Some Might Call it Magic...

For the last month our house has been filled with a magic so powerful and real that it has cracked me open. I only wish that everyone could feel this magic just once in their life time.  Each day I watch my little family become further encased in this shimmery magic. 

I say magic because no other word does it justice. Yes it just so happens that we are in the Christmas season and I could give the blame to it, but I won't. I won't let Christmas take all the credit because then it will steal the magic away as we drift into January. 

The coolest part of this magic is that it has manifested itself in each of us differently. 

I have watched Elise absolutely come to life this season. She has beamed with the knowledge that she is capable of doing all the things the 'big kids' do. I watched her intently decide where to let gobs of icing stick to an ice cream cone so she could perfectly place candy as decoration, creating a perfect Christmas tree.  Every morning she wandered our house with such purpose just to be the first to spot Chocolates (our elf).  Each time she finished a new task her face and body took on an air of "i did that, I am so proud of myself".  She's also become so soft, Ben calls it "fuzzy". She has a new tenderness to her that was once kept for only Ben, Aubrey and me. That is something we weren't sure would happen any time soon! 

Aubrey has fallen so far into this magic I don't think we can ever get her back.  Her imagination has run wild.  I have witnessed scenes from musicals, christmas carols strung together to make one very interesting song, and new worlds come to life that I never knew existed!  She's also been very curious about the story of Jesus.  Many questions have been asked and answers have been given to the best of our ability. 

Together the girls have become this amazing duo.  I honestly have lost count of how many times I have turned around to catch Elise walking up to hug Aubs, or Aubrey leading Elise into some imaginary world. I looked up from a book one day to see Aubrey reading her own book with Elise leaning against her shoulder listening in. Their love for each other completely melts me. 

The girls have also been sure to take great advantage of the fact Ben is home.  Ben has been a great participant in fierce games of hide-and-seek, grocery store, dolls, candy land, and my list could go on and on.  The best part about it, Ben loves every second.

As we head into this new year I am so thankful this magic found us. I couldn't imagine beginning a new year any other way. 

An Old Friend

Last week I was lucky to be able to tag along to Mexico to an old friends wedding. I won't count how many years we have known each other because that will make me feel too old.  Through the years since High School ended we dipped in and out of each others lives. Always seeming to be there at the right moments, and like no time had really ever passed. Not in a "neither of you have grown up way", but in a way that's like cracking open your favourite old book and settling in for a good read. 

A few weeks before the wedding Jammey kindly asked me to take photos while she and her girls got ready. My first thought was "Yes of course". My second thought was "Mother of Pearl! What if I mess this up?". Then I thought she can't hate me if I do, it's like an old friend rule, you're not really allowed to truly hate each other. 

Anyways I was so glad to get to be a part of her day and watch the events unfold. There were so many touching moments throughout the day. Moments with tears, laughs, and with no other way to describe it…nerves!  I watched as Jammey took time to let each person know what they meant to her and it just blew me away.  Her heart was so open to all these people that it kind of took your breath away. 

As the time got closer to the actual wedding I noticed slight shifts in her energy. Not huge just small. By the time she got her dress on and the veil was being placed I could feel her anxiousness bouncing about the room.  Not in a hyper way. She held her body slightly tighter, her smiles were strained not in a bad way, but in a "I can't wait to do this" way.  

It brought me straight back to my own wedding day and those moments before I walked down the aisle. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like my muscles had tightened to the point they were not allowing for air to get in my lungs.  Not because I was worried about making the right choice, but because I KNEW it was the right choice. Because I knew I loved Ben so much that it makes you hurt a bit.  

I love that I got to see that in my old friend. To know that,as she starts her new life with Adam, she loves him that much. 

Bedtime Prayer

Ben and I long ago established a pretty solid bedtime routine with the girls. It's rare we stray very much from it. It usually starts with a bath, then teeth brushed, stories, prayers, and hugs and kisses goodnight.  I have also gotten into the habit of having conversation with Aubrey especially since she is older.  Often it's her telling me what she was most grateful for that day, or sometimes I will describe a moment in the day where she did something I was really proud of.  Tonight's bedtime routine brought quick tears to my eyes. 

I sat on her bed listening and watching as Ben and Aubrey began creating an elaborate story about a pink Unicorn and a flower, Elise lay on my shoulder watching the action.  Eventually the story shifted, Ben began to make up a story that essentially told her about the 'Angel Tree' up at BDSS.  

When Ben finished the story I lay down next to Aubrey and began to explain that the Angel Tree her Dad talked about in the story was real. And that there are people all over the world who sometimes don't have the extra money to be able to do Christmas, and explained in depth that there are always many reasons why. I explained that we could go and choose Angels off the tree and help to buy presents so they could enjoy Christmas just like we get to.  I also explained that people don't always have an easy time buying food, going on to describe our food bank and how it works. 

I wasn't real sure she actually understood much of what I said. She seemed a bit glazed over and not in the moment with me. So, i moved us along to prayers. Aubrey has taken a liking to starting the prayer and has me finish it up. I asked her if she would like to start tonight, she quickly said yes and that she would like me to finish it. 

She wasted no time diving into her prayer.  I waited for the usual, normally it's talking about how she is thankful for a princess, or certain toy, or something we did that day. Tonight her prayer went like this - " Dear God, sometimes there is people who can't buy things for Christmas and Food. Please help Mommy, Daddy, Liser and Me figure out a way to buy them presents and food."

I love her too much. 

Photo Blog

I decided I needed to just post a bunch of pics for now. Hopefully have some blogs with a little more to it very soon!

This was Elise and I's first day at home without Aubrey. Aubrey started Pre-school...we were lonely. 

