Tuesday, July 10, 2012


I think it is pretty common that most people are hardest on themselves more than they ever are on others.  This is basically how I live.  My expectation of myself is perfection.  Any attempt that does not reach this is devastating.

Again this is a red flag for me. 

I so admire the people who throw themselves into life and try everything and anything. When they fail the take the lessons and move on to the next exciting thing.  I struggle so badly to do this and I so badly want to be one of these people.

I feel like I can’t commit to something unless I will do it 110%.  Insert anxiety. Good God who does that to themselves.  I know others who put in their all but are also realistic they will have learning curves and may even fail but will move on and not feel crushed.

I can’t even bring myself to dive into something unless I feel it’s guaranteed.  I am even like this with relationships.  God pushed me something fierce to get me to go after Ben.  There was a whole other power working on me then because it was so out of the norm for me. I am thankful for that everyday. I just wish it happened more often.

I feel that I have coasted through my life doing the things I am now comfortable with and know I can do without failing at them. Here is an example. I had a conversation with my mom about working for my Aunt and Uncle on the show cattle circuit.  She asked me “well what was the worst that happened if you did something wrong, or forgot to do something?”  I thought about it then replied “I don’t know, because I worked my ass off to make sure it never happened.” 

Me at the World Angus Forum in '09

Now this gave me a great work ethic.  But is it a great work ethic when it is out of fear?  Fear that someone will think less of you if you don’t do everything perfect?  Or they will be disappointed?  What if my own Aunt and Uncle loved me a little less because I was not that perfect worker?  Or worst yet you will have something to hate on yourself even more for?!  What’s sad about the situation with the show circuit is I loved it, but I stopped myself from diving into the more advanced work and attempting to become great at it from an intense fear.  Fear of judgment. And Fear of what happens then when I have that many more things I have to try to be perfect at?  No one can keep up with that kind of thinking.

I feel like there are countless things I want to be and do. But have so many negative thoughts about myself and abilities that it will just never happen.

Then I feel tortured.  Because what does that show my girls?  What does it teach them about themselves and what they are capable of? 

I so badly want to be the person who jumps in and goes full force, if not for me at least for my girls.  I want them to know they can do and be anything. That as long as they try their hardest it doesn’t matter how bad they fail.  And I want nothing more than to be the one that shows them that by my example.  That is my greatest wish. By far. 

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