I had an 'Aha' moment the last weekend. It actually kind of crushed me a tiny bit. But I am so glad that I have solid proof of where changes need to be made!
First, I have been thinking about self esteem for quite some time. Watching as my niece and nephews are edging their way into that adolescent zone. I think I became so much more aware after having two girls and recalling my own experience. I remember the year I headed into grade 7 I suddenly had a chest. Grade 6 there was nothing, summer came and so did boobs. I was SO self conscious. None of the other girls had grown a full chest over the summer and it felt wrong to me to be different. To stand out. I just had no understanding and the confidence to say "I love this new body".
Anyways. It got me trying to remember when it happens. When does that moment happen that you start to hate your own body. I watch Aubrey and Elise they have zero concept of body hate. Aubrey tells us all the time how she feels and looks beautiful, not in a vain way but in that little girl way where they are so excited to feel that way. And the believe it, they believe it with all their heart. And Aubrey looks at me all the time and tells me "Mom you look like a princess" or "Mom you looks so beautiful". I have fought to roll my eyes in response and attempted to beat the thoughts out of my head that this kid is on crack.
I want to be that little girl again who simply thinks everyone is beautiful. Seriously how different our world could be. Think about it!
Back to my 'Aha' moment. Last weekend I was laying in bed with the two girls reading our ritual bedtime story. Ben took out his phone and started taking pictures of the three of us together. And instead of looking at the picture as a precious memory of that moment in time, a moment that will eventually feel like a flicker of time, I flipped through them, stopping long enough to say "I look terrible!" Aubrey asked if she could look at the pictures. I watched her study it for a few seconds then shake her head and say "I look terrible"….gutted.
That right there is where it starts.
So, I have made a vow to never say a bad thing about my body again. Not even a just in front of the kids promise. I mean never. It's a process, i have had to fight hard multiple times already to not say something. So pray for me that I have the strength to keep it up…