Mining for Gems at the corn maze!

Why wear only one, when you can wear it all?

Ben tried to tell me I couldn't rock Elise to sleep anymore...He doesn't know I still do at nap time :)

Best sisters. 

Pink Fish

We had a tragedy this week. Pink Fish died. The night before I watched good old Pink Fish flip around her tank. Next morning, dead. Aubrey and Elise had spent the night with Grandma Jackie, luckily giving me some time to think about how to handle our tragedy.

When I went to pick the girls up I decided to break the news to Aubs. She was not really that concerned, asked a few questions but not too worked up.

So being super bright we forgot to get rid of Pink Fish before the girls got home. As Aubrey sat down to eat this is how our conversation went...

Aubs: Mom I am really sad Pink Fish died. Remember that time I called her Ariel?

Me: Yep Aubs I do remember that time.

Aubs: Mom, I'm just really sad.

Me: I know hon. But I think Pink Fish went to heaven.

Aubs: Ummm Pink Fish is in her tank.

Crap what did I do! Insert a really long explanation about the difference between a soul and body. So many questions followed.

Aubs: Mom I don't want to die.

Me: Oh Aubs you are really healthy, and we will work hard to keep you that way.  (nope I didn't just stop there).  See I had a Grandpa Coleman who died. He was really old and his heart just wasn't healthy anymore.

Aubs : (Her Eyes doubled in size) MOM you mean Coleman, like Mean Coleman DIED!!

Me: No a different Coleman.  SO what should we have for lunch?!

Feel free to send Parent of The Year Awards my way.

First Days

My house feels quiet. Which is ridiculous because I can hear Elise smashing toys about as she plays in the little wooden kitchen.  But it feels quiet. 

Today I dropped Aubrey off at her first day of pre-school.  Now I know this should not really feel like a big day, but I am kind of sad.  Yes it's only two hours, yes it's only two days a week, but it's the beginning of her being gone all day, five days a week.  It all feels too close. If I could just push it away for just a bit longer. Keep her naive and carefree just a bit longer.  

I feel most sad for what I know will come.  The things that seem inevitable. Things that will shape her that are out of my control.  I know the best I can do is be ready, ready to teach her how to respond, how to cope, how to stay light hearted and joyous. 

So, today a letter for my girl.

Aubrey,

Today you start pre-school. It's a big day. One that you are so ready for. You have felt ready for school the last year.  You were so excited this morning, even made your Dad play school all morning until it was time to go. 

You worried for your Mamma, asked me quite a few times if I was sad.  I explained multiple times, that I was sad but sometimes it's ok to be sad. 

I want you to remember that there are so many exciting things about school.  But also that there will be challenges.  There will be times that another kid is not so nice. But remember there are times you can be not so nice. This doesn't mean that they, or you, are a bad person. Give second chances, give third chances. I think being giving is the most important thing to remember.  

Love you to the most,

Mom

P.S. Remember that even if none of the other kids do, it's ok to break out into song whenever you feel like!

Hello 29...

Well tomorrow is 'The Big Day' *insert scary music* I turn 29.  Feel free to shower me with champagne and gifts, it's my champagne Birthday 29 on the 29th.  I'm heading into the Birthday with a real mix of emotions. A) Holy Mother of Pearl this is my last year in my 20's, didn't I just turn 21?  B) It's all downhill from here, instead of champagne send your best wrinkle cream C) I still got one more year before I'm old like my sisters. 

First a little lead up to the Birthday day.  This week began with an awesome fight between Ben and I.  See he thought i didn't want to do anything for my Birthday. Like nothing. Nada. Zip.  You know because most people like to just sit around twiddling their thumbs.  Actually I don't call them fights anymore, we had a 'miscommunication'.  

Anyway it got sorted. I think. If you drive by my house tomorrow and you see me staring longingly out my window, please save me. 

Next I am working on a project. Sorta, kinda, only sorta because I hate committing to things in fear I won't follow through. I will have more on this project soon. 

Lastly, this last year has been the most challenging year I have ever faced. Dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety is a world that is so up and down. I have been blessed with an amazing support system in my husband and family, without them I'm not entirely sure how I would have gotten through the year. My girls have yet again succeeded in teaching me more life lessons in one year than you would ever dream possible. I am excited to see what this next year will hold for me. 

Happy 3rd Birthday

Dear Aubrey

No one can prepare you for the day you become a parent. People throw all kinds of advice at you, but it doesn't matter. No person is ever prepared for that moment when another life, one you created and nurtured with every breath of every day, is laid upon you for the first time.  I remember being so overcome, almost like I was watching someone else.  

While I was pregnant with you I talked to you a lot. Almost always these conversations happened in my head. When you were born it felt like we were still connected in the same way. It's a bit unexplainable but I pray there is a day my words won't be needed and you will know this feeling on your own.  

Watching you grow for three years now has been without question the most inspiringly beautiful thing I have ever seen.  Everyday you teach me why we are here. I see the way you love without question. You have a quiet way of making almost anyone feel like they are connected to this world and loved so wholly.  I hope you never stop.

Your imagination is so wild and overgrown that I sometimes wonder if we really do have unicorns in our house.  Your enthusiasm easily matches your daddy's, and that's saying something!   Your smile brings an ease and comfort to any situation. 

Happy 3rd Birthday.

Love you to the most. 

Mom  

To Drain or not to drain?

Aubrey is absolutely convinced that anything can go down the drain, no matter it's size, including a human.  When I am home alone with the girls the routine is that I get Aubs out first dress her while sitting beside the tub, then take Elise out. See Elise has to go second or she has a fear she might miss out on something and throws an enormous fit. 

