Today has been a really mixed bag for me. Today is Elise's 1st Birthday. Obviously it is a major day of joy. I wish everyone could see the way she lights up when someone says "Happy Birthday", she claps and kicks and loves it. She even smiles and claps along when we sing Happy Birthday to her. No shame there, she loves getting older and the attention!
I can't believe how quickly things pass when it is a second child. I find myself struggling to grasp on to her babydom. Yet at the same time I love this older more independent stage she is coming into.
In this last year she has taught me so much. I watch in awe the sheer determination she has when she knows she wants something. Sure it can be frustrating, but I also feel like it's a glimpse into a future of a young woman who will succeed at anything she decides to pursue. She also loves equally. She doesn't have favourites. She just loves ya good when she decides she is ready to love ya good, ha. She can be fickle with it all at the same time. She has a smile that lights up her whole face, it just takes her over. When I look in her big blue eyes i worry I may never find my way out.
My biggest ache today, is my own hurt. I've kind of tried to ignore it and been quite successful for the most part. I find myself trying to not regret the first months of her life. I regret that I was so torn up that now I worry that what if she didn't feel the same kind of love that Aubrey got as a baby? Did she always feel as loved as I felt I loved her? Did I give her absolutely everything I could? I kind of feel a little angry at the same time that I couldn't just enjoy every last second of being a Mom all over again. I feel cheated. Just thinking back to that time my heart hurts, it gets a little tougher to swallow while at the same time trying to stop the tears.
Then I try and talk some sense into myself realizing that at the same time I also grew so much through Elise becoming a part of my life. I grew in a way I don't think I ever would have without her. She gave me a gift. She gave me a new start. I will forever be thankful no matter how painful it can be to look back at.