Happy 3rd Birthday

Dear Aubrey

No one can prepare you for the day you become a parent. People throw all kinds of advice at you, but it doesn't matter. No person is ever prepared for that moment when another life, one you created and nurtured with every breath of every day, is laid upon you for the first time.  I remember being so overcome, almost like I was watching someone else.  

While I was pregnant with you I talked to you a lot. Almost always these conversations happened in my head. When you were born it felt like we were still connected in the same way. It's a bit unexplainable but I pray there is a day my words won't be needed and you will know this feeling on your own.  

Watching you grow for three years now has been without question the most inspiringly beautiful thing I have ever seen.  Everyday you teach me why we are here. I see the way you love without question. You have a quiet way of making almost anyone feel like they are connected to this world and loved so wholly.  I hope you never stop.

Your imagination is so wild and overgrown that I sometimes wonder if we really do have unicorns in our house.  Your enthusiasm easily matches your daddy's, and that's saying something!   Your smile brings an ease and comfort to any situation. 

Happy 3rd Birthday.

Love you to the most. 

Mom  

A Birthday Gift

Today has been a really mixed bag for me. Today is Elise's 1st Birthday.  Obviously it is a major day of joy. I wish everyone could see the way she lights up when someone says "Happy Birthday", she claps and kicks and loves it.   She even smiles and claps along when we sing Happy Birthday to her.  No shame there, she loves getting older and the attention!

I can't believe how quickly things pass when it is a second child.  I find myself struggling to grasp on to her babydom.  Yet at the same time I love this older more independent  stage she is coming into.  

In this last year she has taught me so much.  I watch in awe the sheer determination she has when she knows she wants something. Sure it can be frustrating, but I also feel like it's a glimpse into a future of a young woman who will succeed at anything she decides to pursue.  She also loves equally. She doesn't have favourites.  She just loves ya good when she decides she is ready to love ya good, ha. She can be fickle with it all at the same time. She has a smile that lights up her whole face, it just takes her over. When I look in her big blue eyes i worry I may never find my way out. 

My biggest ache today, is my own hurt. I've kind of tried to ignore it and been quite successful for the most part.  I find myself trying to not regret the first months of her life. I regret that I was so torn up that now I worry that what if she didn't feel the same kind of love that Aubrey got as a baby?  Did she always feel as loved as I felt I loved her?  Did I give her absolutely everything I could?  I kind of feel a little angry at the same time that I couldn't just enjoy every last second of being a Mom all over again.  I feel cheated. Just thinking back to that time my heart hurts, it gets a little tougher to swallow while at the same time trying to stop the tears. 

Then I try and talk some sense into myself realizing that at the same time I also grew so much through Elise becoming a part of my life. I grew in a way I don't think I ever would have without her.  She gave me a gift. She gave me a new start. I will forever be thankful no matter how painful it can be to look back at.

When Time Freezes

I have caught myself in a trap. It’s not a very pretty trap. In fact I hate it. Yes Mom I said hate, not dislike, hate.   I remember while I was pregnant with Elise thinking “I am going to do everything with this baby.”. Meaning I would do a lot of the things that I did with Aubrey.  The interaction, reading, playing etc.

I think you can start to see where this is headed.

I am in the process of weaning Elise and it kind of hit me. Holy crap, she’s 9 months old!  She has been on the outside longer than the inside! She is 3 months from her first birthday.  When I realized that it was like a giant lightbulb shattered over my head. That’s how bright it was, it shattered it!

From the time Elise was 2 months up unitl about 5 months were the hardest for me during my PPD. Life was draining, and foggy.  I look at that time with a lot of sadness. I catch myself hoping that both my girls really felt loved. I have days where I feel a lot of guilt that I couldn’t get myself together. 

A funny thing happened though. In my mind it’s like Elise’s age froze there.  Now at 9 months I realized I was still treating her like a 3 month old baby that is pretty unaware.  It’s like there has been a tape running in the back of my mind going “She is still just too young for …”

So, I have put in major time this last week treating her like she is the age she actually is and she has been amazing.  Which oddly makes me sad and happy. Happy because I must not have ruined her. But a bit sad that I feel like I didn’t give her enough. 

She has this big kid laugh now, it’s different from a little baby. And it is seriously amazing.  And she is a little jokester. She really gets a kick out of herself.  She thinks she is only ever meant to stand now, obviously sitting is for babies, which she is not.  She loves watching her sister…and tormenting her a bit.    

It's My Birthday. (said like Eeyore)

This week was my Birthday. A few things happened to me surrounding my Birthday that were new. A new number (obviously), I am 28 now. That feels ancient. I remember when my oldest sister turned 28 and thinking "God she's getting so old".  I also had some new thoughts and for lack of a better word behaviours. Let me explain.

I have never liked Birthdays.  When I was younger and still having 'friend Birthday parties' i often found myself stressed about the day. Will my friends have fun? Will so and so get along? I mean my 'What If' list went on and on around those parties. Also I had some Birthday's that were shared with my sister Sarah. I think I hated that. I say "I think" because i can't actually bring up the feelings I had around that time, it is all from the perspective of looking back. So looking back I say I hated it. Then as I got older I came to downright dread Birthdays.  I had some falling outs with friends through late junior high and High school. My social circle became more centred on my cattle friends (who were scattered all over) and my cousins (who are still my best friends).  So Birthdays kind of became a day that just came and went. I tried to come off as someone who hates celebrating. Which really is not authentic to who I am. I wish I could be a person who says " A birthday is just another day, I hate celebrating them", but actually I like doing things for my Birthday. Granted I hate large parties, but I do like doing something out of the ordinary for the day. 

So, in short I hated August 29th for quite a few years. Then I got married.

