Growing Up

In my last post I explained a bit about where my head went after watching the amazing show Cavalia, and the fiery redhead lady ( I am sure she has a great name but I simply don't know it).  But I had one more round of thoughts that never fit into that post, so here I am again….

When we got home that night from the show I was attempting to get my girls to bed and it wasn't going as planned. Aubrey had been battling a virus and was just out of sorts while Elise simply wanted to chat.  So I sat in my rocking chair holding Elise as she chattered on one knee and cradled Aubrey in my other arm.  She was so beyond tired she quickly crashed. But I was stuck unable to move until Ben could assist me. So instead I listened to Aubrey's deep breaths mixed in with Elise's excellent story and just watched them. 

When I took that time to truly just look at Aubrey I realized she has grown up, like a lot. And I feel like I can get so busy I don't notice it in her. This made me a bit weepy. Sigh, I hate being weepy. Anyway back to my point. 

As I watched the Cavalia and this fiery red head lady I couldn't help but think of Aubs. Like I said before it was clear this woman was meant to be in front of crowds, she ate it up and loved it.  I would think most people who know my Aubs would say she is a bit of a crowd lover…just a tiny teeny bit…ok she is like her Dad and takes every chance she can get to put on a show for people.  I love watching her. 

Now I will risk sounding like one of 'those moms', you know the ones who are all convinced their child is going to be the next NHL star. But I seriously can't imagine Aubrey doing anything that is NOT big. I don't even know what 'big' means it is more a feeling. And watching this lady made me think of Aubrey. 

Then I got thinking if I will be able to support her in the ways she needs. Will I be able to encourage her to leave? To open every door possible and glide through them with her arms wide open waiting to embrace everything and anything?!….hmmm…. I would love to jump up and down saying "yep that's me. cheering my girl on" But then the part of me that is so connected to her is sitting in the corner allowing the chest wracking sobs to take her over. How could I encourage her to go be with the rest of the world? I want her to myself. I don't want her to leave our little community and family because I just love her too much and can't imagine the hole she would leave Ben and I by taking on the world. But then that other side of me is winding up to kick the other part in the shin, tell her to grow up.

I truly feel like one of the hardest things to come is going to be watching our girls go out into the world. Watching them make a life of their own, decisions of their own. I know this is obviously quite a few years away and not really something I need to worry about all that much, but how do you Moms who have done it…well…do it?

Fulfillment

This weekend Ben bought us tickets to the show Cavalia. The show was truly amazing. It was clear to see the bond between human and horse. The horses were simply stunning to watch in action. Whenever I go to things like this my mind races. I try to make it stop so I can just be in the moment, but it is a stubborn mind and doesn't always care to listen. 

There was one woman who was a part of the show that really got me thinking. She was a fiery red headed lady, and I am sure anyone reading this who also went to the show will know who I am talking about.  I loved watching her. It was clear to see that she truly loved being in front of a crowd. Everytime she went by the audience her face lit up and pulled you in.  The more I watched her I thought how fulfilling it is to love what you do that much. I mean obviously I never talked to the lady but I am willing to bet she LOVES what she does. 

Then I really started thinking about fulfillment. Does anyone ever truly feel fulfilled? Or is there always something more, or different we want before we think we will truly be fulfilled?

Let me explain. 

As I watched her and thought "this lady clearly is where she is meant to be and loves it" my next thought was "I wonder if I asked her if that is what she would truly answer?".   What I mean is I look at my life and I love it. I love that I have two beautiful girls, I love that I have the most amazing husband, I love being close to my family. I can keep going with that list but I think you get the point. SO then I wondered does that make me fulfilled? 

I say Yes and No. Why?  Well Because I am fulfilled in my family life. I wouldn't trade it with anyone, not even someone who had the exact situation but was maybe saner than me, I like the crazy(kinda). BUT….There is always a but…I have this other section of my brain that has been laying in waiting. This part of me that is kicking at the gates begging for a turn to run. 

As I was trying to explain all of this to Ben on our way home I then wondered if this meant I was a terrible person for not just feeling fulfilled with what I have now. Then I started to go a little deeper into the thought. And the realization I came to was that if I felt completely fulfilled and settled in this moment where do I have to go from here? Why would I have reason to push myself, to learn, to try, to fail, to try again, and grow. 

I swear one day I will watch a show and just sit pleasantly watching the entertainment.

To be done...or not to be done...

You know the old saying 'Time Heals Everything' do you truly believe that?  It makes me think of so many things. First it makes me think about how everyone tells you after having a baby you will forget the pain. I swore up and down I would never forget, to a certain extent I feel like I remember (from both).  But then I wonder do I actually recall the pain or just remember the emotion from the moments?

Then it also gets me thinking about a whole other bag a crazy. I actually thought to myself  "self don't write this blog, people don't want to hear your nut job crazy talk about your life" . Then I thought everyone's already seen ya at your craziest might as well continue. 

So here it goes…

When do you decide to have more babies?  I know most people say to wait and you just know. But right now I feel like the more time goes by, you know the long 5 months it's been, I get more confused.  Basically for the first 4 months of Elise's life I continued to inform Ben he best get used to life with only two children cause this was it. I ain't ever doing that again!

But then this last month my heads gone and gotten all mixed up. There is this part of me that keeps poking and prodding saying "you ain't done yet…" Which does two things to me 1) Makes me want to stick it to the man and deny the possibility even more. Then I realize in this situation I am the man so I best sort myself out. 2) Terrifies me to no end!

Why does it terrify me? 

It scares me because when I finally started to deal with PPD and PPA I swore to myself that I never ever wanted to feel like that again. And I still don't. I don't want to feel myself slip into that hole that is so dark and lonely.  But I also don't want to deny my girlies another sibling and Ben and I another beautiful baby. We love being parents. But when you are a Mom who is on call 24/7 it can be the most draining job in the entire world.  When that baby wants you and only you there are no breaks. Ben is an amazing help, but Elise no matter what will default to wanting her Momma. And part of me loves that. Then the other part is tapping her watch wondering where the hell her coffee break is??

The choice to exclusively breastfeed also brings forth challenges. I am coming into a space where I feel ready for 'me time'. But then that brings a whole new bag of guilt and anxiety. How could any good mother think she needs time away from her kids to do things for herself?  And people encourage me all the time to formula feed or pump. But I can not bring myself to do it. I am so stubborn and so strong willed that I feel like that would be me quitting on my baby girl. Especially since I nursed Aubrey for 9 months straight. I feel like the guilt would forever haunt me if I quit now especially since I have already made it through 5 months. Now don't get me wrong I don't nurse totally out of a place of guilt, i love the bonding with my sweet baby girl and knowing that it is one of the healthiest options for her.  But when you run along the edge of depression and needing more frequent breaks suddenly, well nursing every 2-3 hours can put a damper on it! 

Now I am rambling. See what babies and the ideas of more babies does to a once sane mind?! They make your crazy, can't even form proper thought patterns. Ahhh well I can be sane in a few years…maybe…hopefully...


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