The last couple of weeks Aubrey panics that we won't get Elise out of the tub fast enough and she is going to head down the drain with the water.  Here is my predicament - The good mom would calm her child and reassure her this is not possible and maybe talk through the physics of this….then the other EQUALLY as good Mom has a little fun.  It took me a week to decide which I wanted to proceed with. 

So, two nights ago this happened again. I was tired and have been alone for a few days so wasn't really on my best game. I did hesitate though…Here is our conversation

Best Sisters

Aubrey :  (she does this nervous laugh/cry thing and talks really fast when concerned about something ) Ahhh..hahaha…Mom…ahh…Get Eliser outta the tub…

Me: (stare blankly deciding what to do)

Aubrey:  (panicky laugh is increasing) Mom..Get Liser out now…Hahah..she's ah gonna go down the drain…

Me: (Looks over at the tub, eyes widen) OH NO she is going down the drain (Mock putting my arms out to save her)…Liser don't go ….nooooo

Aubrey: MOM!! NOT MY LISER, I LOVE MY LISER!! I NEEEEED HER!

Dammit!  She goes straight for the heart and says something cute and kind, now I feel bad. I quickly grabbed Elise and became the hero of the story. 

The Fairy Who Couldn't Fly

This fall Aubrey will start preschool.  She is beyond excited, nearly everyday she asks if it is finally time to go to school.  When I explain that it is not quite time yet she grabs her ‘packpack’ and pretends to go anyways.   The conversations and play that ensues is inspiring. 

A few days ago I was working away in the kitchen preparing what was sure to be a gourmet meal,  when I heard soft whimpering behind me. I turned around to see Aubrey with her shoulders hunched slowly shuffling into the kitchen. She looked devastated. I noticed she had a set of thin sparkly fairy wings strapped to her back, “Aubs whats wrong Hon?” .  She looked up with big watery eyes and in the quietest voice cried out “Mom….I can’t fly…”

I held in my laughter realizing this was something she was truly sad about.  I smiled a little and asked “Love show me what you mean”. With her head still hung low she began to hop on one foot “See Mom I just can’t do it!”  Remembering that this is a child with a great imagination I jumped into action explaining I was about to sprinkle some pixie dust on her head, everyone knows pixie dust works, so I sprinkled away.

For the first time she looked up, slowly shook her head at me while saying “Mom that’s just not going to work…” . Then she proceeded to walk away from me shaking her head.

It made me think of her heading to school and how it seems with every year kids lose their sense of wonder, their sense of imagination and creativity.  Other kids begin to tell them what is and isn’t real.  All I can think of now is how do I stop the little fairy in my kitchen from disappearing.  How do I, only one voice, continue to remind her she can do and be anything?  

Aha Moment

I had an 'Aha' moment the last weekend. It actually kind of crushed me a tiny bit.  But I am so glad that I have solid proof of where changes need to be made!

First, I have been thinking about self esteem for quite some time. Watching as my niece and nephews are edging their way into that adolescent zone.  I think I became so much more aware after having two girls and recalling my own experience. I remember the year I headed into grade 7 I suddenly had a chest. Grade 6 there was nothing, summer came and so did boobs.  I was SO self conscious. None of the other girls had grown a full chest over the summer and it felt wrong to me to be different. To stand out. I just had no understanding and the confidence to say "I love this new body".

Anyways. It got me trying to remember when it happens. When does that moment happen that you start to hate your own body. I watch Aubrey and Elise they have zero concept of body hate. Aubrey tells us all the time how she feels and looks beautiful, not in a vain way but in that little girl way where they are so excited to feel that way. And the believe it, they believe it with all their heart. And Aubrey looks at me all the time and tells me "Mom you look like a princess" or "Mom you looks so beautiful".  I have fought to roll my eyes in response and attempted to beat the thoughts out of my head that this kid is on crack. 

I want to be that little girl again who simply thinks everyone is beautiful.  Seriously how different our world could be. Think about it!

Back to my 'Aha' moment.  Last weekend I was laying in bed with the two girls reading our ritual bedtime story. Ben took out his phone and started taking pictures of the three of us together. And instead of looking at the picture as a precious memory of that moment in time, a moment that will eventually feel like a flicker of time, I flipped through them, stopping long enough to say "I look terrible!"  Aubrey asked if she could look at the pictures. I watched her study it for a few seconds then shake her head and say "I look terrible"….gutted.  

That right there is where it starts. 

So, I have made a vow to never say a bad thing about my body again. Not even a just in front of the kids promise. I mean never. It's a process, i have had to fight hard multiple times already to not say something.  So pray for me that I have the strength to keep it up…

Hide and Seek...Please don't seek!

I’m sitting in a way too busy coffee shop thinking of writing this really nice touching blog about how it’s been a year since I started writing. A year since PPD and anxiety crept into my life and got comfy.  Instead….I am going to write about hiding from my kids. 

Elise has been sleeping like a dream for about a month…only the worst kind of dream!! Seriously it’s so bad that even Ben is tired. He never gets tired…or he hides it super well.  Last week I lay in bed listening to Ben prepare breakfast for everyone, it was clear he was struggling. Elise was screaming, Aubrey was filling him in on something that she obviously thought he was not knowledgeable in.  So obviously being the good wife I am I got out and saved the day. WRONG! I rolled over fished my phone off the floor and texted Ben “Is it bad if I don’t want to come out so I don’t have to be around our kids?” Weird it took awhile for his response, I kinda started to worry he was thinking of starting the van up to take me to the crazy house (only to realize we lived there).  A simple  “NO” came through.  