*Disclaimer for Mom and Dad- I will note my Mom and Dad always did a Birthday supper for me and still do to this day.  I appreciate that and love that family time. I definitely do not discredit it. 

Ben is a surprise guy. He loves to be surprised and he loves to surprise people. I love and hate this about him. I love it because he is just so damn enthusiastic. He wants to make everyone feel special, and loved. When he has a surprise for someone he is like a little kid waiting to open presents on Christmas morning. I hate it because he likes to surprise me. 

Why do I hate that my husband loves going through great efforts to give me a surprise you ask? I'll tell you!

It's stressful. Stop rolling your eyes and scoffing at me and hear me out.

I in general don't like being the centre of attention. Ben loves being the centre of attention (don't lie Hon you do). So every time christmas, birthdays, anniversaries etc. come around I fear a surprise. Because what if he does it publicly? Or what if he has some sort of event where I am thrust into being the centre of attention.  I love my husband to death…But…he even publicly proposed to me. I actually to this day don't think i said a word when he did it. A room full of people and he asked the big question…ack let's not talk about that. I so hate being at the centre I even made sure that our wedding showers could be unisex so that Ben had to be there. 

So, after Ben came on the scene Birthdays changed for me. They became stressful instead of hateful. LOL. OK I didn't lie awake at night hating or stressing it was just a general feeling around the occasion.  But as occasion came and went Ben and I found our groove, and I slowly started to really look forward to special occasions with him. This year was really different.  I was excited for my Birthday!  Like more excited than I was to watch Aubs open her presents at Christmas, kind of excited! Ben had some surprise up his sleeve, but we also had just planned a really great evening in. Nice supper with the girls, get kids to bed at 7:30, chocolate fondue and a movie for the two of us after. I mean who wouldn't be excited about chocolate?!

I really embraced my Birthday this year. I spent the day with Elise in Camrose just doing minor things, groceries, lunch with my sister, coffee. Just really relaxed. Actually I was sitting at the drive-thru waiting to pay for my coffee and I got the urge to pay for the customer behind me. I have never done that, but I did that day and it was so much fun. I never expected that I would love doing it so much. As I was driving home I wondered to myself why it felt so different this year. And I think I have  a few answers to that. 

I am more settled. I love being with my girls, I love Ben, and now with writing and photography I finally have something that is more my own. I should say too that the course I took in Calgary a few weeks ago has had a huge impact. It has forever changed me. I spent so many years wrapped up in thinking I had nothing. Thinking I wasn't passionate about anything, had no interests, and then in later years thinking "will I forever just be a mom?".  Now I see myself so differently. I am a Mom ( a pretty decent one too), A wife (not a house one I hate housewifedom), a writer (you poor saps who have to read my ramblings make me feel like a real one), a photographer (i love being out doing it, I find it therapeutic).  I also see more of my good qualities, I can see that I am giving, thoughtful, compassionate, funny (come on you had to of laughed at a few of my posts), loving. Honestly I think at one point, ok a lot of points, I would have said I really did not care for myself. Through the fogs I could not see that any good layed within me, or that any real great potential did. At one time i think I even thought being a Mom was about all I could achieve. Sad, but true.  Now my doors are so wide open to so many things that the draft is making me a little chilly. Seriously my feet are freezing right now :)

P.S. Ben's surprise for me was a brand new 27" iMac computer, then he set up a little office for me along with printed pictures I took on canvas! The canvas pictures were actually from my Mom and Dad though!

Fit for a Princess!

Aubrey turned 2 on July 22.  It was an epic princessy kind of a day.  She woke up with a beautiful smile on her face and both Ben and I exclaimed “Happy Birthday!” to which she got a twinkle in her eye and said….”a birthday cake?!”

And cake she had.  I believe the final count was 3 cupcakes, 1 piece of angel food cake, and multiple spoonfuls of icing.  I should also note no actual cake was hurt in the making of this blog. Icing on the other hand felt the wrath of Aubs.  She doesn’t like cake, just the topping!

We princessed the heck out of this party. For one-week solid every night and well into the night, Ben and I spent our time ‘crafting’.  We made big dresses that were themed Cinderella, Aurora and Belle that spelled out ‘Happy Birthday Aubrey’.  Then I also cut out and crafted teeny tiny dresses on toothpicks to go into all of the cupcakes. 

Rockin' on her B-day

Then I went on a shopping mission to find every possible pink item I could. We had pink tablecloths, pink punch, pink napkins, pink plates, pink frosting, pink streamers, pink balloons. You get the point there was a whole lotta pink!  Stupidly I did this shopping with 2 children. No woman should have to shop for a party with 2 kids it should be a law. I’m telling you it just shouldn’t be legal!

The party was done a la’ Kelly style. Last minute, ridiculous changes due to wishy washiness that results in me having a terrible time just saying what I want.  First it was a pool party, then a at home party, pool, home, pool…I think you can see the pattern here.

A and I 

So the weather was supposed to be terrible this made the decision easy. We would rent the pool and have everything there. Done. Ben phoned booked the pool we were set.

Fast forward to two days later, weather change it was going to be beautiful! So we change to at home!  This is all 2 days before said event. 

So we wake up on the birthday day to ….gray skies and rain….eff! 

Oh well we had committed right?!

Then suddenly Ben stops in his tracks and exclaims “Sh** I forgot to cancel the pool!”. This was no ordinary booking; we had booked the ENTIRE pool. Not just a room and public swim…the ENTIRE pool.

SO what do we do? We do both. We frantically phone all our guests explain we will do everything at home and race to the dang pool!

In the end it was a great party. Aubrey thought she was an absolute princess and that was really all that mattered!