey then both of us our used to. This brings up all sorts of things in the form of anxiety. But mostly I just plain miss her.  I really don’t like time away from my kids. I truly enjoy being with them.   I’m not saying I don’t like or need a break every now and then cause I do. But I don’t think I have ever had one of those breaks where a quarter of the way through I just wants to be back with them.

So, this weekend I really wanted to make sure I got some Aubs time.  I had really been missing her.  And she has quite the little personality nowadays that is extra easy to miss. 

Today we decided to take her to a movie as a special date and we could have time as an entire family. The only problem is Aubrey is sick. Maybe the sickest she has ever been.  But I thought maybe a little venture out of the house would be really good on her. The moment I realized that it was pretty likely that I was wrong went something like this…quiet movie theatre, a tired sick toddler sitting beside her cousin who likes to pester her a bit, then it came just when the theatre was good and quiet…She yells at said cousin “Damn IT!” Sigh.
Aubs helping her Dad out

Exhibit #2 of realizing we really ought to of kept her home.  Ben has her in Home Hardware picking up a few items. I walked in a little later since I was out nursing Elise.   I get in the store and see Ben and Aubs fighting over a little cart. This is not unusual she butts heads with her dad all the time.  But this was different she wasn’t throwing a fit she was just devastated sobbing.  I walked in she looked at me during this, then Ben then just slowly laid down on the floor and sobbed.

The whole day pretty much continued like this.  I never became frustrated or angry with her, it was just too sad to watch.  But I was feeling a bit down that I did not get the kind of day with her I was hoping. But at least it was time together.

BUT the day was saved!

After supper I decided it was time Elise graduated to the big kid tub.  But I thought it needed to be an event!  So Aubrey, Elise and I all huddled into the tub together. Aubrey was ecstatic!  Seeing her smile and laugh in the tub with Elise and I made hauling her out screaming crying from Home Hardware so forgettable!  Elise even had smiles in the tub.  It totally made my day.

Aubrey and Elise

We then carried our family fun into bedtime. I sat awkwardly on the bed nursing Elise, while watching Aubrey and Ben lay together reading books.  She smiled and laughed and chatted away at her dad.  The best part, the best part by far, is part ways through this she was wandering around the room in between us and she stopped to randomly kiss both Ben and I because she was so happy.  And NO it does not matter and is so not weird that her happy unexpected kisses were on our feet…

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Perfection!


I think it is pretty common that most people are hardest on themselves more than they ever are on others.  This is basically how I live.  My expectation of myself is perfection.  Any attempt that does not reach this is devastating.

Again this is a red flag for me. 

I so admire the people who throw themselves into life and try everything and anything. When they fail the take the lessons and move on to the next exciting thing.  I struggle so badly to do this and I so badly want to be one of these people.

I feel like I can’t commit to something unless I will do it 110%.  Insert anxiety. Good God who does that to themselves.  I know others who put in their all but are also realistic they will have learning curves and may even fail but will move on and not feel crushed.

I can’t even bring myself to dive into something unless I feel it’s guaranteed.  I am even like this with relationships.  God pushed me something fierce to get me to go after Ben.  There was a whole other power working on me then because it was so out of the norm for me. I am thankful for that everyday. I just wish it happened more often.

I feel that I have coasted through my life doing the things I am now comfortable with and know I can do without failing at them. Here is an example. I had a conversation with my mom about working for my Aunt and Uncle on the show cattle circuit.  She asked me “well what was the worst that happened if you did something wrong, or forgot to do something?”  I thought about it then replied “I don’t know, because I worked my ass off to make sure it never happened.” 

Me at the World Angus Forum in '09

Now this gave me a great work ethic.  But is it a great work ethic when it is out of fear?  Fear that someone will think less of you if you don’t do everything perfect?  Or they will be disappointed?  What if my own Aunt and Uncle loved me a little less because I was not that perfect worker?  Or worst yet you will have something to hate on yourself even more for?!  What’s sad about the situation with the show circuit is I loved it, but I stopped myself from diving into the more advanced work and attempting to become great at it from an intense fear.  Fear of judgment. And Fear of what happens then when I have that many more things I have to try to be perfect at?  No one can keep up with that kind of thinking.