The Tyrant

Luckily for me I have the world’s best husband, today anyways. He arranged for Aubs and I to hide out and re-sleep train The Tyrant.  I literally hid from her. I can’t handle sleep training. It’s the only parenting thing I super hate.  I can listen to her cry at night for about 10 minutes then I am in there like a dirty shirt ( I don’t really get that saying).  

Ben was a champ. After the first brutal night I swept in that morning and snuggled the heck out of her, until she pushed me away because clearly she has more important things to do like play with the handle on the window.   

Now after two nights I think we broke her. Only she one upped us. Now she would much prefer we don’t hold her while she falls asleep. Its like she knew that was the one last thing of her babyhood we liked. It was like a “eff you” if you won’t hold me all night then you get NOTHING!!

Well played E, well played. 

* Please remember to click the smiley little lady up in the top corner :)

Flashback Insight

An interesting thing happens when you open your mind to being truthful about yourself. You start piecing together parts of a puzzle that you had kicked under the bed in hopes of never crossing it again.  I've been dragging pieces out for awhile now. They kinda just keep getting more interesting. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like they could possibly belong to the person I am now. 

For instance…I actually kind of want to bang my head on a wall over this story while blushing fiercely for owning the fact it happened. 

I always wanted to go to post-secondary schooling. The thought was crippling though. How do you decide what your going to be? Especially at 17!  I kept finding ways to put it off. I had some amazing reasons and stories why it really wasn't for me.   Truth is, it terrified me to step into a decision and have to own it.  

So, I got really brave one summer and went and registered for a semester at RDC. I know right?  A whole semester. I was excited though. I felt like it was a good way to test the waters without having to commit myself fully.   I registered into an array of classes, tourism types, and one marketing class. 

I was actually quite excited about the marketing class. Until I got there.  Seriously I think I am blushing just about to write this because its so ridiculous.

The first day of classes was going great. I loved all of them and settled in very easily. Until I got to the marketing class. We were told the semester would be spent on group projects. We would pair up into 2's or 3's. My heart sunk. Then it hit rock and splattered when we were told we could choose the groups. Eff. 

Who would want to pair with me? I was convinced I would be left with no group. People looking and judging that I would not be a good group member. Yeah you know this class of 30 people really took the time in that 15 minutes to just zone in on me. Cue spotlight, dramatic music, and people pointing fingers in total disgust. Sigh. 

I did the only logical thing. Dropped the class. Told my Mom that I really didn't think marketing was for me and that I didn't want to waste time with it. Insert forehead slap.   I went on to finish my semester with  my name on the Dean's List and a mental slap for eventually realizing how ridiculous I was. 

Am I crazy?

I have been putting a lot of thought into why I chose to talk more about my anxiety. About why I thought it was important to talk about it. You see I don't know if anyone else is like me, i mean anyone else who maybe has anxiety or depression.  But I have some thoughts. 

See I am not being open in hopes of receiving sympathy from people who read this. Or to in turn be treated differently. In fact I hope most people who know me can just look at me and see me, as me.  I actually kind of despise the thought of people thinking just because I have anxiety I should be treated carefully and tip toed around.  

For me I choose to speak about it simply so that the person on the other side of the screen rabidly searching the internet to find out if they are 'normal' will stumble upon me and realize that it is so normal to go through this. Yeah you may need therapy, or whatever your choice of action is, but it really doesn't change anything else.  It doesn't make you a sudden outcast to have a mental health problem.  *Side note I really hate the term 'Mental Health' i think they should start calling it 'Normal people with sorta normal more common than you know problems'.  See I am not a victim to my problem, it is what it is.  All you lucky people who read this just get to hear the awesomeness of what can go through my head in a moment of anxiousness. 

I am a part of this really amazing Mom's group that is online, seriously it's awesome.  Anyway something stuck out for me recently.  I woman who is expecting again asked if there was such a thing as pre-natal depression, and went on to explain how she had been feeling lately.  A lot of women jumped on to support her in telling her how they were there for her, that it's just normal pregnancy stuff etc.  Which sometimes it can be.  I reached out to her to explain it happens and I went through it. We had a few minor exchanges that hopefully left the channel of communication open for her.

The thing that stuck out for me was - why when someone is reaching out do we feel the need to tell them everything is ok, and yep its just normal pregnancy?  Because we don't want them to feel bad?  Because we don't know how to deal with it if it is real? Does it mean now that that person is friggin crazy?!  

My hope is that one day when someone reaches out and says "I think something isn't right"  it can be addressed.  LIke for real looked at. No i don't mean instantly send you to a shrink. I mean like have a real conversation, ask more questions, listen to the person (like truly listen) and be a support that is going to make it seem like this is as common as a flu bug that just made it's rounds.  I hope that it can just be a normal thing, that you can talk about it like you would any other issue. I think it'll happen. 

Awareness

This past weekend I had an article forwarded to me.  Kelly Hrudey and his daughter Kaitlin are speaking out about anxiety. This week is Children's Mental Health Awareness week.  Kaitlin has chosen to speak out about the fact she deals with anxiety.  As I read the article it struck home with me in more ways then I thought it would have.

The further I went into the article I felt like I was reading my own story.  When I realized I was struggling with PPD and PPA. I was so relieved to say the words. And then come up with a plan on coping, well more then coping a plan to move on.  BUT…I almost cringe thinking of it.  I have so tried to convince my self that this was all just a pregnancy thing. Maybe the odd bout of depression as a teen but really who doesn't deal with that in the teens years?

Then I read this article and realized I was foolish to try and ignore my reality.  My reality is anxiety has been a major part of my life. And the more i think of it I think it start at a really young age.  

