Sunday, July 8, 2012

The Half Brain

I am having a weird day again today. Shocker!  Pretty much 80% of my days are weird.  Today is a rollercoaster kind of a day.  I woke up after quite a good sleep thinking it was going to be a great day.  And for the most part it is a pretty good day, until it’s not. That’s the annoying thing about anxiety and depression. They are like sneaky little ninja thieves that try to sneak in unexpected and rob you of your damn good day you were trying to have.

What’s the name of that character on Batman, I think? Two Face? Is that it?  I dunno anyway I feel like that today. 

Half of me is so excited and feels like I am on caffeine induced high or something. I just want to get moving.  I want to clean my house, write a novel (not really), exercise, redecorate, and meal plan, go to the park with Aubs, take my girls on an adventure, I mean my list is endless.  I feel like I could even tackle starting my own business of some sort. And the best part I am excited about all the possibilities.  That’s how I woke up feeling today.

I even woke up like that after our stupid renovations went awry last night again.  That’s progress!

But while I am splashing around in the kiddies pool enjoying my day there is an alluring pull coming from the deep end.  Oh the deep end.  How I loathe you, but you are so comfy.  And that’s what gets me; it can be so comfortable and easy in the deep end.   Right now the deep end is what feels like home. Shudder.

So here is what’s floating around in the deep end with me today.

I gained back 3 pounds. Fuck. How depressing when I made a self-promise that this year was the year to get my body back to being healthy.  OK reality 3 pounds isn’t that big of a deal, but today it is.

Then there is the weekend.  There is a lot going on. And it pretty much all involved being around a lot of people.  Since I started struggling the idea of committing to being around a lot of people for a day is terrifying. It makes me feel like having a panic attack.  I just want the option of being alone with Ben and my girls.  Not having to put on a happy face and say it’s a great day.  I have NO idea what the day will bring so I hate that a few days ago we committed to these events. Right now my comfort zone is to tell people I ‘might’ be able to do something.  And since it’s Friday the panic is really setting in.  Which makes me look forward to Monday, which then makes me sad because I know Ben has to focus on work again. 

Also Ben keeps badgering me to make decisions about things to do with the renovations.  I don’t know how many times I have told him to just do what he wants and get it done.  I hate renovations.  On a good day I would love to give him some esthetic advice, but today I just want him to do whatever he wants and leave me out of it. 

So then my mind has a hay day with these things.  It tells me I am never going to get my body back, I will never move with ease again (back pain). It tells me there is no point in putting in the effort.  Then it tells me I am going to be stuck around people when I am having a shitty day and just want to be alone with my little family, but that I have no choice everyone else gets to decide for me. 

Obviously none of the above are totally true. And obviously these things that are such small matters are blown way out of perspective. But that’s what the deep end does. It magnifies things into a beautiful kind of a disaster. It makes you question if the tears can be seized and you will truly be able to have a carefree day again. 

Again, obviously if I can clear my eyes, I can see that there are so many days that I have that are great.  It’s just not always easy to keep them close enough that they can be a life raft in that deep end.

1 comment:

  1. The deep end is scary....I remember thinking that I would be breastfeeding every 2 hours until my son was 20!. I literally believed that as I was exhausted and couldn't fathom doing that for the rest of my life...