Letter To Me

A letter to myself 9 months ago...

Kelly,

You are a month away from having your second beautiful baby girl.  She is going to add so much love, laughter and joy to your little family.  As she grows watching her interact with Aubrey will bring  smile to your face unlike any other.  Watching her grow and develop personality traits will give you a sense of pride that only a mother can know.

But, on your journey there is going to be struggles.  Along with the intense feelings of love and joy that your children bring there will be such an overwhelming, intense feeling that almost drowns you. 

You will shed more tears then you thought you had.  You will wonder if you are ever going to feel ‘right’ again. 

Finally you will break. You heart will feel like it’s a shattered shell so frail you wonder how there was a time it was strong. But was it ever strong?  Or were you always weak ?  These are questions that will plague you. You will think that you are different, that no one else has gone through the pains you are going through. 

You’re wrong.

If I could talk to you that day, from my perspective now, I would tell you how strong you are. I would tell you how speaking up and being vulnerable will forever change your life.  In so many ways you will feel freed. You will feel like the weight on your chest stopping you from breathing properly will suddenly be gone.  Sure its just the start to healing, but oh is it a powerful start.

I wish I could show you the emails and facebook messages you will receive form people. People who have stories like yours, people who just want to tell you they love you, and people who just put a smile on your face.   Because when you start receiving this outreach your life changes.   You see that there is nothing all that special about you.  You see that there are so many women who have struggled, and struggled hard.   Maybe had you seen these messages sooner a whole world of pain could have been avoided, or maybe lessened.  You wouldn’t have had to go so many months thinking you were alone.

But I can’t show you any of this. I can’t hold your hand and walk with you through those dark days.   Instead I hope you embrace this journey. Hold onto it and grow.  Because there is so much good that is going to come from those days.  Always remember imperfections are what creates beauty. 

“ And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin 

When Time Freezes

I have caught myself in a trap. It’s not a very pretty trap. In fact I hate it. Yes Mom I said hate, not dislike, hate.   I remember while I was pregnant with Elise thinking “I am going to do everything with this baby.”. Meaning I would do a lot of the things that I did with Aubrey.  The interaction, reading, playing etc.

I think you can start to see where this is headed.

I am in the process of weaning Elise and it kind of hit me. Holy crap, she’s 9 months old!  She has been on the outside longer than the inside! She is 3 months from her first birthday.  When I realized that it was like a giant lightbulb shattered over my head. That’s how bright it was, it shattered it!

From the time Elise was 2 months up unitl about 5 months were the hardest for me during my PPD. Life was draining, and foggy.  I look at that time with a lot of sadness. I catch myself hoping that both my girls really felt loved. I have days where I feel a lot of guilt that I couldn’t get myself together. 

A funny thing happened though. In my mind it’s like Elise’s age froze there.  Now at 9 months I realized I was still treating her like a 3 month old baby that is pretty unaware.  It’s like there has been a tape running in the back of my mind going “She is still just too young for …”

So, I have put in major time this last week treating her like she is the age she actually is and she has been amazing.  Which oddly makes me sad and happy. Happy because I must not have ruined her. But a bit sad that I feel like I didn’t give her enough. 

She has this big kid laugh now, it’s different from a little baby. And it is seriously amazing.  And she is a little jokester. She really gets a kick out of herself.  She thinks she is only ever meant to stand now, obviously sitting is for babies, which she is not.  She loves watching her sister…and tormenting her a bit.    

Raising a Parrot

You never realize how often you use a phrase, or word, until you have a toddler who mimics everything and anything. Aubrey has forever been a really big talker. She uses words beyond her years often making her sound like she is a little old lady. 

My family will often tell me of a conversation they had with her and ask "Where did she even learn something like that?".  I am often baffled. 

Recently I started paying attention to how we talk around her. It is like her mind has recorded everything I have ever said to her and she replays it, crazily at the appropriate times.  This can be a good thing (she has really nice manners) or it can be...less desirable. 

*Special note- if you ever hear a swear come from her feel free to thank Aunty Ang and Aunty Sarah for the language lesson. 

In the last month I have been trying to correct her from saying "Huh?".  It was driving me nuts. I would say something to her and she would say "Huh" four times before finally responding to me. I explained to her it's not a great word to use and instead she should say "Pardon me".  

