Set backs are my worst enemy. I hate them. I know they are unavoidable since I and the people around me are simply human, but they still suck.
Since I have ‘come out’ I have found that when I start to feel down or anxious or just anything other than great I talk to my mom and or Ben and explain the situation. This usually diffuses it or at the very least makes it so I can walk around and be a pleasant person rather than miserable.
Let me explain that a bit more. Before I was able to identify some of my issues and put words to them when I was triggered and having a rough time I became closed in, snappy and generally withdrawn. This was hard on me, and the people around me. But I found that as soon as I talked to my mom and Ben and they knew where I was coming from life became a whole lot easier.
I was able to be vulnerable. I am not generally easily vulnerable.
I was able to let them see the true emotion I was feeling which is usually scared, sad, worried etc. Instead I showed anger and frustration. This has made a huge impact on my relationships with both of them.
But it’s fragile. Oh so fragile. It’s a crystal vase balancing on a tight rope.
This week it got knocked off, it shattered big time.
Ben and I were attempting to make some plans for the week and I had told him my hesitation to some of the plans. I told him I was not feeling up to a lot of it and at that point felt like I needed to just get past the week. I was in a real mode of not wanting to be around people. It can feel hard to be around people when I am feeling so vulnerable. Especially having people in my home rather than me being outside to meet up with people. I feel like if I am out meeting people it is easier to escape if I need to. To know that I have an emergency exit. And when people are in your home you can’t exactly say, “umm I am feeling anxious and like I am about to crack into a million pieces…can you leave please? Oh and don’t ask me questions I don’t want to talk about it to you.” For some reason that is just not great manners.
Anyway back to the argument. Ben had a hard time hearing this and was not quite on the same page as me. He did what I had feared all along. He used the depression and anxiety against me. This I now realize was not intentional. But it was like he fired an arrow at my heart and he hit it square on. It speared straight through and on it’s way out knocked that crystal vase down.
We discussed and thought we had come out of it fairly clean.
Fast forward to a few days later. Our day started to go awry again. And this was how I figured out just how fragile my trust and vulnerability was and is. We both reverted right back to our old reactions. I was not given the chance, and never demanded the chance, to talk it out and give my reasons for feeling emotional, sad and anxious. Instead I was angry and put off. And Ben turtle shelled up to weather the storm.
I hate being vulnerable. I hate feeling like I am looked at different since I have depression and anxiety. It’s like a big red stamp saying “fragile” got stamped on me and people try and avoid me or treat me like a child. OK that may not actually be the case but sometimes it feels like it.
So we are back to patching up that vase. Personally I would buy a new one but Ben hates waste J