Thursday, January 24, 2013

When Time Freezes

I have caught myself in a trap. It’s not a very pretty trap. In fact I hate it. Yes Mom I said hate, not dislike, hate.   I remember while I was pregnant with Elise thinking “I am going to do everything with this baby.”. Meaning I would do a lot of the things that I did with Aubrey.  The interaction, reading, playing etc.

I think you can start to see where this is headed.

I am in the process of weaning Elise and it kind of hit me. Holy crap, she’s 9 months old!  She has been on the outside longer than the inside! She is 3 months from her first birthday.  When I realized that it was like a giant lightbulb shattered over my head. That’s how bright it was, it shattered it!

From the time Elise was 2 months up unitl about 5 months were the hardest for me during my PPD. Life was draining, and foggy.  I look at that time with a lot of sadness. I catch myself hoping that both my girls really felt loved. I have days where I feel a lot of guilt that I couldn’t get myself together. 

A funny thing happened though. In my mind it’s like Elise’s age froze there.  Now at 9 months I realized I was still treating her like a 3 month old baby that is pretty unaware.  It’s like there has been a tape running in the back of my mind going “She is still just too young for …”

So, I have put in major time this last week treating her like she is the age she actually is and she has been amazing.  Which oddly makes me sad and happy. Happy because I must not have ruined her. But a bit sad that I feel like I didn’t give her enough. 

She has this big kid laugh now, it’s different from a little baby. And it is seriously amazing.  And she is a little jokester. She really gets a kick out of herself.  She thinks she is only ever meant to stand now, obviously sitting is for babies, which she is not.  She loves watching her sister…and tormenting her a bit.    

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