At one point Kaitlin says  “If I was supposed to go to a friend’s I would say they were people I didn’t want to hang out with anymore. I had all these random excuses, and my thoughts became so obsessive that I just couldn’t escape them anymore.”

umm….this kind of stuff was, and well, still is my life.  I remember having so much anxiety about events with friends or even school field trips that I would come up with all sorts of reasons why I didn't care, or didn't want to go, or was sick.  I feel so sad looking back that I didn't know that it could be different. That I could have had such a different experience in those years. I was so paralyzed by anxiety that I never was able to make a decision on going to university. I still regret that.  

Today life is very different. I have so many great things in place to help.  I just wish i had had them sooner.  It makes me really wonder though.  How do we catch these kinds of things at an early age?  I simply never knew that the way I thought was a problem, and could be worked through. I just thought it was the way i was. There is so much talk about mental health and how do we move forward in making it something easy to talk about. But I guess as having been a child who went through it, I don't know how I would have known to talk to anyone about it.  I was pretty good at hiding it with moodiness, and silence all typical teenage stuff.  

Off to think about this more. More to come. 

Link to article http://news.nationalpost.com/2013/05/03/former-nhl-goaltender-kelly-hrudeys-daughter-goes-public-with-mental-illness-battle/

also if you are feeling generous please give the smiley lady in the corner a click :)

A Birthday Gift

Today has been a really mixed bag for me. Today is Elise's 1st Birthday.  Obviously it is a major day of joy. I wish everyone could see the way she lights up when someone says "Happy Birthday", she claps and kicks and loves it.   She even smiles and claps along when we sing Happy Birthday to her.  No shame there, she loves getting older and the attention!

I can't believe how quickly things pass when it is a second child.  I find myself struggling to grasp on to her babydom.  Yet at the same time I love this older more independent  stage she is coming into.  

In this last year she has taught me so much.  I watch in awe the sheer determination she has when she knows she wants something. Sure it can be frustrating, but I also feel like it's a glimpse into a future of a young woman who will succeed at anything she decides to pursue.  She also loves equally. She doesn't have favourites.  She just loves ya good when she decides she is ready to love ya good, ha. She can be fickle with it all at the same time. She has a smile that lights up her whole face, it just takes her over. When I look in her big blue eyes i worry I may never find my way out. 

My biggest ache today, is my own hurt. I've kind of tried to ignore it and been quite successful for the most part.  I find myself trying to not regret the first months of her life. I regret that I was so torn up that now I worry that what if she didn't feel the same kind of love that Aubrey got as a baby?  Did she always feel as loved as I felt I loved her?  Did I give her absolutely everything I could?  I kind of feel a little angry at the same time that I couldn't just enjoy every last second of being a Mom all over again.  I feel cheated. Just thinking back to that time my heart hurts, it gets a little tougher to swallow while at the same time trying to stop the tears. 

Then I try and talk some sense into myself realizing that at the same time I also grew so much through Elise becoming a part of my life. I grew in a way I don't think I ever would have without her.  She gave me a gift. She gave me a new start. I will forever be thankful no matter how painful it can be to look back at.

50 Years

First, last week there was a lot of sadness and tragedy in our world.  If you really let yourself look in depth it can feel like our entire world is nothing but tragedy.  It's true there is so much that needs to change. So much that if you allow yourself to think about it it might just consume you whole. 

Last week one comment that really stuck with me was "It makes me sick to think of the world my children and their children will have to grow up in…"  There were many different variations of this statement.  This comment kind of stopped me in my tracks. 

First I was a bit embarrassed by myself because I have thought this exact same thing. Even had a bit of anxiety over it. Why was I embarrassed?

Well, the way I see it is (god willing) I have at least a good solid 50-70 years left on my life.  To be conservative let's go with 50.   Am I really going to sit back for the next 50 years and say "too bad this world my kids are growing up in sucks so much!"?   Am I going to passively sit around and hope someone else picks up the pieces of our community, school, world etc.   Or just already give up?! 

Honestly this thought never occurred to me until this week.   

Then it made me realize I am really not OK with sitting around for another 50 years feeling sick about our world and my poor children. Instead I want to make a difference. I want to work the next 50 years trying to leave our world in a better space.  I also don't want to raise my kids as a victim of our environment. Poor them. Pfftt. I want them to get their hands dirty. Be apart of transforming this world into something amazing. 

Maybe, just maybe if they are a part of it they will take pride in it. They will nurture it, tend to it with a gentle hands, embrace it with a loving heart, look at it with compassionate eyes.  I like to try and imagine a world like that.  Try it. It's a pretty cool looking place. 

Stripes

I have to be really careful around Aubs. She is really intuitive. She quickly senses any
shift in the energy of a room, around a person you name it. Today was an off day for
me. The girls had a brutal night and Elise is in high teething mode making for one
heck of a needy babe through out the day.

As the day went on Aubrey was really good. She played with a friend through the
morning while I was in a meeting, then she played happily on her own through
a good chunk of the afternoon. I layed down on the floor at one point with both
girls circling around me playing. Only to have Aubrey stop and start up a …touchy
subject.

When I got on the floor my shirt had slipped up just slightly, but I never noticed.
Aubrey stopped in her tracks knelt down beside me and gently touched my stomach.
You see mine looks different then hers, mine has marks. Right now I am mentally
hitting my head on a wall, like I really want to think about friggin stretch marks.

As she did this she said “Momma it’s ok you just have stripes” she stopped kissed my
stomach then said “You’re gonna be ok!” then sat and waited for my response.

You know I have read all the different posts on blogs and pinterest, facebook you
name it, all about how we should accept our stretch marks from childbearing,
embrace them even. I’ve tried, like really hard. But I hate them.

