Beauty

Very recently I read a blog where the woman described why she chose to start telling her daughters that she was beautiful. Not just them, but she herself was also beautiful.  It really got me thinking. Sometimes thinking can be dangerous and I have yet to decide if this sent me down a dangerous path. 

Her general point in the end was that if she walked around talking about how ugly she was, or how terrible her saggy boobs were, I think you get the point, she realized that it would have an impact on her girls. That children really start out not seeing ugly or pretty. They learn ugly and pretty. And if they think once they hit 'Mom status' and they have saggy boobs would she want them to think they are ugly?

Anyways that was the general point of her post.  Now where this lead me….hang on this could get long! You've been warned!

Since I gave birth to Aubrey I have tried really hard not to say negative things about my body in front of her. I didn't want to have such a negative impact on her. Instead I want her to grow up knowing that even when her body starts to give way to gravity and some spots are softer then they once were, that she is still beautiful. But how can a preach that to her and have her truly truly believe it if I don't myself?  It's not like I waltz around looking at other women who have less then perfect bodies, or bone structure thinking "eeekk the ugly stick really got to work that day!"  I see so many women (a lot who are so close to me) with all different shapes and sizes and truly think they are extremely beautiful. 

Now here is where someone wants to step in and inform me that "beauty is not just about whats on the outside…etc.etc.etc."  Yes I know this, and agree. BUT it doesn't mean I don't vainly look at my body and want this or that to be different. 

Anywho. Then Elise came along. Now I have two little girls and this urge to have this different energy around them as they grow into young girls is really strong.  So that means I have some work to do. And I don't mean just lose the weight I want and sculpt the body I think I want. The mental space, in my opinion, is so much more important. 

So I spent today walking around wondering to myself at what point in my life did I decide my body was ugly? At what point did I decide that there was something wrong with it?  I had a really hard time trying to pinpoint any specific time. I have small memories of things said in school. But I can't even necessarily pin those comments to a face.  But there is one specific thing I remember being so distraught by.  

My sister Sarah and I were always really close growing up.  She bossed me around, we fought, we had fun all the good things sisters do. For many years when we were young a lot of people would ask if we were twins. And me, being the little sister, I really looked up to her. I wanted to be just like her. Anyway I remember that for a long time we wore the exact same size. This always made me happy, I looked at her and saw a skinny little thing that everyone thought was beautiful.  I think when I hit about grade7 (maybe 8) our sizes suddenly shifted. She stayed the same, and I am talking like a 5/6 and I went up to a…..wait for it…7/8!  GASP right!! 

Ok I know that that is laughable, but I only know that NOW!  At that point in time I was totally devastated. I remember being in a change room and realizing it and just melting. 

Looking back, even only as far as when I graduated…I would kill to have that body back.  But isn't that the way of it? When you have this mindset that your body is terrible, it's only when time and the beating you give it make it even worse that you realize what you once had. 

In the months since I have had Elise I have had some changes in the way I view my body. For instance I really quite love the fact I have hips and a more 'woman' shape. I wouldn't want to trade for Sarah's straight up and down boyish shape…sorry Sar…

So there are starting to be small victories in my mentality towards my body. Ya it's slow moving, ya I still have really hard days. But I have also had days where I finish getting ready and can look in the mirror and think "Hey you're not that bad looking!"

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