Something To Talk About

I have had some really amazingly heartfelt, eye opening emails sent to me since I started sharing my blog. I have been blown away by a few things.  I am hoping this blog doesn’t turn into a novel, bare with me.

First I found I got a tiny bit put off by people saying things like “I never knew you were in such a dark place…” or “I hope you start feeling happier…” You get the point.  I know their intention is one of love and kindness. But I felt the need every time to explain; I am not an unhappy person. I didn’t want people left feeling like I hate my life or that I wish I never had my kids. My kids are everything to me.  They can bring me out of the dark shadows like no other person can.  I can’t help but look at each of them and feel overwhelming amounts of love.

This feeling though, the one to justify myself. It got me thinking.

Why?

Then it got me thinking even larger then myself. Maybe that feeling I had when people reached out. Maybe that was why I never said anything at first. Maybe that is why so many women say nothing.  Let me explain that further.

There are two particular responses I got from family members. One from an Aunt and one from a cousin. These responses will stay with me forever. They impacted me in a way that truly solidified the leap out of the deep dark depths I was in.  I told them both this. But I doubt they truly understand how much they both impacted me.

You see they both have children. Some very close in age to my girls.  From the outside looking in both seem blissfully happy in their role as mothers. Like going from one to two (or more) was a piece of cake. Like the impact of change a child brings to your life is no biggie.  I even recall seeing my cousin with her kids and thinking “wow, why can’t I just be happy like she is?”

And she is happy, and she loves her girls like it’s nobodies business.  But one thing she said to me after reading my blog struck into me and lit a giant light bulb above my head. You see she told me a long time ago she was 2 and done.  She loved her girls and after the second felt like she just knew she was done.  But what I didn’t know changed me. It patched up a piece of my broken self.  She told me very recently all the reasons why. One thing I run over my head multiple times a day is “I never wanted to feel like I did after having my second again.” 

You see she struggled.  Maybe not like I did. Maybe not as deeply as I did. But she didn’t feel like herself. She hated pregnancy as much as I did. And her list goes on as does mine. 

After I read her long (such a long ;)) response I was blown away thinking, “Why didn’t she tell me those things before?”  Then my aunt gave me her stories again I was blown away wondering, “why did I not know these things?”

I think when we struggle in life we often think only of ourselves.  I don’t mean this the way you think. I mean it in the way that we think it’s only us. We look at people around us and assume they got it all together.  That they don’t have struggles or never have struggled like you have. I don’t think you could ever be more wrong.

Now these two responses brought me to a new point of healing like nothing else ever could have.  People said to me “oh every mom has a hard time adjusting” or “Ahhh it passes”.  But these two gave me stories, gave me their whys.  And it healed the part of me that felt alone. I no longer feel like I am the only one.

I never knew hearing other people’s hurts and struggles could bring me such peace. It made me realize I should have been vulnerable a long time ago. Say I don’t know maybe…15 years ago when I was a young teenager struggling just as badly. There is such strength in coming together and sharing our journey to who we are now.

The thought also came to me that a lot of my anxiety comes from such a deep love for my girls that it overwhelms me. Now why should I be ashamed of that? Yes I need to control the anxiety, but why not tell others out there who struggle that “hey you ain’t the only one, I got mine too!”.

There are quite a few other things that have been a big part of my healing process and I will write more about them in the days to come. I don’t want this one to drag on and on and….