I love that I was able to carry my children into this world and that they are two
healthy little girls. I love that I got to feel what it’s like to have a little foot kick you
from the inside. I feel incredibly blessed to have had all the experiences that come
with being pregnant and the end result of my amazing children.

But, nope, still don’t like the stretch marks.

Although I will say I have come to terms with them. I accept that they are there and
just a part of my body now. So in response to Aubrey’s kind words I went on to
explain to her how I got them. I told her a story all about how her and Elise got to
spend some intimate time inside my belly and that it needed to grow to make room
for them, which then left me with some stripes.

She lifted her shirt looked from her belly to mine then said “WELL…we both have
belly buttons Mom!” That we do Aubs, that we do!

Brick Wall

I've been finding myself at this wall. It's a sort of brick wall, kind of pretty in the way brick can be. It has these cracks in it.  They are old cracks. You can tell they are old from the way the dust and dirt is settled into the broken parts.  At a first glance the cracks make me almost want to look away.  Some days I guess I do.  They just seem too…at home.  

But then I look closer, the closer I look at the cracks and broken pieces I notice that in the time I focused on the cracks I almost missed the best part. I completely missed seeing the way the cracks brought the wall to life. Without them to create shadows, and depth, and character, well it would just be a wall, a brick wall. 

I have the feeling if I can let go of the worry and angst of the imperfections on this brick wall something magical would happen.  That maybe vines of  beautiful flowers could grow through the space left in the cracks and create a mass of beauty.  Or maybe, maybe even more cracks would appear and one day just finally take the damn wall down and expose the hidden life behind it.  

*Please go give the smiley lady in the corner a click to keep my votes up on the Top Mommy Blogs site.  She likes the attention. 

Need a Push

If you had to pick one thing, only one, that you would say holds you back in life the most what would it be?  It's tricky for me. Yes, I have THAT many things. Le sigh.   I have been thinking about it a lot the last few weeks. The silly thing is is I have tons of tools to push my way past them. 

But, if I had to pick one it would be, I worry that "what if it's the wrong choice?".  Or even on top of that,  what if what I choose I am actually good at and succeed? Then people put a certain expectation on me that I can't live up to. 

Seriously this crap goes through my head like clockwork. It's like every time the 9 comes around the bird pops out and starts pecking. Yes, I know the bird usually cuckoo's and doesn't peck. In my case it pecks. 

So I am trying to cook something up that is going to challenge me. Something that makes me accountable in some sort of way. Where it's like I have to push past those things…or else…haha. No maybe a competition would be best. I try and pretend I am not that competitive but i really am.   I am open to some ideas….please help…  Or if you just like watching a girl flounder about keep stopping by the blog you won't be disappointed :)

Multiple Personalities

Recently I was thinking about getting back into the work world. I thought about how strange it would feel since I am just finishing up 3 years being a stay at home mom.  The more I thought about it I kind of panicked a little. It made me totally anxious to think about how I would ever survive an interview. Then I shook my head and realized why being a full time Mom is like the ultimate workforce prep. 

Think of this mock interview question: Ma'am can you work in a team environment?

Mock Answer:  *insert smile and nod*, why yes in fact. I have spent the last 3 years in a 24 hour 7 day a week job with multiple personalities….

Then that is where I would pause and reflect. Try and decide "Do I tell him the truth?".   What truth you ask. Oh you know that the multiple personalities all belong to one person. Who can't even read or write. One tiny thing that one moment is throwing their arms around you kissing your cheek…then BAM!  Literally 30 seconds later they are on the floor screaming that, and I quote, "Don't you do that to me, DONT talk!!!!".  Which obviously being told you can't have juice is a dramatic life changing moment.  Oh wait it's been another 30 seconds, now they are up and gleefully singing and dancing to a song they just made up on the spot.  Who doesn't need a mid-show song and dance?

See what I mean.  Multiple personalities. I will be able to work with just about anyone and not even be phased by them. 

*Also if you are feeling nice and haven't voted for me yet please go to http://www.toms.com/ticket-to-give/flags/4350 

Dream Big, Right?

I don’t know the first time I  felt the pull.  I know it was sometime in high school.  Grade 10 seems like the right number.   Probably because that is the time when you start to become a little more serious about, the terrifying, ‘what do I want to be’ thought.

I had big ideas. Ones that always felt too big for a girl from a town of 800 people.  Things that felt so largely beyond me that I simply daydreamed and moved on. Just to name a few, I wanted to make a film any kind of film, maybe a documentary. Heck that one is still on my list!  I wanted to be a mom, check. I wanted to be far far away, sorta check I lived in Halifax.  I wanted to be a healer of some sorts. Yeah I said healer mostly because that could mean so many things. 

One of the biggest things that has always and will always sit on my plate is to change the world.  Yeah big statement, one person.  I get the absurdity of it. I also feel creatively charged by the thought. Maybe its as simple as parenting my kids in a way that creates people who will one day actually take care of our people and planet.  Maybe it’s helping to make sure my community thrives. Maybe it’s helping another mom out there realize…well, she’s normal.  Maybe it’s building a school in a foreign country.  All I know is things like this are on my mind every.single. day.

Which brings me to my exciting opportunity. I was lucky enough to notice that TOMS was having a contest.  You could enter a ticket, one ticket. One that could change your life. This ticket, should you be in the top 50, will take you on a ‘Giving Trip’.  A trip where TOMS actually delivers and fits shoes onto children.   Amazing right.  Well I need help. I need one vote from everyone. You can only vote once. All it takes is a minute to put in one vote for my ticket.

