Big Steps

Yesterday I made a really big step forward for myself. Now to most it would seem little, maybe not even on their radar as a movement at all.  But to me, and my usual patterns in life, it was an awesome step!

See like I have mentioned in a previous post, I spent a good chunk of my years paralyzed. Paralyzed to do anything!  I would come up with ideas of jobs, vacations, items I wanted to buy and then stop. I just couldn’t commit. It depended on the circumstances each time as to what would stop me. But a lot of the time it was simply fear.

Fear is like the enemy of the world. Fear causes way more issues then it ever should be allowed. See it feeds on itself. Once it wins once, it becomes more powerful.  Fear had been feeding off me for a long time. Longer then I care to admit.

About 4 years ago shortly after Ben and I started dating we moved to Halifax. I worked from home so this was an easy move for me. But I got bored. I needed time out of the apartment. So he suggested I take his camera out for a walk. I quickly fell in love. I never thought I would like photography all that much.  Ben taught me a few basics and I worked at it for months. Then we moved home and I kind of stopped.

Insert fear. You see I had family members who were already amazing photographers we didn’t need another one in the family. Honestly I used that as an excuse! The worst part is my family is so huge that if I continued down that path I would never find something I loved that no one else was doing *insert head smash on wall.

Then Ben came to the rescue again, such a knight in shining armor he is, and bought me my own camera as a wedding present!

I took hundreds of pictures and barely ever showed anyone anything.  Then I had kids. My love of photography increased ten fold.  I took a weekend course that gave me some basics about shooting in manual and I have practiced and practiced more.

Since having Elise I really realized it was something that as the girls got older I would really love to do.  But that would mean I would have to commit. And even worse, like tell people I was doing it…

One of my favorites!

So back to the big step. I finally asked a friend of mine if she would be up for coming out with me to practice.  I came home from shooting her and was totally exhilarated. I loved every second of it. We had so much fun together. And it felt so good to do something creative.  I had not felt that good about something I had done in a long time.  Anyone else out there take a big step this week?

Oh and remember that guy Fear, he came home a little deflated and feeling sorry for himself…

Nasty Dragons or just my kids? Which would you rather have for a day?

Today I was the first day since becoming a nursing mother I have ever wished that I was a formula feeder.  Which made me a bit queasy.

Now before all you parents out there who are formula feeders get all up in my business, let it be known that I totally support formula feeders!  If it is what works best for your family then it is obviously the best choice!

Now, enough about you, let’s get back to me.

I love nursing. The bonding time with my girly truly is special. And I feel a bit smug over Ben that he doesn’t get that time.  So why did I hate it today you ask?

Well let me describe the last three days. That’s right 3 DAYS! 

Step 1: Make/eat breakfast while listening to Aubrey whine that she only wants ‘orgrits’ with the background medley sounds of Elise screeching that I stepped out of her sight.

Step 2: Get dressed. Simple enough, right? WRONG!  This is where we will insert the music of Aubrey wailing about that I did not put her in a Pink Dress. 

Step 3:  Look longingly at the wall and consider slowly banging my own head against it.

Banishing the Nasty Dragons

Step 4: Let’s try and get out of the house surely that will help.  WRONG O again!  The whining from Aubrey at least stops at this point. Instead she turns into an Academy award-winning actress. She puts on a good show for the public, spinning dance moves, singing, telling great expressive stories about towers, princesses and Nasty Dragons!  Literally, and I do not exaggerate, the second the public is out of sight the whining and crying starts again.

Step 5:  Make supper. By now Elise is in full on screech owl mode. If I step out of sight or am not touching her she screams as though she is being hurt. Great huge sobs. With giant alligator tears that would usually stop me in my tracks and initiate snuggle time.  That swiftly goes out the door the second you have two children and they are both in full on terrorize mode!

Step 6: Eat said supper.  This should be a peaceful time, one where Ben and I enjoy a glass of wine chitchat and laugh merrily throwing our heads back in joy.  So wrong, so very wrong.  This is the time Ben starts trying every bribe tactic with Aubs (who normally is a great eater) to eat anything on her plate. Usually the only thing that finally works is him motioning to take the food off her plate, which makes her grab it and he replies all affronted “Aubs that is MY food!”

Step 7: Bath time. Screeching, screaming, yelling, laughing, crying, tears, screeching, hold your breath kinda crying, bath done.

Step 8: Bedtime. This actually goes fairly easily. Likely because they are both exhausted from literally never ceasing the crying and whining all day long. I seriously mean they do it all day long!

Step 9: Midnight. This is when the bedtime thing goes terribly awry. Aubs freaks out and insists on coming to bed with me. No big deal I don’t mind snuggling her. But the last three days has been torture. She literally is whining and crying in her sleep. I mean it She has her eyes closed and heavily breathing and still whines and moans and complains, just long enough to wake Elise up.  And funny enough the minute Elise is awake Aubs is asleep. I lay Elise down and we cycle through this dreamland until we start over at Step 1!

So nursing.

Yeah today I wanted to hand over both the girls to Ben and leave for the day. Or even just the evening. But I exclusively nurse. Which means I am tied to the Screech Owl for another 5 months. I know many of you are thinking, “just give her a bottle!”  And a sane person would. But if you kindly look to your right at my bio you will see I have never claimed to be sane, not once. 

Show Time

This last week I got to watch Aubrey become a part of something that was such a large part of my life for so long.  She participated in her first ever Junior Show. She loved every second of it! She even wanted to actually show! 

I thought of many things as I watched her skip through the show (she actually literally skipped a good majority of the time). 

1) I am incredibly old. I seriously have some very vivid memories of the time when I was a PeeWee in the Junior Shows.  Now I watch my daughter begin the same programs. SO OLD!!!

2) My girls are incredibly fortunate. I watched so many people embrace both my girls and carry them along as if they were their own.  Aubrey’s cousins held her hand every step of the way and let her be a part of their show even though she is so much younger. They took her to help feed the cows, Bella let her show in showmanship with her, Jaelayne helped her feel like she was one of the big kids.  As the show went on you could see her embrace the activity around her more and more.   Elise was passed around and loved on the whole time. There were actually a couple of times where I looked at Ben and said, “Where is our baby?”  We would look around the room and spot her with someone different every time. It was so clear to see the connected community. Some of the people were ones that helped me love the community so much and grow within the junior programs.

3) Aubrey loves ‘Shoe Boots’. This is what she calls her cowboy boots. I told her once that they were her Show Boots and ever since they have become Shoe Boots.

4) My nieces and nephews are turning into pretty great kids. Not that they were terrible to begin with, but they are becoming just a bit more exceptional.  Well until they are torturing each other.  Anyways they are becoming real people. Like they do big kid things, without needing assistance from adults. I watched them all crowd around a chute fitting a heifer, seriously the cutest thing in the world.  Each of them had their turn in the ring as well; they each blew me away with how far they have come in just a year.  They all have different talents and are becoming quite the little team.

Her prizes!

5) All of these thoughts just circled me back around to being old again. Like seriously old.  Le sigh…