I feel like there are countless things I want to be and do. But have so many negative thoughts about myself and abilities that it will just never happen.

Then I feel tortured.  Because what does that show my girls?  What does it teach them about themselves and what they are capable of? 

I so badly want to be the person who jumps in and goes full force, if not for me at least for my girls.  I want them to know they can do and be anything. That as long as they try their hardest it doesn’t matter how bad they fail.  And I want nothing more than to be the one that shows them that by my example.  That is my greatest wish. By far. 

Sunday, July 8, 2012

The Half Brain


I am having a weird day again today. Shocker!  Pretty much 80% of my days are weird.  Today is a rollercoaster kind of a day.  I woke up after quite a good sleep thinking it was going to be a great day.  And for the most part it is a pretty good day, until it’s not. That’s the annoying thing about anxiety and depression. They are like sneaky little ninja thieves that try to sneak in unexpected and rob you of your damn good day you were trying to have.

What’s the name of that character on Batman, I think? Two Face? Is that it?  I dunno anyway I feel like that today. 

Half of me is so excited and feels like I am on caffeine induced high or something. I just want to get moving.  I want to clean my house, write a novel (not really), exercise, redecorate, and meal plan, go to the park with Aubs, take my girls on an adventure, I mean my list is endless.  I feel like I could even tackle starting my own business of some sort. And the best part I am excited about all the possibilities.  That’s how I woke up feeling today.

I even woke up like that after our stupid renovations went awry last night again.  That’s progress!

But while I am splashing around in the kiddies pool enjoying my day there is an alluring pull coming from the deep end.  Oh the deep end.  How I loathe you, but you are so comfy.  And that’s what gets me; it can be so comfortable and easy in the deep end.   Right now the deep end is what feels like home. Shudder.

So here is what’s floating around in the deep end with me today.

I gained back 3 pounds. Fuck. How depressing when I made a self-promise that this year was the year to get my body back to being healthy.  OK reality 3 pounds isn’t that big of a deal, but today it is.

Then there is the weekend.  There is a lot going on. And it pretty much all involved being around a lot of people.  Since I started struggling the idea of committing to being around a lot of people for a day is terrifying. It makes me feel like having a panic attack.  I just want the option of being alone with Ben and my girls.  Not having to put on a happy face and say it’s a great day.  I have NO idea what the day will bring so I hate that a few days ago we committed to these events. Right now my comfort zone is to tell people I ‘might’ be able to do something.  And since it’s Friday the panic is really setting in.  Which makes me look forward to Monday, which then makes me sad because I know Ben has to focus on work again. 


Also Ben keeps badgering me to make decisions about things to do with the renovations.  I don’t know how many times I have told him to just do what he wants and get it done.  I hate renovations.  On a good day I would love to give him some esthetic advice, but today I just want him to do whatever he wants and leave me out of it. 

So then my mind has a hay day with these things.  It tells me I am never going to get my body back, I will never move with ease again (back pain). It tells me there is no point in putting in the effort.  Then it tells me I am going to be stuck around people when I am having a shitty day and just want to be alone with my little family, but that I have no choice everyone else gets to decide for me. 

Obviously none of the above are totally true. And obviously these things that are such small matters are blown way out of perspective. But that’s what the deep end does. It magnifies things into a beautiful kind of a disaster. It makes you question if the tears can be seized and you will truly be able to have a carefree day again. 

Again, obviously if I can clear my eyes, I can see that there are so many days that I have that are great.  It’s just not always easy to keep them close enough that they can be a life raft in that deep end.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

A Free Spirit


Sometimes I wish I were like my 22month old daughter.  Seriously she teaches me an insane amount everyday.  But I also wish I were as free with my thoughts and heart as she is. 