Here is a link to go ahead and help create the beginning of a dream for me.
http://www.toms.com/ticket-to-give/flags/4350

Lost Love

Well it has finally happened. My daughter has gone and broken my heart. Shattered. Sigh. Ok slightly dramatic… but not really.  

Backstory:  My girls have always been really attached to me. Especially Aubrey, she still much prefers me over her Dad. She even says she is mine and Elise is her dad's. That hasn't changed.  Elise has, from the beginning, tolerated her Dad much more. Maybe even loved him.  

I have secretly (well try to secretly) really kind of loved this about my kids. I should probably feel badly for Ben. I guess i do a little. But I have always had a mental smug on that they wanted me more. That mental smug just got slapped off…almost literally. 

Yesterday for the first time…Elise wanted her dad.  I'm talking when she was in his arms if i came near she would swat me away. I even laid my head on Ben's shoulder and she pushed me away.  Put my arms out for her to come to me she swatted at me and turned her head. SERIOUSLY!!! 

I was telling Ben last night that the hold it has on me is totally ridiculous. I now feel like i have to win over a 10 month old baby!  He told me "hon, she still loves you…blah blah blah." I never heard the rest because i was annoyed. 

So, now i am off to win my daughters affections back. Wish me luck.

*If you are feeling extra kind today please just click the smiley lady in the corner!

A Disney Surprise!

I have always wanted to pick up and just leave. Like on a total whim, where people are kind of stunned you did it.   BUT…the ever anxious person who resides in my head never lets me follow through with this. Until…Lucky me, I married someone who DOES do this sort of thing!

Ben has been begging. That's right begging, to sleep train Elise.  I on the other hand found many reasons why sleep training couldn't happen.  So we had been talking for quite sometime about where Aubrey and I would go for a few nights while he got our sleeping situation under control.  I made a joke about us going to Disneyland and that i had seen a good deal.  Approximately 10 hours later when he came home from meetings in Edmonton, he had managed to book Aubrey and I on a Disney adventure!!

The kicker, knowing me as well as he does, he never bought cancellation insurance! And he knows as much as I have anxiety over things, I am also cheap and wouldn't waste the money!!

This trip with Aubrey was such a blessing.  Even though we had just been there 4 months prior, this time it was like she was a whole year older. She was so engaged in every little thing we did.  When she got to meet Princesses you would have thought they were there to meet her.  She would bow, and twirl, and hug them. She would watch them intently as they struck different poses with other kids. Then as we walked through the park she would randomly stop and strike a new pose for passing people. Seriously she should have been on the payroll!

It felt like this magical door was opened for her and I. One where we were able to just be. I mean truly just be in our environment and totally appreciate each other. Seeing the joy on her face all day long, hearing the excitement in her voice was worth every penny of being there.  I felt like I was given this chance to, in a weird way, fall in love with her all over again!   I mean you wholly love your kids the moment they are born, but you fall in love with them deeper as you live life with them. Know what I mean?  

Letter To Me

A letter to myself 9 months ago...

Kelly,

You are a month away from having your second beautiful baby girl.  She is going to add so much love, laughter and joy to your little family.  As she grows watching her interact with Aubrey will bring  smile to your face unlike any other.  Watching her grow and develop personality traits will give you a sense of pride that only a mother can know.

But, on your journey there is going to be struggles.  Along with the intense feelings of love and joy that your children bring there will be such an overwhelming, intense feeling that almost drowns you. 

You will shed more tears then you thought you had.  You will wonder if you are ever going to feel ‘right’ again. 

Finally you will break. You heart will feel like it’s a shattered shell so frail you wonder how there was a time it was strong. But was it ever strong?  Or were you always weak ?  These are questions that will plague you. You will think that you are different, that no one else has gone through the pains you are going through. 

You’re wrong.

If I could talk to you that day, from my perspective now, I would tell you how strong you are. I would tell you how speaking up and being vulnerable will forever change your life.  In so many ways you will feel freed. You will feel like the weight on your chest stopping you from breathing properly will suddenly be gone.  Sure its just the start to healing, but oh is it a powerful start.

I wish I could show you the emails and facebook messages you will receive form people. People who have stories like yours, people who just want to tell you they love you, and people who just put a smile on your face.   Because when you start receiving this outreach your life changes.   You see that there is nothing all that special about you.  You see that there are so many women who have struggled, and struggled hard.   Maybe had you seen these messages sooner a whole world of pain could have been avoided, or maybe lessened.  You wouldn’t have had to go so many months thinking you were alone.

But I can’t show you any of this. I can’t hold your hand and walk with you through those dark days.   Instead I hope you embrace this journey. Hold onto it and grow.  Because there is so much good that is going to come from those days.  Always remember imperfections are what creates beauty. 

“ And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin 

When Time Freezes

I have caught myself in a trap. It’s not a very pretty trap. In fact I hate it. Yes Mom I said hate, not dislike, hate.   I remember while I was pregnant with Elise thinking “I am going to do everything with this baby.”. Meaning I would do a lot of the things that I did with Aubrey.  The interaction, reading, playing etc.

I think you can start to see where this is headed.

I am in the process of weaning Elise and it kind of hit me. Holy crap, she’s 9 months old!  She has been on the outside longer than the inside! She is 3 months from her first birthday.  When I realized that it was like a giant lightbulb shattered over my head. That’s how bright it was, it shattered it!

From the time Elise was 2 months up unitl about 5 months were the hardest for me during my PPD. Life was draining, and foggy.  I look at that time with a lot of sadness. I catch myself hoping that both my girls really felt loved. I have days where I feel a lot of guilt that I couldn’t get myself together. 

