Hospital Lab + Toddler = Awesomeness!

Picture this.

1 peacefully sleeping infant in her car seat. 1 toddler screaming like the world is coming to and end. 1 mother sitting on the bathroom floor shifting between the edge of tears and the urge to walk away saying “fuck it”.  All in a bathroom at the lab in the hospital.

You know the one with the little door to put the sample in.

That pretty little image I just painted was the girls and I. Aubrey has been complaining so I took her to the doctor and they wanted a urine sample. Easy peasy right. She’s mostly potty trained should have taken 5 minutes.  WRONG

I had Aubrey propped up on the toilet with the collection tub underneath her. I sat on the floor in front of her begging, then threatening, then bribing trying to get her to pee. She started out rational telling me “NO I’n not!”  Then it turned into uncontrollable sobbing and her telling me it hurt.  So while she’s bawling and yelling “my legs, my legs hurt, my legs” on repeat I keep hearing the technicians opening and closing the little door waiting for the sample. Right like there is going to be a little cup in there when on the other side they can clearly hear this child in melt down mode and her mother bartering with her. 

With every click of their little door I became closer and closer to tears. Finally I gave up I redressed Aubrey and walked out. I asked them if I could come back. They sent me out the door with the collection cup and the little tub to catch it in that makes it easier with kids. So a light bulb went off. I was gonna outsmart this kid. As soon as she was off the toilet she was happy and not crying, I'm talking literally the second her feet hit the floor. Brat, she knew she out did me.

So, it was lunchtime. I grabbed food through a drive through. that’s right I got a toy, a pink toy!  I parked the van undressed Aubrey had her sit on the van floor eating and drinking while I nursed Elise.   She quickly inhaled her food and her entire drink. I tucked Elise away and now the outsmarting was to begin

I enticingly unwrapped the toy in front of her. Exposing it and all it’s pinkness. Instantly she grabbed for it. I took it out of her reach and explained she could have it if she sat on the little potty and peed for me. OK so it’s not intended to be a child’s potty but it was the only way.  She went for it!

There I am trying to make a flimsy plastic tub into a Childs potty, while holding her up so she doesn’t fall over all in the tiny space in-between seats in the back of a van.  But I had success!! 

Two hours later I handed over a urine sample with a smile on my face. Who hands over a dang urine sample with a smile on their face? This guy does!