The kid loves almost everyone. I think you would be hard pressed to find someone she doesn’t enjoy.  Which I now love about her.  If I am honest at first I would have preferred she not really like others.  Weird right?!  But I wanted her to myself.  Aubrey has a personality that people tend to connect to really quickly.  She’s kinda hard not to love. 

Aubrey and My Dad

I remember having times willing her not to like someone or connect to someone that I didn’t really like or was having a difficult time with.  And the kid was not picking up my vibes.  She loved relentlessly.  She loved on people so easily no matter who they were and what their story was that I remember it stopping me in my tracks. 

It made me lift the green veil I had been wearing and try to see what she saw.  I started to realize she was going to teach me lessons far beyond what I ever could have imagined.  I began to make a conscious effort to watch her around people who I had seen as people I could not connect with for various reasons, different interests, personality differences etc.  Somehow she connected.

Did she connect so easily because she had not fully developed her interests and values and personality?  Or did she love so wholly because she is young enough not to have become a self centered human like the rest of us?

Alright lower the feathers I just ruffled by calling you self-centered.  I have done a lot of self reflection over the past 5 or 6 years.  Some of it has been with a CBT therapist and I can admit I try to learn everyday to stop focusing on myself.  I have even slowly started to realize that in general when someone is lashing out at me or trying to change me to stop taking that on, it ain’t mine to deal with that person is dealing with their own issues. And likely are lashing out due to something happening in their lives. 

So has Aubrey cut out the shit and just gone straight to pure and simple compassion and empathy for people? 

I like to think she has. I like to think she doesn’t care who you are she’s gonna love on you regardless. So far that’s how she lives.  I am completely envious that she knows how to show people such acceptance when she is not even 2!  Ah well another thing to strive for.
Aubs now...and her favorite Belle!

But, I also wish I could be as vocal as she.  She tells you what she thinks and feels pretty much no matter what.  I don’t think this is exclusive to her I think a lot of kids are like this. I just spend my time with her and she is my example.

Here’s what I mean.  Picture this. We are at a play rehearsal with the entire cast. Aubrey and Ben sit at the front facing everyone. She gets a hold of a pink marker and chooses to put on a little makeup.  Ben takes the marker away. Aubrey shakes her head and turns away saying in a calm and even voice, “Gosh you’re bossy”.  Sigh, I love her.

Just as easily as she can express her distaste for our bossiness she can get so easily excited and lets us know.  Ben took her to the farm the other day.  As he was getting his shoes on to leave Aubrey began to walk by into another room. Ben stopped her and said, “Aubs say bye to dad” She stopped looked at him threw her hands in the air and exclaimed, “I got cheese!!”  (She doesn’t get cheese very often)  and then continued to do a little dance in the doorway. 

Come on don’t you wish you could do a little dance no matter where you are when you get a good piece of cheese?

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Cupboard Man


Yesterday was a rough day.  I am not even sure how it became a rough day.  I woke up and thought it was just like any other day, and then it kind of progressed into suckiness.

Ben has started doing renovations in our house. I hate renovations.  I told him this before we were even married. I hate the chaos that comes with it.  But here we are renovating.  Right now it is a smaller project. But renovations nonetheless.  He is installing a second bathroom in our basement.  So this meant he had to tear up the cement in order to get to some plumbing work.

Fine right? WRONG… The day he tore up the floor was approximately 2 days after I had a meltdown and realized I was struggling with depression, so I was still entirely too emotional.  So I spent the day at my mom and dads while Ben chipped away at our floor. He assured me everything was sealed up and it would be a quick and easy task.   Fast forward to me walking in the house 5 hours later… tears commenced.  The room was not quite as airtight as he thought and every single surface, toy, curtain, wall, you get the point was covered in dust. 
 The boss of the renovation.