A funny thing happened though. In my mind it’s like Elise’s age froze there.  Now at 9 months I realized I was still treating her like a 3 month old baby that is pretty unaware.  It’s like there has been a tape running in the back of my mind going “She is still just too young for …”

So, I have put in major time this last week treating her like she is the age she actually is and she has been amazing.  Which oddly makes me sad and happy. Happy because I must not have ruined her. But a bit sad that I feel like I didn’t give her enough. 

She has this big kid laugh now, it’s different from a little baby. And it is seriously amazing.  And she is a little jokester. She really gets a kick out of herself.  She thinks she is only ever meant to stand now, obviously sitting is for babies, which she is not.  She loves watching her sister…and tormenting her a bit.    

Raising a Parrot

You never realize how often you use a phrase, or word, until you have a toddler who mimics everything and anything. Aubrey has forever been a really big talker. She uses words beyond her years often making her sound like she is a little old lady. 

My family will often tell me of a conversation they had with her and ask "Where did she even learn something like that?".  I am often baffled. 

Recently I started paying attention to how we talk around her. It is like her mind has recorded everything I have ever said to her and she replays it, crazily at the appropriate times.  This can be a good thing (she has really nice manners) or it can be...less desirable. 

*Special note- if you ever hear a swear come from her feel free to thank Aunty Ang and Aunty Sarah for the language lesson. 

In the last month I have been trying to correct her from saying "Huh?".  It was driving me nuts. I would say something to her and she would say "Huh" four times before finally responding to me. I explained to her it's not a great word to use and instead she should say "Pardon me".  

Sadly I quickly realized Ben and I constantly say 'Huh' to each other. And trying to correct that feels like what a smoker trying to quit must feel like.  A few weeks have passed since I started this mission with Aubrey and we have gotten a few less "Huh's" and more "Mom I says pardon." 

 

I love you to...

Have you ever had one of your kids use a phrase and swear to yourself you will remember it?  Or how about little things they would do as a baby or toddler, and you just couldn't imagine NOT remembering it?! I have had so many things like this. And for the most part I do remember a lot of them. 

Once Elise was born and really started doing her own things I quickly realized I was in fact NOT remembering certain things Aubs used to do.  Like for instance no matter where we were, we could walk into a room that had music playing so softly it was hardly noticeable but she would start dancing. Seriously she did this every time! 

I catch myself with both the girls trying to somehow burn things into my memory. I don't want to ever forget the things they do and say.  Like right now Elise makes this hilarious face. It's a smile of sorts and she does it when she is really excited. It is seriously the cutest thing ever!  I can picture it so well right now. In fact I try all the time to get it on my camera so I have a sort of proof of it. 

I keep trying to come up with ways to store these memories. But I still can't come up with something super creative.  I am not a scrapbooker. I keep up their baby books fairly well, but it's not the same. 

My biggest one right now that I swear I will never ever forget. *crosses fingers* A few months ago I asked Aubrey "How much do you love me?".  This was a typical thing we would say to her. Before she would never really have an answer, she was barely 2 why would she?!  But a couple months ago I asked her and she looked at me, thought about it, then said "I love you to the most!" 

Obviously the most logical best answer! Why would we love someone to the moon? I can't tangibly picture that. But I CAN absolutely know what loving someone to the most feels like!  So that is our phrase. In our house we love each other to the most. 

A Night On The Edge

Last night my child pushed me to the edge. I teetered there for awhile. Sitting, watching, deciding. See she pushed me to where I had not ever been with her before. I was in unchartered territory. Right now most of you think I mean Elise…wrong! Aubrey was the culprit. 

Since she was a baby no matter what, I have been able to calm her. Usually all it takes is her seeing I am with her and she settles. Last night I listened to her cry for an hour. What was the cause of her meltdown you ask?  Oh silly people, it was tragic. Like I am talking anyone would be pushed to tears for a solid hour over this. See she cried out at 3:30 am for her Dad (shocking but true), she asked him for a water bottle. He promptly jumped into action. Then he had the nerve to GIVE HER THE BOTTLE…

Yes I am serious. 

This set off the longest hour of my life. My patience was pushed to that edge. See, she has had ridiculous meltdowns like this, but again, once I come quickly, chat to her, she settles and is back out. That did not work this time. All I heard through tears for one hour was "Tell Dad not to do that. I don't want a bottle….Dad did that."  This was like a broken record on repeat. 

I tried shutting the door. I tried gently talking to her. Then I was pushed too far. I had the lights on at this point, picked her up and said she was headed to time out. By now Elise had been long awake and sat wide eyed patiently waiting with Ben (she actually was patient for once). So I stomped out into the living room with Aubrey, headed for time out. 

As I walked I started my lecture to her. It went something like this - "Aubrey look at our house, stop crying for one minute and look. Look around you.  See it's Dark! This house wants to sleep. And know what it can't sleep with you crying. " then I headed towards our big picture window that allows a good view of the town. " See that Aubrey, even our neighbours are sleeping. See their houses are Daaaark. Because they want to Sleeep!"  I really started putting emphasis on some words. "And look….(I randomly looked around the room) see our christmas tree it's dark because it wants to sleep!!"  

By now she had quit crying. And stared at me wide eyed. I then continued to tell her that " you, Elise, Dad and i all need to be asleep. It's the only way to make our hearts and bodies happy and healthy. And right now we are awake. And WE are not happy!"

Finally I headed back to her bed laid her down and continued my rant.  "So if you want to choose to keep crying Dad, Elise and I are headed downstairs to sleep and you are staying here."  I watched her thinking then she quickly replied "Right and to watch a princess show?"  …"yes to watch a princess show and sleep without you!"

And it all ended with a quick "Alright Mom I go to sleep….can I have a baba?"