**Note: This was written almost a month ago I am uploading backed up blogs.
I have said many times that going through all of this has not had an effect on my connection with my girls. I still stand by this. And actually I think in some ways it maybe brought me closer to them. But there have been a few things that have been hard.
This was another signal to me that something was wrong.
When Aubrey was born I had a really difficult time with breastfeeding. She was a lazy latcher, which was just the beginning of our problems. We would literally have to strip her down naked, put a wet cloth on her in an attempt to get her to wake enough that she would eat. Then from inexperience I never realized she was not latching on properly. So, I ended up being in pain for a solid 4 weeks. I had cuts that have left scars, I had two rounds of mastitis and I never quit.
I never once sat there and thought I don’t want to do this. I was so determined to breastfeed. Don’t get me wrong I cried every single time I had to feed her; the pain was intense and never ending. No one tells you how hard nursing can be. Again not once did I even cringe having to get up to feed her in the middle of the night. I loved that time with her. I loved knowing that I was the only one who could give her the one thing she absolutely had to have.
That is how I knew something was different this time. I loved nursing so much.
This time, I think it was in week two, I remember Ben waking me up holding Elise out to me telling me it was time to nurse again. I laid there trying not to cry and choking out “I just don’t want to do it, I don’t feel like I can get myself out of the bed”. Ahhh, devastation…. Who doesn’t want to jump instantly out of bed to nourish their sweet baby?
A little more background. I have had back pain that is so severe, some days If I get down on the ground I literally can not get up. This has now been going on for over two years. It started when I was half way through my pregnancy with Aubrey. Living in pain does not help depression. So a big part of not wanting to get out of bed is that basically any position but laying hurts.
Either way even though it was not technically depression making me want to stay in the bed, it made things worse. It made me so angry. I feel like I am being robbed of the pleasant experience of nursing that I eventually had with Aubrey. I have a hard time even reliving that night. It springs tears into my eyes. Especially now as I sit on my bed with both girls fast asleep next to me.
It’s so emotional because I know the experience can be better. I know that it is possible to feel ready at any given moment to jump up and tend to your child’s every little need.
Now at 6 weeks (today, yay) things are a bit better. I enjoy my time nursing. Every day I feel more and more in love with my girls. Which I honestly do not know how that is possible. I read today in a book an author talking about how you grow a whole new heart with each child, I love that. I feel like I love each of my girls differently because they are different form each other. So thinking they each have a different heart makes me smile.