Sadly I quickly realized Ben and I constantly say 'Huh' to each other. And trying to correct that feels like what a smoker trying to quit must feel like.  A few weeks have passed since I started this mission with Aubrey and we have gotten a few less "Huh's" and more "Mom I says pardon." 

 

I love you to...

Have you ever had one of your kids use a phrase and swear to yourself you will remember it?  Or how about little things they would do as a baby or toddler, and you just couldn't imagine NOT remembering it?! I have had so many things like this. And for the most part I do remember a lot of them. 

Once Elise was born and really started doing her own things I quickly realized I was in fact NOT remembering certain things Aubs used to do.  Like for instance no matter where we were, we could walk into a room that had music playing so softly it was hardly noticeable but she would start dancing. Seriously she did this every time! 

I catch myself with both the girls trying to somehow burn things into my memory. I don't want to ever forget the things they do and say.  Like right now Elise makes this hilarious face. It's a smile of sorts and she does it when she is really excited. It is seriously the cutest thing ever!  I can picture it so well right now. In fact I try all the time to get it on my camera so I have a sort of proof of it. 

I keep trying to come up with ways to store these memories. But I still can't come up with something super creative.  I am not a scrapbooker. I keep up their baby books fairly well, but it's not the same. 

My biggest one right now that I swear I will never ever forget. *crosses fingers* A few months ago I asked Aubrey "How much do you love me?".  This was a typical thing we would say to her. Before she would never really have an answer, she was barely 2 why would she?!  But a couple months ago I asked her and she looked at me, thought about it, then said "I love you to the most!" 

Obviously the most logical best answer! Why would we love someone to the moon? I can't tangibly picture that. But I CAN absolutely know what loving someone to the most feels like!  So that is our phrase. In our house we love each other to the most. 

A Night On The Edge

Last night my child pushed me to the edge. I teetered there for awhile. Sitting, watching, deciding. See she pushed me to where I had not ever been with her before. I was in unchartered territory. Right now most of you think I mean Elise…wrong! Aubrey was the culprit. 

Since she was a baby no matter what, I have been able to calm her. Usually all it takes is her seeing I am with her and she settles. Last night I listened to her cry for an hour. What was the cause of her meltdown you ask?  Oh silly people, it was tragic. Like I am talking anyone would be pushed to tears for a solid hour over this. See she cried out at 3:30 am for her Dad (shocking but true), she asked him for a water bottle. He promptly jumped into action. Then he had the nerve to GIVE HER THE BOTTLE…

Yes I am serious. 

This set off the longest hour of my life. My patience was pushed to that edge. See, she has had ridiculous meltdowns like this, but again, once I come quickly, chat to her, she settles and is back out. That did not work this time. All I heard through tears for one hour was "Tell Dad not to do that. I don't want a bottle….Dad did that."  This was like a broken record on repeat. 

I tried shutting the door. I tried gently talking to her. Then I was pushed too far. I had the lights on at this point, picked her up and said she was headed to time out. By now Elise had been long awake and sat wide eyed patiently waiting with Ben (she actually was patient for once). So I stomped out into the living room with Aubrey, headed for time out. 

As I walked I started my lecture to her. It went something like this - "Aubrey look at our house, stop crying for one minute and look. Look around you.  See it's Dark! This house wants to sleep. And know what it can't sleep with you crying. " then I headed towards our big picture window that allows a good view of the town. " See that Aubrey, even our neighbours are sleeping. See their houses are Daaaark. Because they want to Sleeep!"  I really started putting emphasis on some words. "And look….(I randomly looked around the room) see our christmas tree it's dark because it wants to sleep!!"  

By now she had quit crying. And stared at me wide eyed. I then continued to tell her that " you, Elise, Dad and i all need to be asleep. It's the only way to make our hearts and bodies happy and healthy. And right now we are awake. And WE are not happy!"

Finally I headed back to her bed laid her down and continued my rant.  "So if you want to choose to keep crying Dad, Elise and I are headed downstairs to sleep and you are staying here."  I watched her thinking then she quickly replied "Right and to watch a princess show?"  …"yes to watch a princess show and sleep without you!"

And it all ended with a quick "Alright Mom I go to sleep….can I have a baba?"