So we jumped that hurdle with a little help from family and moved on.  Until the last two days when our basement began to have the most putrid smell.  On day two of the awful smell I snapped.  Ben’s response “what do you want me to do about it?”…sigh… I respond, “Ben no matter how much you would like to think the smell is from some imaginary cat piss it is not, do something, call someone I don’t care. Or I am headed to a hotel!” 

I think that was when the day started to head downhill. 

Then he told me that some guy was going to be popping over to look at our kitchen and talk about cupboards.  Since Elise was born I have not particularly wanted to be around people.  Not even people I am super close to. So it was obviously not a shocker I was not overly impressed to spend some time with the cupboard man.  Especially with a toddler who was starting to get sick again and a house that needed a little TLC.  I hate not having a clean house, especially when people are coming over.

Right here, this is where you can start being embarrassed for Ben and I. 

It was a lovely afternoon out.  Our windows were wide open so we could enjoy a cool breeze.  Then our argument commenced.  Just as we were getting to the height of our argument and I am in the middle of telling Ben “stop it, please stop trying to convince me, I don’t care about cupboard man and I don’t wanna hear it” and Ben over top of my voice is reasoning all of his things about cupboard man and why it’s a good idea. And I will admit at this point since we are both foolishly trying to talk over top of each other we were loud…to loud.  We never heard the tires crunching over the gravel, or the footsteps up the walk.  All we heard, in unison with my saying all of the above, was the freaking doorbell… why helllooo cupboard man. Sigh

Monday, July 2, 2012

The Nursing Connection


**Note: This was written almost a month ago I am uploading backed up blogs. 

I have said many times that going through all of this has not had an effect on my connection with my girls.  I still stand by this. And actually I think in some ways it maybe brought me closer to them.  But there have been a few things that have been hard.

This was another signal to me that something was wrong. 

When Aubrey was born I had a really difficult time with breastfeeding.  She was a lazy latcher, which was just the beginning of our problems.  We would literally have to strip her down naked, put a wet cloth on her in an attempt to get her to wake enough that she would eat.  Then from inexperience I never realized she was not latching on properly.  So, I ended up being in pain for a solid 4 weeks.  I had cuts that have left scars, I had two rounds of mastitis and I never quit. 

I never once sat there and thought I don’t want to do this. I was so determined to breastfeed.  Don’t get me wrong I cried every single time I had to feed her; the pain was intense and never ending. No one tells you how hard nursing can be.  Again not once did I even cringe having to get up to feed her in the middle of the night.  I loved that time with her. I loved knowing that I was the only one who could give her the one thing she absolutely had to have.

That is how I knew something was different this time.  I loved nursing so much.

This time, I think it was in week two, I remember Ben waking me up holding Elise out to me telling me it was time to nurse again.  I laid there trying not to cry and choking out “I just don’t want to do it, I don’t feel like I can get myself out of the bed”.  Ahhh, devastation…. Who doesn’t want to jump instantly out of bed to nourish their sweet baby?

A little more background.  I have had back pain that is so severe, some days If I get down on the ground I literally can not get up.  This has now been going on for over two years. It started when I was half way through my pregnancy with Aubrey.  Living in pain does not help depression.  So a big part of not wanting to get out of bed is that basically any position but laying hurts.

Either way even though it was not technically depression making me want to stay in the bed, it made things worse.  It made me so angry. I feel like I am being robbed of the pleasant experience of nursing that I eventually had with Aubrey.  I have a hard time even reliving that night.  It springs tears into my eyes. Especially now as I sit on my bed with both girls fast asleep next to me. 

It’s so emotional because I know the experience can be better. I know that it is possible to feel ready at any given moment to jump up and tend to your child’s every little need. 

Now at 6 weeks (today, yay) things are a bit better.  I enjoy my time nursing. Every day I feel more and more in love with my girls. Which I honestly do not know how that is possible.   I read today in a book an author talking about how you grow a whole new heart with each child, I love that. I feel like I love each of my girls differently because they are different form each other.  So thinking they each have a different heart makes me smile.