Shame

Since I started this blog I have had some major transformations. Especially recently.  My life really will never be the same.  About 85% maybe 86 (haha) came about form a course I took this last weekend. I know what you are thinking right now “Kelly a friggin course ain’t gonna create lasting change!” But it has transformed me and already has created so many new possibilities for me.  I will write about this course another time when I have more words for it. Right now my head can’t get a grasp on enough words to explain it.

Now on to this post, and my point.  Things are falling in my lap these days. I am finding talks, quotes, stories, movies etc that really line up with the things I have been thinking or learned.  I recently watched a TED talk that really helped explain what I am talking about in this post. Have I annoyed enough of you yet by dancing around my point? Sorry, let’s move on to it.

When I initially started writing my blog I only sent the posts to my Mom and Ben. I made them swear up and down that only they would be the ones reading.  Somewhere deep down this wasn’t sitting well with me.  I knew I needed to go further. So, I told my mom she could email it to a few select people. BUT this came with the condition she was to tell these people NOT to talk to me.  Seriously just typing that I cringe how ridiculous. They were allowed to email me. Some people did others simply chose to say nothing. 

This went on for a little while. Still it was not sitting right with me. What was the point in bleeding out my whole self if I wasn’t going to own it completely?

The day my Mom pressed that little blue button with an ‘F’ on it that sent my words out into the big bad world of Facebook I almost died.  My breathing shortened, my heart quickened, and I paced my house. I couldn’t find enough things that kept me busy and away from a computer or my phone.  Then it happened. I took a look at my page views for the day. THEN I really wanted to die. They had gone up, they went from like 10 views a day to 700.  I closed the computer screen and waited for the panic attack I was sure would consume my every cell.

Something funny happened in place of a panic attack. I was free.

I tried that on.  It kinda felt good. But why?  It nagged at me for days. Why would sharing my most shameful thoughts and being feel freeing and, well good?

Then I went to this course on the weekend and I realized why. Choosing to be authentic and let people into my life and know the truth was the most freeing thing a person can do.  I had spent months letting people think things were perfect. That I had no struggles. Do you know how exhausting that is?  Did you know that it causes even more misery?  But that day, the day I chose to share with a wider audience I was free from my pains.

And on top of it people have been amazing! I have received so many kind words. 

Then something else happened. People started telling me their story. I quickly realized I was not unique.  In hearing more stories I became relieved. It released even more of the pains and darkness. It let in new light.

Something nagged at me though. Why don’t we share with each other more? I still don’t think I have a definite answer, but I think I have a few thoughts that are starting to come together.

I realized that I was so ashamed of myself for having struggled at a time that should have been the happiest time of my life. I was ashamed of what others would think of me. BiNGO! Why would I let shame and the thoughts of what others think of me control my life?  Because I didn’t want anyone to think less of me, I never wanted anyone to think I was a bad person. Really in short I wanted to look good.

The cost of looking good was absolute misery. I actually realized I spent a good portion of my life in this state. But that was what confused me about why I felt so good when I let people in on what was really happening. Why would it feel so good to look so bad?

Because it’s honest. It’s the truth. The truth shall set us free, right?